(crossposted from A Little Cinful)
Recently in the FetLife forum we were discussing the ethical issues of wearing collars in public and other such public displays of BDSM. Is such behaviour forcing our lifestyle on people non-consensually? Someone asked: Do we have the right to inflict on people things they don’t want to see?
I was at a movie just last Thursday night and right before the main movie I was bombarded by three long, loud trailers for some up and coming slasher flicks. No one asked me if I would be traumatized by all the bloody, screaming violence even though I came to see a comedy, but guess what, I hate those trailers and find all that violence obscene. I do object to those films and hate to be exposed to them, but I came out in public as an aware adult and, because I believe in freedom of expression and disagree with censorship, I guess I have no choice but to either refuse to patronize the theatre until they change their policy or to grin and bear it.
In Canada wearing a leash and collar or playfully, consensually, smacking your friend’s ass in public aren’t illegal, neither is going topless in public, or wearing rubber or latex. I have every right to do those things. Do I exercise those rights? Not really, because I’m a more private person than that. Would I go to jail for my right to do so? Yes, because I choose to live in a free country and want it to remain so.
Historically rights are gained by human beings being willing to demand those rights. Doing so can be a painful and costly process, but it’s a risk we take for freedom, and one we can’t take for granted. Sometimes it does take shock value to wake people up, sadly; look at how many gay people had to die from unwarranted brutal attacks before the police began to get more vigilant on homophobia-motivated violence.
And that battle continues!
It angers me that these civil rights have to be battled for over and over again for every new minority that comes along. Women fought for their basic rights, gays fought for equality, and now we have to stand up for ourselves too. What’s at stake? The right to be who we are within the laws of the country we live in.
If that means being stared at for wearing a collar, or kneeling in pubic, I see nothing wrong with that.
As for children being exposed to power exchange relationships…It’s up to parents to explain to their children about the real world they see in front of them and not to try to create a false sanitized reality which will fail to prepare them for adulthood. As long as people are not breaking the law – which is meant to protect all its citizens rights – there should be no traumatic to children for parents to complain about.
And yes, before anyone wonders, I DO care about protecting children, I have 30+ years experience as a childcare worker and teacher. Obviously I understand children and care about them deeply. I know that educating them about reality is the best way to help them grow into healthy productive adults.
So, are we taking the consensual-non-consensual thing a bit too far. I think we could argue that in certain situations one must step over people’s comfort zone to push them to grow. Were people uncomfortable about women wanting the vote? Absolutely. But imagine if all those women had said Let’s not rock the boat and make people uncomfortable with our desire to vote. Were some women forced to suffer some pretty harrowing consequences for pushing for their rights? Yes, and that’s the cost of change sometimes. No one said being a hero was easy.
I’m not saying that everyone in the kink community should don full latex and leather, drag out the whips, and storm the small towns of the world; I’m saying that a lot of us are in a position to begin opening the doorway to our kink closets. Small but deliberate steps, steps that keep us within our country’s laws and don’t jeopardize us unnecessarily.
I’m also saying that we have a certain responsibility to do so. However, each individual must weigh up their own personal costs and benefits, and answer to their own moral and ethical voice when deciding what actions they should take; no one else can make that decision for you.
I think I’ve ranted enough, I could write a novel because this subject is so much more complex than most people realize, but I’ve said my peace. For now.
