We all hear the constant talk about dominants and their honour. We know, without thinking much about it that a dominant needs to be honourable, and we quickly step in to denounce a dominant we feel is lacking in it.
But exactly what is honour…and is it only confined to dominants?
Do slaves, submissives, bottoms have honour? Do we need it?
Honour, for me, is all about inner accountability.
As adults we experience a certain degree of outer accountability, but for the rest, we’re on our own. It’s easy enough to get away with things; no one can watch you 100% of the time. And many things we can get away with, with no one being the wiser.
Occasionally we all play a little loose with our honour. Perhaps sneaking in a quick phone call during company time, or putting less than our best effort into something we agreed to do.
Is it wrong? Technically, yes.
Is it harmful?
Well, perhaps that’s debatable.
Will my boss suffer because I spent 5 minutes on the phone instead of working on a file that I end up handing in by deadline? Not really, and we can argue that it’s pretty much a given that employees will do these things, and as long as it doesn’t interfere with our work the employer opts to look the other way.
A trade-off.
We can always rationalize it in our heads, and most of us do, in order to allow us to step out of our sense of honour and give in to the baser impulse.
But, later, even if we don’t get caught, we can’t help but hear the nagging voice of guilt in our head. We know it was wrong, and even if it wasn’t harmful, it still feels like a bit of sand in our shoes. Our inner accountability is our voice of honour, perhaps.
How does this relate to BDSM?
As a submissive I am often in the position of making promises and following rules and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when the situation grates on me a bit, I like exercising my honour. I like knowing I have a sense of inner accountability that can rise to a challenge.
We talk about Tops and Dominants having honour all the time, but when I agree to something that my dominant can’t check up on, I’m on my honour to do the right thing.
Otherwise, I’m cheating. I’ve devalued the relationship I have, and tagged it as less important than whatever impulse I was wanting to indulge. I’ve truly cheapened what I’m supposed to cherish, when I am less than what I can be, made the relationship less that what is should and could aspire to.
In those situations, when I bend the rules, it may seem unlikely my dominant will suffer. But I will. And that’s not the kind of suffering I look forward to.
Of course, that’s just one example of where we need to show honour. It’s in our commitments to each other, and to the world around us. When we do our best, when we hold to our honour we help make the world a better place.
Personally I’ve come to expect honour from myself, and from anyone I let into my closer circle of life. I don’t care whether they capitalize their name or not, I don’t care where they think they sit on the power exchange scale, the sexual orientation scale, the gender scale, or even the weight scale for that matter.
Honour is a quality I value, in myself, and in the people I love. Bottom line (no pun intended!).
The next time honour is brought up on a fetish forum, or at a munch or kink workshop, take a moment to see if people are holding all of the fetish community up to the same standards or are they simply dragging out a double-standard and airing it as Truth.
You might be surprised.
