Kinky Sex Link

Almost without fail, when a person new to BDSM begins asking questions about how to go about things in this perverted little world of ours, one word will come up repeatedly: consent. Whether you are a proponent of SSC, RACK or just the general concept of safe play; consent is the one thing everything else is predicated upon. Even in cases of ‘rape play’, its ‘consensual nonconsent’ that is the allure. In that case the concept is so nice they named it twice. Its what protects us from allegations, keeps us safe and that from which all other things flow. Consent is a foundational, meaning everything else is built up on it.

We may bicker and argue and debate the merits of this type of play or that, the safety of an activity, the skill of a player or any of a zillion other things; but it almost always comes back to ‘well, they consented so there you go.’ It’s our stop gap, our fallback, our retreat position. Consent is supposed to be what keeps players on both sides of the whip safe from harm of both the mental and physical varieties.

It all sounds very textbook and thorough and finite. You consent to a thing, you get the thing you consented to. The implication is that so long as consent is given, no other factors should be taken into account when dealing with an event that left a person uncomfortable in some way. As in. ’so you consented to be flogged, you dont get to gripe about bruises now’.  Right about here is where speeches about personal responsibility, negotiations, being self educated, etc.. get spouted, often with great gusto and even derision.

Not that the speech givers are wrong: there absolutely should be personal responsibility, education and negotiations undertaken by all parties in a scene. But what happens if a player didnt talk it to great lengths before getting up on that cross? Well the cyclical argument now starts eating itself like the proverbial snake. ‘But still you consented so….’.

It can be very easy at this point to just say ‘be educated and be careful who you trust but when you consent, its game over so dont be crying about it after the fact when you said yes… Dozens of these arguments end right here. Very few times does anyone look deeper into the issue to see whats at the heart of the matter.

Consent isnt the be all and end all of the negotiation process. As a top or a bottom, your goal is not to just get a scene underway. Its not a competition or a race. You dont ‘win’ just because you manage to get a scene in.  Your goal is to facilitate a scene that will benefit both parties while still ensuring safety (this goes for tops and bottoms alike). Its not ‘oh hey, a post just opened up, lets get up there and get beaten’, its ‘I’d like to play tonight and here are the things I’d like to get out of it, how can I get that and also have my partner get their needs met and us both walk away with only the type of sensation/emotion we want from it’

So whats the difference? Information leading to the consent, or more succinctly worded: Informed Consent.

To consent to a thing means to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield to it. Basically it means ‘I say yes’. Informed consent means to approve or comply based upon a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action. Or ‘I understand what is going to be done, how it can possibly effect me in as many ways as possible and I say yes.’ Thats a very big difference. And one not alot of people actually take the time to actually embrace.

Informed consent can be hard to determine. Expressions of consent nor expressions of the understanding of possible implications necessarily mean that full  consent was in fact given nor that full comprehension of all relevant issues was understood.Just because someone says ‘yes! i wanna be single tailed!’ doesnt mean they are aware that they could have marks or even bleeding as a result. ‘Common sense’  may tell us that this is in fact a possibility, but common sense is never common. Never assume anyone is aware of every implication just because it seems like ’something everyone should know’. If you are the top, tell your bottom what could happen. If you are the bottom, ask your Top what might result from the scene.  Both should be proactive in obtaining and relaying any information relevant to a scene.

Many people rely on that consent may be implied within the usual subtleties of human interaction rather than being explicitly negotiated.You hear this one alot ‘well, you never said no..’. Lack of a no does not automatically mean informed consent has been given. ‘Yes’ is the only thing that means yes, and if you really wanna be one of the cool kids ‘yes, i understand that x,y or z could happen and i still say yes’ is really the only ‘yes’ you wanna move forward with.

In some cases consent cannot realistically be possible, even if the person protests he does indeed understand . This is especially true in cases where a person is not made aware of all the possible effects of an event (flogging can lead to bruising, violet wands may lead to first degree burns, etc..) or if either party is suffering from ‘diminished mental capacity’. If you aren’t aware that your top has issues with anger outbursts, memory impairment, etc.. as the result of an organic process then if a negative outcome arises from the scene it can be legitimately argued that informed consent was never given based on the lack on information relayed at the time consent was requested . Basically, be proactive. Ask the questions, give the answers. Both with as much honesty and authenticity as possible and the risk of negative outcomes decreases exponentially.

The crux of the matter when it comes to Informed Consent is : had the individual been made aware of the risk would they have proceeded with the activity?

• Do you sign up for a credit card based ONLY on the credit limit? Or do you look at the interest rate and yearly fee before signing up?
• Do you buy a house just because it has 3 bedrooms? Or do you have it inspected to make sure its up to code and you wont have to replace the roof/plumbing/electrical in the next little while?
• Do you hire a new employee just because they say they know the things required for the job? Or do you check references, inquire about education levels and assess if their personality meshes well with your existing team?

We take time and care to assess risk and reward in so many aspects of our lives, but then when we decide to place our lives in the care of someone else/ take the life of someone in our own hands (sometimes literally: breathplay, fireplay, edgeplay, etc…) we simply settle for ‘oh that looks like fun, lets do that!’  It seems ill advised at best, downright dangerous and negligent at worst to go about BDSM in such a capricious manner.

As tops we should ask about health issues, possible triggers, hard limits, soft limits, preferences, needs, desires, etc.. that could affect play and relay that same information about ourselves to our partner. As bottoms we should do exactly the same.When in doubt, more information is better. This is not a race against the clock, there is always time. If you dont get the scene in tonight there is no reason it cant happen another night. Basically any excuse for not relaying as much information as possible is just that: an excuse. Where there are excuses there are generally also other issues. Smoke and fire go together in the cliche for a reason.

BDSM is a constant learning process. Learning about skills, theory, interpersonal dynamics, philosophies, and on and on. Just because a scene ‘went bad’ does not mean that a person was/is bad. It can often be viewed as a way to assess what did and did not work well in an effort to make sure history and mistakes do not repeat themselves. Everyone involved in a scene has the responsibility to try and make it as safe and fulfilling a scene as possible and 99 times out of 100 communication will be the best way to make sure that happens.

Just because a ‘yes’ was given is not the end of the story, or even the beginning of a scene. Often times its just the starting off point for entire conversations.

~kim

Kink In Motion

Cross posted from Packing Vocals

I picked Top as a label to reflect the part of me that is kinky and into BDSM. I could of course have picked a number of other terms; Dom or Master (but not Mistress) for example but I didn’t. Why? Well because Top feels and seems to me to be the “softer and gentler” term, the one that isn’t quite as shocking or harsh. In my head it has a more playful ring to it indicating that I’m not really sadistic or cruel or mean or even really dominant. Are you getting the feeling that I’m making excuses for my sexual deviance and sadistic ways? Well in some ways I am even though I know deep down that I have a sadistic streak. I’m not quite ready to claim anything other than “Top” and that’s absolutely fine because I’m also not hiding from the possibility of changing my label.

Our expedition into BDSM as a couple coincided with a lot of other discoveries like my dormant masculinity. I think they are inextricably linked and that they have fed each other, my masculine side has developed alongside my toppy side. I think this is down to unlocking huge areas of my sub-conscious in one go so it all came flooding out. I’m not saying that to be a Top or Dom you need to have masculine qualities just that the two were linked for me. It’s to do with confidence, accepting my masculine side gave me more self confidence generally and in the bedroom specifically, enough confidence that I can take control and “top”. Taking control in the bedroom has never been my strong point* so this whole process has completely changed our sex life and how we relate to each other sexually.

(*I showed this to my wife and she quite rightly called me out on this statement. She pointed out that actually I did have control in the bedroom but it was in a passive aggressive way. For example I would not discuss sex and would “shut down” any attempts she made to discuss sex by becoming sulky or irritated. So a more accurate statement would be that I would not take responsibility for control in the bedroom. The situation now is vastly different; sex is a regular topic of conversation which is much healthier for both of us)

I have a lot to learn about BDSM and my own personal kinks, both in theory and in practice. I think BDSM has opened up our relationship as a couple physically, emotionally, and mentally but again together we still have a lot to explore and discover. I know that the journey will continue for a very long time so I’m not going to push new ideas too quickly. Sometimes it does feel as if I take one step forward and two steps back, each new discovery has to have a period of settling in before I fully accept it. If I push too hard something in me rebels and I have to take a step back. Its fear and I try hard to fight it because I know really there’s nothing to be afraid of.

And speaking of fear, Sinclair wrote a post “My Evolving Masculinity “Daddy” , which my wife has mentioned a couple of times and as often happens it flicked a switch somewhere in my head meaning it’s one to explore. But it scares me, my understanding of “Daddy” is limited so I know there will be some reading and discussing to do but my fear comes from the possibility that I might like what I find out.

So already “Top” is feeling a bit shaky as a label, I can feel other labels creeping up on it ready to pounce and take it out. When that will happen I don’t know but like everything these days it’s all part of the process of learning and defining then re-defining and growing.

My new article about why men fake orgasms is up at Alternet. Here’s the link and a blurb:

Why Men Fake Orgasms
http://www.alternet.org/sex/144729/why_men_fake_orgasms

Many women would be surprised to learn that men often fake orgasms. But why? Our limited, patriarchal view of sexuality, of course.

If you thought that only women faked orgasms, you’d be wrong. Plenty of men fake their way out of the sack. How on earth can a guy even fake an orgasm? What is he going to do, spray dish detergent and try to pass it off as semen? More importantly, why would a man want to pull off this kind of bluff?

OTHER ARTICLES AT ALTERNET

My Husband Can’t Get It Up — But We Still Have Viagra-Free Sex
(Reprint from Sexis Magazine)
http://www.alternet.org/story/142807/my_husband_can%27t_get_it_up_–_but_we_still_have_viagra-free_sex/

The internet has a zillion and four different ‘resources’ for those looking to explore BDSM. But it seems everytime I go looking for information, inspiration, or illumination I seem to run into the same conumdrum over and over:

Of those zillion and four resources, a good 90%  of those resources have to do with submission.

Bare in mind that 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Meaning that obviously this is just my subjective view. But it does seem that there are very few resources, or at least few of them that are easily accessible, that are geared toward Dominance and even fewer that are geared toward switching.

Be the change you want to see and all.

I am a self identified switch. I live 24/7 with my male Dominant partner and primary SO. I am the owner of male submissive in a power exchange relationship. We are all some variation of poly and kinky. I am also bisexual. I top any number of folks regardless of gender. I bottom to others based on interpersonal dynamics, again without gender being a factor. I give workshops and lectures on switching.. so in as much as there is such a thing as ‘qualifications’ when it comes to writing about BDSM topics, I can speak to switching pretty readily.

Below is the basic outline in Q&A style of my Switching Roundtable Workshop. It’s by no means comprehensive, but a decent jumping off point for issues some switches may encounter:

• What is a switch/ your definition of a switch? At its most basic level, a switch is simply someone who enjoys both topping and bottoming, both giving and receiving sensation and/or both weilding control or being controlled within a consentual and negotiated scene and/or power exchange. The roles may or may not be static within each partnership, scene, relationship, etc.
• Do you think you have to bottom  50% of the time and top 50% of the time to beconsidered a ‘true’ switch? Absolutely not. I know people who switch mid scene and back again, people who are Dominant 99% of the time and only bottom once in a blue moon or vice versa, and people who bottom only for certain activities and top only for others. It’s all very fluid and each one is just as much of a switch as the other. Self identifying as a switch is a personal choice and should be taken at face value when the label is applied.
  
• Is there such a thing as a ‘true’ switch? In my esitmation there is no such thing as a ‘true’ (meaning all encompassing or ‘total’ or ‘natural’ or other terms which get thrown about with irritating regularity) anything in this lifestyle. Its all fluid, organic and ever evolving on every level. If a person likes being on top sometimes and on bottom others, then the role of switch seems applicable.
• Do you feel a sense of ownership with the word ’switch’ itself (like some Masters, slaves, etc.. seem to do). This is my favorite question on this list. You see alot of arguments & debates over what constitutes a submisisive vs slave vs bottom, or a top vs a Dominant vs a Master.. but you never really see the same level of ownership or ‘fight to protect the word’ mentality over the term switch. Maybe its because as switches we engage in both of the aforementioned debates? Or because the headspace is specific to each interaction? I’m not sure. But, no.. I personally dont have a stake in the ‘ownership’ of the word switch. But then again I dont beleive in telling anyone esle how they should view anything in this lifestyle. I know what it means to me (see above definition) and I am happy to share that,but I am also happy to have that information integrated as each person sees fit as best for them. And here is where the inflammatory part comes in: I do, by and large find that alot of switches share this view and I do think its because of our switchy nature that we are sometimes more inclined towards not having hard and fast rules in alot of areas that other BDSM self identity lables have.
• What is your opinion of those who only apply the label of ’switch’ to themselves soley to ‘fit in’ with a particular group or to catch the eye of a particular partner? This was a new issue that cropped up this year. Seems there was a growing contingent of folks who would purposely call themselves switches not because of their preferred manner of play or power exchange, but rather to not limit partners. As in ‘ooh I like Bobby and he’s Dominant so I wont let him know I really like to beat up boys, so I’ll just call myself a switch and be vague about it and he’ll never know and maybe he will hook up with me’. Like I said, I dont really feel entitled to determine who can and cannot call themselves a switch, but I am never a fan of behavior that is unfair, untrue, manipulative or herd like. So if your motivation for labeling yourself as a switch is simply to ‘fit in’ with a person or person and deny your own self and desires.. well that’s never a formula for successful self exploration and it will always come back to haunt you in some way.
• Do you have different aspects of yourself manifest depending on what you are doing in a particular scene? (different names, styles of dress, mannerisms, etc…) This one is highly personal and invidual and changes from person to person. So I’ll speak for myself. I feel much more toppy in leather pants than i do in frilly skirts. I know its a product of gender roles in my upbringing, but its there. I enjoy playing with it and pushing those imprints, but they do exist for me. In scene I call my Dominant ‘Sir’, at home its ’sweetie’ or his given name. My submissive refers to me as ‘My Lady’, my Dominant calls me ‘mia’ or ‘mine’. I try to say please and thank you no matter what the occassion, but the tone is slightly more montone or matter of fact when addressing my pet. I get the door for my Dominant and expect my sub to do the same for me (which can be quite amsuing when we are all three out together). In short, yes.. different mannerisms and speech do change depending on the interaction. And this is where switches really shine: no matter what the role and how it manifests, each bit is 100% ME.
• If you have a committed partner,do you have problems watching them switch roles (if applicable)? Do they have issues seeing you in different headspaces? Why or why not? My Dominant was a switch when we got together. Since then, he now identifies solely as Dominant. I have always told him should he feel the need to bottom he certainly can do so without needed input from me (which is kinda what Dominant means!) but that I cant witness it. I am happy for him to engage in whatever he needs, but it would wreck my view of him as Dominant for me to have that visual in my head. I personally need my view of him to remain as all Dom all the time. I have no idea why that is but I know that it IS how it is for me.  Many MANY people are not like me. And this view of mine is only applicable to him. I see many folks switch all the time and never blink twice when they interact with me in either capacity. Now, my submissive is not at all like me. He has seen, sees me, bottom all the time and it in no way affects his view of me as his owner. Again, its a highly individual thing and each is as valid as the next.
• Do you find you are treated differently than others in the community who define themselves as top OR bottom? As if since you havent chosen ‘one’ you are disregarded partially or completely? If yes, whydo you think that is? I find that alot of folks in the scene just have no idea how to interact with switches. They seem to have very clearly delineated views on how to treat tops or bottoms, but they get twitchy when dealing with switches. Its easy to call Lord So and So ‘Sir’ at a munch, or to ask ’slave mary’ to get you a coffee.. but then someone like me walks up and its all fumbling over honorifics and the like. For a community that loves to cry out words like ‘etiquette’ and ‘protocol’ so many seem to forget the very basics. People are just that: people. And deserve to be treated as such. Until a negotiated power exchange is communicated in some way, just be polite and respectful. The rest flows from there. Of course there will always be those who dont believe switches ‘really exist’ and therefore generally behave less than politely as a result. But I generally have no desire to interact with someone who chooses to be so disrespectful and intolerant anyway, so its of little bother to simply ignore them.
• Do you find that the ‘community’ tends to place gender identification markers to tops & bottoms (ex:submissive = female) and how does it view those who do not fit into these models(male subs are less of a man? for example) Gender affects most every aspect of our society, BDSM is no different. I do think in some BDSM circles it is slightly more forward thinking, but not all. Its still pretty common to hear a femme top referred to as ‘butchy’ or ‘dyke-ish’ (terms I wear with all kinds of pride BTW, but this is meant to be taken in a derogatory way) or to hear a male bottom referred to as ’sissyish’ or ‘effeminate’. Any kind of ‘put down’ based on nothing more than gender is sure to irritate me. So as much as I wish our ‘community’ simply accepted people based on their non physical attributes, it isnt always that way. What can be done about it? Again, be the change you wish to see.. Start with yourself and do not attribute lables to people based on what is or isnt between their legs. I have a male Dominant AND a male submissive. Outside of those dynamics I play primarily (although not exclusively) with girls. I care about the connection between people based on personality and energy. The only time gender enters into it is when I need to know whether to break out the condoms or the dental dams.
• What is your response to the following statements:
  • There is no such thing as a switch – I stand before you, ergo, yes Virginia there is such a thing as a switch.
  • You just havent made up your mind yet – yes i have and my decision is that i have no desire to limit myself in any capacity
  • You just havent had the right Dom yet - I have and he is wonderful enough to see the benefit to us both in my exploring everything i can
• What is your favorite part about being a switch? The fact that I can be whatever I choose to be moment to moment. Some days I want to order people around, others I want to be catered to. Some days I feel like beating someone black and blue, others I need to hit subspace myself. I like that I can be fluid and open to whatever the universe sends my way.
• What is your least favorite part about being a switch? Changing up headspaces can be challenging, especially in a short timeframe. It can and is done, and often gracefully so. But as with anything of value, there are times when it is a struggle.

~kim

Kink In Motion

Whodathunkit? When Dr. Alan Hirsch, the founder and neurological director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago studied smells, he found that certain smells bring about arousal in men. One of those smells is perfect for Thanksgiving Day – pumpkin pie.

In one study of 31 men (who were, oddly enough, all recruited from a solicitation on “classic rock radio broadcasts”) the researchers found that while all scents had a positive impact on sexual arousal, certain smells impacted penile blood flow more than others. What smell got guys most hot and bothered? Pumpkin pie and lavender topped the charts, increasing penile blood flow and average of 40% compared to their base line state. Here are some of the other scents and how they measured up (taken from the Foundation website):

Lavender and pumpkin pie: 40%
Doughnut and black licorice: 31.5%
Doughnut and cola: 12.5%
Lily of the valley: 11%
Buttered popcorn: 9%
Cranberry: 2%

The good doctor also found scents that turn women on. Want to know what they are? Check my blog post on the subject to find out!

Why do women have orgasms? It’s obvious why men do – they ejaculate and that leads to pregnancy. A man’s orgasm helps to carry on the genetic line. So, why do women have orgasms? One theory to which I don’t subscribe is that women have orgasms much for the same reason that men have nipples. It’s a matter of parity. If men didn’t have nipples, women might evolve to lack nipples, and that would prevent them from nursing their young. Therefore, women’s orgasms are a benefit given to them to show parity in men having orgasms in order to ejaculate.

I don’t buy it for a second. This view reduces women’s sexuality to being “all about the men”, and that narrow view is a slap in the face to women. While I’ve had some difficulty coming lately, I do have orgasms quite regularly, and I can count the benefits without any problem whatsoever. Here are a few:

Want to know more? Read the rest at my blog.

From PamperedPenny.com.

Like most sex workers, I have an obsession with any depiction of sex workers in the mass media. I’ve been watching “Satisfaction,” an Australian show that started in 2007. I’m only on the first season, but there’s a character who is a male adult baby.While the depiction isn’t entirely accurate (I’ve never met an AB who is so completely asexual) it is very pro-AB. The escort he hires as his Mummy is a lesbian and they use that as a way to draw parallels between homosexual rights and his desire for “a clean nappy and the right to suck my thumb.” He lost his job as a school principal upon being discovered, which I can sort of see the logic behind. My problem isn’t that he’s an AB, but that he can’t keep his private life separate from his work. If I knew ANYTHING about my kid’s principal’s sexlife, I’d think it was really inappropriate. What the heck was the character doing that people found out that he likes to wear diapers and hire a woman to pretend to be his Mummy and take care of him? At the very least, he needed a lesson in discretion.

They also circumvented some issues. The sex thing for one. Although a lot of ABs claim it’s not sexual, I’ve never met one who turned down sex in nappies when it was offered. Never. Then again, my site is 100% porn, so maybe they just don’t come here. They also didn’t deal with the wetting and messing issue. When he insisted on a diaper change, the Mummy was reluctant only to discover that he was only faking. Relieved, she went along with it.

There was another issue that came up in a later episode that wasn’t really delt with realistically, but I certainly wish it had been. The AB was throwing a tantrum and kicked the Mummy so hard that she fell over. Snapping out of AB mode he came around and apologised extensively, explaining that he had gotten carried away, then leaving promptly. I had a client who puked in session once and then expected me to clean him up. He was, of course, disappointed when I reminded him that I was a professional Mommy, not his mother, and that I have limits that need to be respected, one of them being vomit.

It was really cute seeing the Mummy ask some of the questions that most people do when they first encounted infantilism. One of the things she calls him on is that he can walk, to which he hautilly responds, “I’m a toddler, then!” When she asks him why he doensn’t even want to get help he asks, “Am I hurting somebody? Am I a threat?” In other words, why fix it if it ain’t broken?

One tough issue they don’t skirt is the difference between real maternal love and the special intimacy between a Mummy and an AB. The Mummy is actually trying to start a family with her partner and they’re able to compare her desire to be a mother with her in-scene reactions.

Overall I think that they did a really good job representing an adult baby on the show, his weaknesses, his strengths, his innocence. It’s just too bad that they didn’t spend more time on it.

I think most of us consistently and pragmatically underestimate the power of smell.  

As I walked the dogs this morning I breathed deep the crisp air and pulled it deep within my lungs, breathing coolness into the warmth of lung and blood coursing through cool skin, then breathing need into the Halloween air in a sigh of vapour and feeling the whisper of snow rustle along my skin, tickling my nostrils with the promise of the coming winter.

I smell earth, rich, loamy, dampness underneath the crackle of leaves beneath my boot, with the hint of frost clinging to the leather sole and crackling in the morning dark.  Earth smells dark and rich and fecund, for the dying leaves nestle into the embrace of soil and sigh their goodness into its deep environs.  The cool air tastes of mint and frost upon my tongue and coats my throat with a whisper of tomorrow’s inevitability and smells like peppermint in the early gloam of morning.

The warm, living reality of dog drifts on the crispness of autumn want and envelops me in its sweet furred simplicity.  Dogs smell of warmth and need and smooth muscle and coarse fur which coats the back of your nose and slides along your skin like home.

The moon hangs low in the sky, a pulsing silver orb spilling silver light through the drifting dream of trees shedding their summer mantles, trunks crisping grey in the dark of the early morning, breathing cold into the gloaming darkness. 

I gaze up into the clarity of sky and night and watch the stars twinkle distantly in frosty grandeur, so removed from the summer nights which envelope and cocoon in heat the damp, salt of our bodies.  Summer holds us close; the earth and sky surround and enfold and smells dance on breezes in a kaleidoscope of colour and song.  Autumn is more subtle; to my mind, more enticing in its cool richness and aroma of dreaming sleep to come. 

My mind flickers and dances over the reality of smells which engender thought and emotion and remembrances with a clarity which seems to fold time in on itself and bring you into the moment. 

I walk into the house and the smell of crisp recoils from the warmth of wall and floor and the whispering, conjoined realities of home.  Lavender and vanilla swirl and breathe welcome while the dogs’ fur breathes cool still and underneath, the canine reality of bone and sinew barks for precedence over the twitching whispering chuckles of the radiators. 

The scent of him in the closeness of our room when I pull back the quilt and as if blind, run my fingers along his sleep damp body. The warmth of his skin breathes rich into my nose as my fingers read skin and soft waking muscle.  

I nuzzle my mouth between his thighs into the warmth of his groin and close my eyes (although in the darkness of the room, dark whispers smell to me) and breathe deep the aroma of his sleeping body.  A sheen of clean, astringent sweat, and the earthy, moistness of the pale tender skin and then I run my lips along the stirring length, sipping want into its burgeoning need. 

My nostrils flare and I smell the swelling taste of him, the sharper, mouth puckering deliciousness and his odour slides down my throat and permeates the close air of the closed chamber and I want to roll and coat myself in the familiar yet ever new pheromones and feel my breasts tighten and an ache between my thighs. 

In the darkness my eyes are blind and the febrile touch of finger and the smell of our realities mesh and meld and paint the room rich and scarlet.

What smells bring memories alive to you?

 The critical, pragmatic selkie however, DOES find it difficult – almost impossible – to suspend belief in certain instances or with respect to certain claims I just cannot find credible or actions for which I simply don’t see a point … other than to say “I made her do it”.

 One of the sticking points for me centers on the many discussion I see (usually in a D/s or M/s context) about ‘coming on command’.

 Bottom line, I CANNOT, no matter how open-minded I try to be, no matter how credulous I try to pretend to believe that ‘coming on command’ is possible.

 There, I’m not going to wrap it up in placatory language or obfuscate it with adjectives.

 I do NOT believe that ‘coming on command’ is possible – I just don’t.

  This seems such a popular subject out here on the net. I think it gives the illusion of such total control and dominance that the concept is in itself deliciously irresistible to both dominants and submissives alike. I believe implicitly that many feel it provides the ultimate proof of dominance and even for the submissive, inexorably underlines the extent of her submissiveness (i.e. her mind is so much HIS – because I’ve YET to hear about a female dominant MAKING a male submissive “come on command” – without any kind of physical stimulation!).

 Bottom line? I think its bullshit. I do NOT believe it can be done.

 I’m a bit of a reader and have read voraciously on many subjects, human sexuality included. The science of sexuality is a multi-billion dollar business – sex sells. Science continues to search (so far with only limited success) for answers to the capriciousness of female sexuality. I do NOT think for one second that IF ‘coming on command’ could be empirically proven that the scientific community would not have JUMPED on this and done copious studies and have streams of evidence proving the veracity of this ability.

 Further, I would conjecture that a form of psychological manipulation is implicit in the practice; and as very few dominants out there have pursued degrees in psychiatry or psychology, I hardly believe that most have the necessary tools to create what is in essence, an incredibly difficult manipulation of the human mind.

 Reconditioning is an incredibly difficult thing to accomplish. The human psyche is complicated and tenacious and if it were simplistic to change bodily and mental functions then none of us would have any bad habits – which simply is not true.

 D. engaged in an interesting discussion on Fet (if anyone wants the link, let me know)- where basically he made what I consider some extremely salient points. At one point, he addresses one dominant’s assertion that it can be done through behavioural conditioning:

 I understand your pavlovian argument, of behavioral shaping for the desired response, but i see it as infinitely difficult, because of all of the variables,( social, emotional and physical,) to achieve, it may be possible. if it was simple and easy i would think that the information would be made readily available for a price. someone would have written a book and made an instructional video.

 it is difficult enough to train and help someone to alter their cognitive behaviours, ie. treating those who smoke, over eat, suffer from anxiety, fears, compulsions, phobias, and anger management problems etc.. it takes hours and hour of therapy, years of work and in a lot of cases, medication, before the desire behavior is firmly imprinted, and a lot of times the therapy is never completely successful.

  Further on, he brings out one of my most compelling points, which is:

 In the light of absolutely no empirical evidence. with the fact that there is not one of the foremost institutes that study human sexuality, that has done, or even given the topic of orgasm on command without any prior physical stimulation, any credence, let alone seriously looked at the phenomenon, that a search for any article in the scientific community has come up short. i have been unable to find even any reputable BDSM authors that have dealt with the subject. (my emphasis)

I’ve had this argument before, of course. On my very brief sojourn on Fetlife I remember getting into an argument there and still giggle at the dominant who claims to make his submissive orgasm by pulling her finger LOL… because the IMMATURE selkie can only laugh and think of what “pulling the finger” meant when I was a kid – and it wasn’t an orgasm!

 Again, almost exclusively, the whole subject of “coming on command’ seems to me to be one of those internet myths, which is remarkably handy in view of the fact that empirical evidence is never actually provided.

 I even concede that certain individuals may have convinced themselves either that they can order and make their submissive or slave come or conversely, that a submissive or slave is so eager to please that she thinks or gives the impression that she can accede. I think it naive if one thinks that not a possibility! It is the nature of submissives and slaves to please, to want to make their dominant proud.

 The bottom line is that ancedotal exmaples simply don’t and won’t convince me.  I hold firm to my belief that until emperical evidence is proferred, it is a fun fantasy and nothing more.

Further, the BAD selkie can’t help thinking that it sure lets the dominant out of ensuring sexual pleasure is experienced by the submissive … no work involved in saying a few words. In that sense, this touches on another belief of mine – which is people generally tend to exaggerate the amount –and quality –of sexual interplay in which they indulge. But that is a rant for another blog…

Lately I’ve been wondering what’s up with some suggesting to everyone how they should use language. I’m not saying that we should use language in a hurtful way, although that is open to interpretation. But if it is true I am my brother’s keeper, then too are they not my keeper as well? When I read something say on a message board I take it at face value. I’m not talking about things that are written like:

“Master and I were walking down the street and as we approached the corner I reached out to stop him from steeping off the curb because a car was coming.”

But if someone writes:

“Do masters have the right to expect total submission from their slaves?”

Really does it have to be spelled out to folks that by master the person may be talking about something from their perspective? Or it may just mean the person who is standing and not kneeling.  

I’m working with some people to start a group based on the leather part of the life. There’s a lot written about leather on the web as well as on some data bases that can be accessed for free through some libraries. Not to mention a plethora of books on leather, this would be a benefit to anyone’s personal library. That being said starting a group on the principals of leather and its history would mean that we would follow a code of brotherhood. Anyone can pledge for the group who has an interest in leather, learning about it and living by the code of brotherhood. I made the last suggestion, but was met with opposition about the word brotherhood. Because it doesn’t sound inclusive, I thought using the word anyone didn’t imply but said what I though included everyone.

So here’s my problem. If a homo sapien (which is to say people) can accept being a part of mankind later referred to as human kind, how could they not know that being apart of a brotherhood would also includes all people? Especially when in the same sentence the word “Anyone” appears? (This also begs the question should we petition the world to refer to everyone on the planet as person kind since both mankind and humankind have the word man in it? But we all know it means the homosapien kind) I understand that there are still some places and organizations that carter just to men hence brotherhood, but if we are going to follow in the steps of leather which was started by men sexual orientation aside. Also were some women were accepted and considered brothers, how could we not use that word? Any one who has done some research can understand wanting to use the term/phrase brotherhood. And if this is the case that I or anyone else should suggested that people use language that has to include everyyyyyyyyyyone means that as a woman when someone is trying to get me to join their organization they should make me feel welcome by including the fact that I’m not only a woman but an African American woman, who has Irish blood flowing in her veins, who’s great-great grand parents where a few who and I can trace this has ties to the indigenous people of this place called American, who also has ties to the freed slaves in the Carolinians and people who are referred to as Geechi, and over 40 years of age. That way I would feel like I’m getting a big hug! Can you hear the sarcasm? But those out there can rest assure that if I do decide to join something  that I’ll know what it’s about before I out right make a judgment about a word that was used in the title.

To that end, the leather man handbook by Larry Townsend is a great read. It’s written by a gay man for gay men. I learned a lot of things I didn’t know and some things I did.

If you don’t have a problem with learning something new from the pages of a book give it a read. If you think it’s going to make you gay?

Well..