Why Identifying Your Wants and Needs is So Important

Posted by submissive guide on Wednesday Apr 23, 2014 Under Submission

Wants and needs. As novice submissives we hear this phrase over and over. Make sure you know your wants and needs. Does this person or that person fulfill your wants and needs? How should we talk about our wants and needs with someone? First, let’s define them.

Need: Something that is not negotiable for a relationship to exist. Things like security, trust, honesty, monogamy (or non-monogamy) fall into a need category.

Want: Anything that would be nice to have in addition to your needs, but they aren’t all required all/most/any of the time. Things like cuddling, play time, frequent sex, date nights, the decision to have children.

(Caveat – please know that your wants and needs are personal and unique. It’s very possible that what I’ve given as examples could be in different lists for you. That’s okay!)

Let me share why needs are so important to your overall health and happiness in a relationship and why settling for less than what you need is harmful to you and the relationship.

I’m going to use the basic needs of security, comfort and love for this discussion but any needs that you have on your list will apply just as well. Feel free to make this part of your personal analysis. This is for your own development and I hope that it will help you see why needs are so important.

Security  is the first need that you should have met to live. This can be physical, emotional or financial security. Without the sense of safety and security you can not easily go about your day. Things that can threaten your security are unemployment, abuse and terrorist threats. A breakdown of security can make all other needs unimportant until this one is rebuilt. Just think about if you (Want to read more...)

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Ask Anything: Questionable Attractions?

Posted by submissive guide on Wednesday Apr 23, 2014 Under Uncategorized

A Reader Writes:

I have been with my submissive for a while now and everything has been going great, we’ve slowly learnt to progress in our D/s relationship as time as moved on but recently i have finally found myself a friend who is also a Domme. But something strange has happened, upon meeting this friend i have had a sudden change of mentality, it feels like my dominate side is perpetually on the forefront of my mind and i feel like i have a twitchy palm (like the need to dominate somebody is largely intense) i’m not sure if that’s because of my separation from my submissive due to work or because this new friend of mine is Domme/sub and wants me to guide them and im having issues with this.

Thank you in advance.”



Dear Twitchy~

Do I understand right that your new Domme friend wants you to be her mentor? If that’s what you mean when you say “guide”, then the two of you might want to have a serious talk about what that means to her. It’s possible to sort of “service Top” someone as a way to teach them some things, but usually when someone wants guidance, they just mean of the “talky” variety. Find out what kind of guidance she wants. You probably also want to talk about any attraction between you. If it’s not mutual, then you need to figure out if you can table your interest in her before you agree to a talking kind of mentoring relationship. If you agree to a mentor kind of relationship and then use it as a way to get closer to her, play with her, Top her, get in her pants, that’s an ethical violation in my opinion. Does that (Want to read more...)

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Still my favorite toys

Posted by Mystress Lady Evyl on Tuesday Apr 22, 2014 Under Mystress Lady Evyl

If you are a regular follower you know I have had the opportunity to review hundreds of toys over the years. Some make a one time appearance in the play room and get discarded. others stick around for a while then get forgotten. Then there are the little jewel that get cuddled and are adored regularly.

I though I would do a little round up of my favorite vibes, plugs and dildos I still use to this day: the tried and true I can truly vouch for. Enjoy!


Love my Insignia Alia by Lelo, it remains the top toy and the one at the top of the drawer on my bedside table.

I do not think I have ever seen such a beautiful vibrator. It sort of looks like a thick middle slice of a big egg with a sleek loop in the center, as if the egg yolks was removed. Or imagine a misshaped perfectly threadbare tire. OK 2 weird allusions but just look at the picture and you’ll get my analogies. The Alia is a versatile external vibrator which is perfect for teasing and torturing a clit but it can be used on any erotic spot like the neck, nipples, thighs, the stomach, perineum, any point that turns you on.

And I am keeping my last grip for my conclusion: I normally to not reach orgasm with a clit vibrator that does not let me really pin point a sensation. I was beyond skeptical that the Insignia Alia would be successful. Well it was! I think the ultra silky texture had a lot to do with it. A nice steady to and fro movement eventually built up a few orgasms.


The next one I often reach for is the Olga by Lelo again . For me (Want to read more...)

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Dominant Chat Night April 24th – General Chat

Posted by submissive guide on Tuesday Apr 22, 2014 Under Discussion

It’s time for another chat night here on Dominant Guide!  It’s open topic- anything and everything can be discussed. Bring your questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships. Whether you identify as Dominant, submissive, switch, unsure or are just curious, you’re welcome to join us for this informal monthly get together.


When: 4/24/14  8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat


The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It’s open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there, you’re welcome. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #dominant-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Thursday!

Other Posts that Might Interest You:

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The Importance of Keeping It All Together After Being Released

Posted by submissive guide on Tuesday Apr 22, 2014 Under Submission

In the immortal words of Whitesnake:  “And I know what it means/To walk along the lonely street of dreams/And here I go again on my own.”

I’ve been released from my Dominant.   This was my first D/s relationship, so I don’t have any experience to compare this to.  It’s not like a Vanilla break-up.  No, not at all.  It is so much more significant.  I keep hearing the words “I release you” in my head and it reminds me that I’m on my own.  I know I’m not the only one who has ever had to deal with this; I want to share my experience with other submissives in hopes of helping those who need some advice.

Now, I should explain that being released didn’t mean “goodbye.”  I am in almost daily email contact with my former Dominant.  We’re close friends.  But even though he’s still in my life, I’m still out on my own, decisions for myself without his guidance.  It’s strange, but it’s manageable.  In the days following my release, I came up with a plan to keep everything together: focus on goals, and focus on self-improvement.

The most important thing for me is to keep moving forward.  The first order of business was reviewing my old rules and goals.  Now, submissives by definition are incredibly disciplined (no pun intended) by nature.  Our Masters and Dominants help to keep us in line, but much of the responsibility rests with us.  When I looked at the goals I’d established with my Dominant, I saw that they were created with my best interests in mind.  Some of them were my idea and some were his.  In either case, these goals are still good for me, and so part of my coping mechanism has been to (Want to read more...)

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The Myth of Topping From Below

Posted by submissive guide on Tuesday Apr 22, 2014 Under BDSM, Kink

You know the drill. You meet someone at a play party. They seem cute, and interesting, and sexy…and the conversation turns to doing a scene. You’re both interested, so you start doing a little negotiation. In a lot of instances, when I ask my prospective bottom what they’re interested in doing, I hear:

“Whatever you want, Mistress.”

As a sadist, what I usually want is to make them squirm and scream. And do something that would make them quite uncomfortable. And then get a backrub. But I believe in the mutual intersection of hotness – that is, the place where both your kinks align and your collective rocks can get off. There’s nothing wrong with scenes that are focused more on one person than the other. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please your top. But I sensed there was more to their response than that. And sure enough, when I probed further, I heard:

“Well…I don’t want to top from below.”

That damn phrase. Topping from the bottom is a myth. There’s no such thing. There’s scripting, which is when either partner lays out the scene like a list: first there’s canes, then there’s flogging, then there’s nipple torture, then the forced oral, and aftercare. Scripting out your scenes takes away the mystery and spontaneity. Not only is the top is unable to be flexible to meet the needs of themselves and their bottom, but the magic and wonder that the top can create is reduced to carrying out orders. And the bottom, who knows exactly what is happening, may not be able to go into any kind of subspace because the element of control is lost.

What I hate about this phrase is that I’ve seen it used by tops to discourage their (Want to read more...)

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Being Single in a Couple’s World

Posted by submissive guide on Monday Apr 21, 2014 Under Submission

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 1/18/14

When you are a single submissive it can feel like a lonely place. Every kinky place you go it seems like everyone is already in a relationship and there is no room for you.

But that’s not true; and being a single submissive can be a special time in your exploration and development.

When you walk into a room full of kinky people as a single person it can seem so overwhelming and depressing as you realize that the multitude have partners already and you are an oddball out. That may not always be the case, but if you look around you, there should be single submissives just like you braving the community.

It is a daunting prospect to be mingle with couples who already have someone to experience all the things you are hoping to have one day but that shouldn’t exclude you from being a part of the BDSM community now. You have a lot to learn and give to a community that perhaps couples can’t do.


The discussions that go on during a munch can help your learning and understanding of your chosen role and your place in a D/s relationship. Asking questions is never a stupid thing, even if you feel silly asking. Getting your questions answered is that one step closer to feeling less uncomfortable in a couples world.

Not only avail yourself for discussion and friendship, but offer your help and services to the leaders for things they may need volunteers for. Munch groups are always looking for help to plan, set up and tear down the event site. There is so much you can do even if you are a shy or timid person behind the scenes.

Make Friends

People already in a D/s relationship where (Want to read more...)

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Book Review: The Kinky Girl’s Guide to Dating by Luna Grey

Posted by submissive guide on Monday Apr 21, 2014 Under Reviews

One of these days, I’ll end up reviewing a book or movie that I don’t like. It does happen. And I swear I’m not only selecting the books I love to review. I’ve just been lucky so far.

‘Cause I love this book. I recommend The Kinky Girl’s Guide to Dating by Luna Grey to anyone who’s kinky. Maybe even people who aren’t kinky, would like a glimpse behind the curtain.

I know, I know: the title says it’s for kinky girls, but I’m telling you, this book has good stuff in it for anyone. Read it. You’ll see. It might be review for you (most of it was for me) but it’s so entertainingly written, that alone makes it worth it. It’s fun. AND it’ll give you a good book to recommend to anyone else who has these questions AND it’ll give you a good glimpse into the mind and heart of the submissives you interact with, no matter their gender.

Of course not every submissive or bottom thinks just like author Luna Grey, but there are other view points included, including some Toppy stuff, sections on safe calls, boundaries, first times, communication, parties, community and more.

Here’s a snippet on “figuring out who you are”:

“Try to keep an open mind and be aware that things change. Just because you have answered these questions once doesn’t mean you shouldn’t revisit them occasionally and see if they still hold true. Also, remember that these questions are just a jumping-off point as you are getting started, they be no means encompass everything you will encounter about your sexuality.” pg 49

Luna is the main “voice” in the book, but she includes snippets of stories from Suki and Maddie, who experience things as bottoms, Tops, submissives and Dominant (Want to read more...)

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Heaven Scent

Posted by mollyskiss on Sunday Apr 20, 2014 Under Uncategorized

Heaven Scent

I don’t have an armpit fetish or kink. That was my initial thought when present with this week’s Kink topic but then as I thought about writing this post I realised that this statement might not be completely accurate because the thought of armpits made me smile. My armpits I love my armpits being caressed.…
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lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Posted by submissive guide on Sunday Apr 20, 2014 Under Uncategorized
Easter Eggs_praktyczny-przewodnik

Happy Easter! Whether your day is filled with the passion and resurrection of Jesus, or egg hunts and bunnies, I want to send you holiday wishes.

Master and I have very little to do with holidays most times, we are quiet people and stick to movie marathons in front of the TV, feasting on yummy foods or going to the movies.  Although, now that I think of it, Easter also has chocolate gluttony :P

How do you celebrate? Are you at big family gatherings?

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation

Date: April 29th, 2014
Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out (Want to read more...)

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