lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Posted by submissive guide on Sunday Dec 21, 2014 Under Uncategorized

Hi folks,

Finally my shopping for Christmas presents is done! Are you ready for the holidays?

I’m considering ending the Weekend Reflections next year. It’s not showing up as a popular post in my statistics. What do you think? Will you miss these weekly recaps?

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!

Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the ServersI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Hi I’m kind of new to the BDSM lifestyle, I’m a submissiveand I haven’t really started this type of relationship yet. I was just wondering do dominants love their submissive partner? How can I find a dominant that is safe and caring online? I’m sorry if I sound uneducated, but please help me. Thank you for reading this. :)

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

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Date: December 23rd, 2014
Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Holiday Chat

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Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking. 

  • “Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” – Francis Chan
  • Does romance have it’s place in D/s relationships?
  • “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” – Anais Nin
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK Minicast 9 – Negotiating a Scene
17 Dec 2014, 6:00am GMT
→ The People of Kink
Whether you are new or experienced, negotiating your scenes as a Top or bottom is a very important skill that we must all learn to master.

MP3 audio (24MB, 18min) Podcast RSS iTunes subscribe

 

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Top 5 Things You Need to Know About “Dungeons”

Posted by thedailyflogger (BDSM SATIRE) on Sunday Dec 21, 2014 Under Uncategorized

1. People there are friendly.

Ha! The only friendly people are the ones that want to play or fuck or enter into a relationship with you. Let’s be honest with ourselves. If these people were in your local burger joint, you’d eat elsewhere. Never before has  venue been created to bring together so many incompatible people under one roof. It’s truly an amazing feat.

Think about that next time someone says “hi” to you.

2. It’s the cleanest place you’ve ever been.

Nope. Your mother’s womb was the cleanest place you’ve ever been.

Unless she was a crack whore, in which case, the floor at County Hospital that the drunken OB/GYN dropped you on is the cleanest place you’ve ever been.

That sticky residue on the spanking horse? That’s not a spilled soda. It’s leakage from someone’s ass, mixed with the lube they used to insert the butt plug, dried for three days, before someone else’s sweat reactivated it.

And, now you’re chowing down on the free Ding-Dongs from the catering area with the same hand that just spent 53 minutes swirling it around while you went all space-y. You’ve just had access to more alcohol than a Russian factory worker on a binge, yet it won’t help. You are operating in a sea of slime, needles, jizz, saliva, vaginal outbursts and anal explorations. Embrace it. Down and dirty beats Disney movies with the family any day.

3. I’m going to find the perfect slave/sub/Master/Mistress/top/bottom/Daddy/Mommy there.

What you’re going to find is Ted, the local butchers’ schizophrenic assistant with his toy bag full of rope and pliers, smiling at you with that missing-tooth grin, and halitosis that knocks you down from 20 feet away.

Or, “Sparkles”, the 3 days since a shower dream submissive who lives at home with her alcoholic mother and 8 cats, 2 gerbils and “Toby” the three legged miniature schnauzer. Her kink is sticking her finger up her ass and smelling it, and collecting her toenail clippings as a future gift for her yet to be found Dom.

On the other side of the room is “Savage”, the local ripped stud. Long hair, perfectly developed body, and just the right amount of facial hair and intimidating scowl have all the young girls lining up to catch herpes from him. He’s a self described “artist’ which is bdsm code for unemployed loser.

Still, once he borrows the cab fare from his parents, and unloads his three toy cases, he is truly the Master of the room for the evening.

4. Home away from home?

No, it’s not. Ever come home from work to find 37 people in your living room, and those people follow you around and watch everything you do?

I’m guessing probably not. It’s a place of business. It’s a place to get kinky-as long as you pay. Or, if you’re under 22 and hot, as long as you’re willing to play with/fuck/blow the organizer/owner/DM.

You don’t have to cover utilities, rent or other expenses. So come pay your money, get your kink on, and leave when you want. It’s why you go to a hotel to cheat on your partner. Because quite simply, some things can’t be done at home.

5. It’s NOT a dungeon.

Real dungeons are in castles. That’s right. Castles. You know, those things that no-one has built for about 800 years. This isn’t a castle you’re in, so stop calling your play space a dungeon. It’s an industrial property, possibly in a bad part of town. And there’s no moat. Look for a moat, I bet there isn’t one. Start calling it your local “club” or “space”. It’s more accurate, and people won’t laugh behind your back when you call it a “dungeon”.

Photo credit: Lust4lthr CC: SA

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U is for Unwrapping…

Posted by mollyskiss on Saturday Dec 20, 2014 Under Poetry

U is for Unwrapping…

Woman wrapped up in christmas wrapping paper

U is for Unwrapping the gifts that you got A is for Angel all pure and white B is for Bow, tied up all tight C is for Church where good Christians come D is for Decorations beautifully done E is for Eggnog all sticky and sweet F is for Fireplace glowing with heat G…

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Hide Your Eyes

Posted by TheSinDoll on Saturday Dec 20, 2014 Under Uncategorized

  Hide your eyes. If you’re caught you’ll have to run. Just like a dog headed out into the night. Make him want to stay. If he doesn’t they’ll take you away. Straight to the place where there is no light. ~TSD Klick de Kiss! There’s more sexy stuff behind it.

The post Hide Your Eyes appeared first on The Sin Doll.

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T is for Tree…

Posted by mollyskiss on Saturday Dec 20, 2014 Under Uncategorized

T is for Tree…

Christmas tree Scavanger hunt

T is for Tree a Scavenger Hunt delight which warrants more than one image… Just to make sure that there is plenty of evidence so that hopefully I can convince Curvaceous Dee to add ‘Public Christmas tree’ as a Scavenger Hunt location. Related Posts: Q is for Quiet… H is for Hat… D is for…

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Man Buys Custom Flogger to Deal with Mid-Life Crisis

Posted by thedailyflogger (BDSM SATIRE) on Saturday Dec 20, 2014 Under News

TUPALOO, NEW YORK

Fredrick Ting just celebrated his 45th birthday and found himself lost, alone, and conflicted about the direction his life had been headed in. The only thing that made him “want to get out of the bed in the morning” was his lifelong love of flogging.

“I knew just the thing,” said friend and play partner Greta Van Hoot, 48. “I hooked him up with my friend Master Zane, who has been making custom floggers since 1987. I knew it would be the perfect thing.”

Zane designed a custom flogger, based on Ting’s height, weight, and love of black leather and rhinestones.

“It wasn’t cheap, but now every day I can look at that flogger and feel better about myself,” says Ting.

Ting, who also bought a new Porsche and divorced his wife of 18 years to “hook up with an 19 year old Hooter’s waitress” says that it is a time of change for him. “There have been a lot of new developments, but it was the flogger that brought it all together. I love that thing, man.”

Photo credit: Frankie Panky CC: NC SA

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S is for Star…

Posted by mollyskiss on Friday Dec 19, 2014 Under Uncategorized

S is for Star…

Nipple reflected in Christmas decoration star

S is for Star all shiny and bright Related Posts: R is for ribbon… Q is for Quiet… P is for Poinsettia… O is for Ornaments K is for Kings…

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Study Finds 96% of People Who Use Term “Privilege” Have Own “Unexamined Privilege”

Posted by thedailyflogger (BDSM SATIRE) on Friday Dec 19, 2014 Under News, Politics

NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT

Research coming out of Yale University has found that 96% of people using the term “privilege” have learned the word from a college class, usually one focused on gender, race or class.  The majority of these students are white women, 18-22 years old, paying between $25,000 and $40,000 a year to attend college each year.

“There is no small amount of irony,” said Dr. Taylor Martin, lead researcher in the study, “the people who use this term often learned the term in places that most working class people and most of the world’s population have little or no access to.”

Melanie Cross, 18, disagrees with the study’s findings.  “It is a fight for global justice and equality.  People don’t realize how hard it is to be a woman.  Just yesterday I was having my BMW serviced and they tried to sell me a new filter or something.  They would never try that with a man.  That is privilege and misogyny.”

Photo credit: Jake NelsonFX

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So You Want to Create an Event

Posted by submissive guide on Friday Dec 19, 2014 Under Play Parties

So you want to create an event?

 

Our kink community is grassroots, which means people just like us created all of the events and groups out there. And, Fetlife is an infrastructure that gives us a great head start on event creation and promotion. By taking the initiative to build an event, create a munch or host a new party, you get to play a role in building the community you want to have around you. As you think about creating your event, here are some details you might want to consider.

What type of event do you want to create? You could start a munch, happy hour, or you could throw a sexy play party, among other things. The type of event comes down to your specific goals, and of course, you could organize all three. Munches and happy hours lend themselves to building a community of regulars and creating a no-pressure, social environment where it’s easy to meet new people. A munch tends to be a sit-down event, at a café or restaurant. You can host a munch around a particular theme (such as little-play, or D/s), and the low-key environment can be suitable for interesting group discussions.

Happy hours are generally also no-pressure, social environments, but might feel more exuberant. Happy hours make it easy to meet a lot of people but harder for the group to have just one conversation. Also, having an event at a bar could make it harder to manage the behavior of guests and could exclude some people, like folks under 21 and those who don’t want to be around alcohol.

If you’re more interested in party-throwing, think about whether you want it to be a small, intimate affair or a big hurrah? If you a want a small event, you could start by getting a few core friends on board and asking them to spread the word to their friends. You can also simply limit attendance to what feels comfortable by capping ticket sales. If you want a big event, it’s probably best to start planning early and promote far and wide. Keep in mind that you’ll have to find a suitable venue, either way.

The energy of the party is an important thing to think through. Theme parties can be a lot of fun and bring out people’s creativity. You can decorate accordingly, select some suitable music, and have guests come dressed up. Music definitely plays a role in the mood of a party, and sometimes it’s nice to have a flow, from fun and dancy to more mellow and background. Do you want lighting to be bright for socializing or dim and sexy? And remember, if it’s too cold, nobody will want to take off their clothes.

Last, let’s talk about creating a safe space. Creating a safe environment is important at any event, but particularly so within the kink community. Connecting around sexually charged and taboo topics is vulnerable and can also attract some creepy or confused behavior, so attention and intention around safety is crucial.

Consider creating a list of rules for your event. The rules will differ depending on the type of event you’re hosting, but any event could benefit from a clear list of guiding principles that will help create a safe container. As an organizer, it’s easier to manage the behavior of guests when there are clear expectations up front, as opposed to reacting to what’s happening in the moment.

Here are a few sample rules that you might find useful:

 

  • Consent must be enthusiastic, ongoing, and fully informed. To have full consent, all three elements must be in place. Consent is a core principle and is necessary for all types of interactions including conversation.
  • You are not required to say or do anything at this event/happy hour.
  • The event safe word is “____” and the proceed-with-caution word is “____.” Dungeon monitors will intervene if players in a scene do not respond appropriately when one of these words is used.
  • Do not touch anyone else’s body or equipment without permission/consent.
  • Respect anonymity: You are welcome to talk about all the sexy things you saw or heard but please do not talk about who you saw them happen with.

 

 

Once you have your list of rules, it’s also useful to plan for what happens when someone breaks them. Again, thinking ahead will make your job easier.

Once you have all the details thought through, Fetlife is a fabulous way to get your event started. Go to the Events tab and click on the “Create a New Event” link on the right-hand side. Then, fill out all the information. You can post your event link in any relevant groups, and/or you can create your own group, too.

 

We talked about munches, happy hours and parties because those are the most common events, but there’s a whole world of possibilities out there. In San Fracnisco, there’s a popular group called Kinky People Doing Vanilla Things, which brings together kinksters to participate in all sorts of activities together. The world is your oyster. It may take time to build up a new event, get supporters, and find kindred spirits, but thoughtfully taking the first steps will have you well on your way. Good luck growing your own local kink community!

little paws

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Communicating While Submissive

Posted by submissive guide on Friday Dec 19, 2014 Under Uncategorized

gagged_carsten-tokmit

This is a guest post by Xiao Yingtai.

Doms keep telling us that they’re not mind-readers, so we have to communicate. But it’s hard! Especially when it’s something they might not want to hear.

The good news is that there is always a submissive way to say it. And you never have to compromise the message. Here is what I wish I’d known ten years ago.

You Can Say It

A. You can ask for anything without breaking the dynamic. The dom has the power, right? It’s their decision whether or not to give you what you want. Recently I forced myself to say, “Sir, I was a puddle after our last scene. This is a lot to ask, but could you check on me every day until I tell you I’m okay?” I got a yes, but on his terms. Perfect!

B. You can and should make it all about yourself. Because the alternative is to tell a dom about domming – yikes! Anything problematic can always be expressed as your own inadequacies/abilities, needs/wants, feelings/reactions, or learning process. Like so: “Ma’am, it kills me that I can’t send you a video, because the idea of you watching me melt drives me crazy. Unfortunately, now I realize that online privacy is a hard limit for me. May I write you a description instead, or is there something else I can do for you?” It’s not that you won’t. You can’t. And you want.

C. The zeroth rule is honesty. No white lies. Even qualifiers like “maybe” are out if they’re insincere. Don’t make the dom work to figure out what you really mean – be explicit, be specific, be direct. Because what we do is incredibly hard, and misunderstanding becomes potentially disastrous. So bare it all: “Sir, I’m sorry I didn’t smile when I saw you today. I was petrified. I always forget the terror of coming into your presence.” Emotional nakedness is not just safer in the long run, it’s HOT. Hand over the ammunition!

Take Your Instincts to the Next Level

1. Be positive. As my first dom told me, “Your happiness is a gift to me.” But it’s not just about smiling. For me, the hardest thing about communicating positively was learning to offer solutions. It’s so tempting to feel like I’ve done my duty by spilling my poor conflicted guts: “Nudity is really hard for me, but I hate feeling like parts of me are off-limits to you.” Poor dom. Is there ANY scenario I’d be happy with? “Could we start with all my clothes on, and could you keep taking off whatever you think I’m ready to handle?” And it worked!

Constructive troubleshooting is not the only way to be positive. Gratitude, hope, a wicked sense of humor: whatever your personality, you have something to offer your dom.

2. Be attentive. Although happy problem-solving positivity is a good default, it can be jarring at the wrong time. Always, always watch for warning signs. If your dom is in pain, then jokes might hurt instead of cheering them up. Conversely, if they’re trying to be funny and you start moralizing, they will feel like they’re not being listened to. Imagine you’re dancing, and follow your partner’s lead.

All too often we do the exact opposite. It seems so natural to counter “THOSE IDIOTS!” with “I’m sure they’re trying their best, dear.” But there is no arguing with fresh emotion. So roll with it. Some doms will want active listening and similar emotional intensity: “That sounds really frustrating, ma’am!” Others might prefer respectful silence at a distance. The right answer is whatever works. If necessary, ask.

3. Be trusting. Do you believe in your dom’s good intentions? Their maturity? Do you believe they care about you? If not, get out now! But if you trust your dom, try not to hide. Come out and ask the real questions. You’ll be amazed how many of your scary assumptions are wrong. Are you angry? Did I embarrass you? What do you like about me? May I break protocol? Could you make that a rule? Should I tell you next time? Can we switchWhen in doubt, just ask. Best advice I’ve ever gotten.

Your dom needs a safe place to answer, too. A tough question doesn’t have to sound like an accusation if you make it about your needs and their feelings. Occasionally, once I’ve managed to frame the question like that, the turmoil goes away and I don’t even need to ask.

Cautionary Postscripts

PS. It is actually extremely easy to hurt a dom’s feelings. They are trusting us to act like they are in charge, doing the right thing, and utterly adored. You can shatter that trust with a word. Even indirect criticism hurts, e.g. “Sir, are you going to change implements soon?” So try not to blame your feelings on their actions. Link them to your own needs: “I’m losing the headspace. Can you help me?”

PPS. What’s right for you? I know someone whose protocol specifies a pleasing facial expression, so she hides her emotions until it’s a good time to talk. I couldn’t live like that. I want to speak up as soon as possible: “Sir, it’s been an awful day. Can we talk about something else?” And then there are other subs who are supposed to cry whenever they feel like it. The common principle is that hard truths need to be communicated or they WILL blow up – the only question is whether the talk happens now or a bit later. What do you need? What does your dom want?

Need a Cheat Sheet?

  • You can say anything if you say it right.
  • Think about what you want to achieve.
  • Speak from your vulnerability and trust.

Everything else is implementation. Which is not trivial – I struggle with every single point above. So I try, and I fail, and I learn.

Because the best conversations start with: “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. What should I do next time?”


For more advice on communication, please see my sources: Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, slave sarah’s class Charm School, and Eric Pride’s class PlaySpace.

For etiquette, please see the links in my essay on protocol or lunaKM’s Submissive Speech series. I am uncomfortable with some of their generalizations, but as practical tips they’re excellent.

Finally, many thanks to slave sarahjadeSciophilous and other friends for helpful criticism. All remaining foolishness is my own!

Xiao Yingtai is a straight female submissive who has been in and out of the scene since 1999. She blogs about BDSM, books and missing links at The University Of Abject Submission.

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Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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