When you start talking poly and kink, often the realization is: ‘umm hey, this particular issue is applicable to all dynamics and relationships, not just poly or kink ones’. Things like transparency, communication, self identified needs, etc.. Lots of things that we have actually been dealing with for years and years start to take on names and shapes and forms once the self exploration that often accompanies a kinky or poly journey begins.
One of the main ones that has become a recurrent theme in my life over the past few years is what I have not so cleverly titled ‘The Special Thing.’ It’s one I have really struggled with. At first I refused to acknowledge it existed, I fought that it could be a component that would be in the makeup of the person I want to be. After a while I gave it a name and admitted that yes indeed, this was ‘a deal’ for me. Next I processed (and am still prcessing) through it: what is it? why is it there? why does it feel so icky? why does it bother me? should I do something about it? What can I do about it?
And that’s about where I am now. I have sat on this post for well over a year trying to make some sense of it for myself. Of course, like so much else once I started talking about it to a few trusted friends I quickly realized that yet again I am not a unique snowflake and many people wrestle with this. I am nowhere near conquering this one, but I think I have gained a few insights into it and maybe those will ring the ‘aha!’ bell for someone else as well.
So, the basics (from my own experiences as well as examples from others I have talked with, your experience may look very similar or all together different):
What is it? I call it ‘The Special Thing’, as in ‘I need to feel special’. As in ‘I am very cool with you having other loves, partners, friends, pets, etc.., just please before we start with the rundown on why everyone else in your life is uber amazing so I can share that with you and be happy for you, please take a second to let me know you think I am pretty snazzy too.’ It took me well over 18 months just to be able to define it as I just did.
Some context may help (not all of these examples are mine, but I aint naming names either)
Ex A: After talking with a play partner for a few weeks I asked a simple question. I knew they were poly, living in a triad and had other partners as well. I actually found that to be a part of the attraction. But, trying to get into the proper headspace (for sceneing and general chat type purposes) I asked ‘So.. how many people do you actually play with in a year?’ The reply was ‘oh, 2 or 3? Not many…’ Then I found out through our oh so small community that the numbers were actually in the dozens and bordering on triple digits. Being one of three has a different feel that being one of dozens. Both are totally legit and neither is better or worse, but it does throw you into a totally different perspective when examining the dynamic. I just wanted the info so I could plug it into my CPU. The data either way would have fit, just in different ways. So I wasnt special enough to even be told the truth.The lying along with the actual difference in the truth in advertising effectively kiboshed the whole thing for me.
Ex B: After setting up a potential play date for an event, the very next message was ‘oh, and hey, could you get lilmisssexy to play with the the next night?’ Kay.. So one of three things are happening here: 1) I am good enough to have one scene with, but not 2? or 2) You are placating me with a scene to butter me up so I will get you a date? or 3) You want me to play pimp for you? Now the reasonable part of me says ‘its none of those, this person simply wanted a variety of play and hoped you would help them out’. Which sounds innocent enough? But the truth is, it hurt. It felt like I was good enough to be a notch on a bedpost and nothing more. There was nothing ‘special enough’ about me to hold any interest beyond a 45 minute scene. And all it would have taken is a simple ‘I do want to play with you because (fill in the blank)’ and then I would have had no problem talking to my friend sexysub so they both could have had a good scene. But it didnt go down that way and neither scene ever happened. Call me selfish or unenlightened if you will, but my feelings were hurt and I had not yet figured out why.
Ex C: ‘Ahh yeah sorry I forgot about our scene we had planned for months, but see I had this thing going with this other girl for a while and I just lost track’. If that aint an ego crusher I dont know what is.
Ex D: Out of town on business and texting with a potential new person. First text when I wake up in the morning is ‘oh wish I was there with you, we could have had alot of fun with this hot little number I know in that city’. Ok yes, it does sound like it could be a fun time.. but with no ‘hello, how are you, I dig you because X, nada… ‘ it felt like I was once again the instrument of facilitation of someone else’s good time and not good enough to deserve one of my own.
Why is it there? Well here is where it becomes very personalized. For me, after lo these many many MANY hours of soul searching I have found that for me it comes from years of being second best in some respects. I was always pretty, but not THE pretty one. I was always well liked, but not THE one. I was always on the cusp of being something special in someone else’s eyes, but only until they saw that glint of shiny coming from the corner. My sister was the pretty one, a few of my friends in high school got the guys I wanted after I spent months flirting with them and establishing a connection but they would just fuck them. That kind of thing. I was never the one actively chosen over anyone else. My dad was always very quick to point out why I would never be what I wanted to be. So in a word: external validation is my problem.
Why does it feel so icky? Again, this is just MY history. It feels icky because it feels like I am never good enough, pretty enough, enough enough. And it feels like no amount of effort or time can make it be any other way. So it feels like I suck and there is nothing I can do about it.
(the emo stuff ends soon, i promise, bear with me here!)
Why does it bother me? Clearly because I have had no real working system of validating my own self worth. Who cares what they think? Do I measure up to what I want myself to be? Then THAT should be where I get my sense of self from. But that system by which I value myself is in its infancy and very fragile, so the external stuff is what hits me fastest and hardest. Like a sucker punch to my ego’s solar plexus. Its getting stronger day by day, but until the internal is stronger and faster than the external, these examples I gave will continue to knock the wind out of me. Its getting there, but it takes a looong time to deprogram three and half decades of a way of seeing yourself.
Should I do something about it? only if I want to stop feeling punched in the gut. Which I do.. so there is definite work to be done to ‘be that change I want to see’
What can I do about it? Now here comes the good part. I can do alot. Take the above examples. NOW, I could say the following (obviously I couldnt then because I couldnt even define it much less forge the tool I’d need to address it properly.’ Here is what I would say now:
Ex A: I have heard a few things that contradict your answers to me, I’d appreciate you giving me some more information on this issue and then I can better decide if I fit into your life right now in a way that’s mutually beneficial.
Ex B: I felt a bit inferior when you asked me to find you another date. I realize I am by far not your only play partner and I have no issues with that, but I dont enjoy feeling like something you may be settling for. I think we should talk some more about what was said and what was actually meant by those words and then see if the warm fuzzies are still there that would allow for a good scene. I want to feel special in a scene and if that isnt something thats going to happen then I’d prefer to just be friends for the night and not complicate things with a scene that may leave me feeling lacking.
Ex C: I understand you had some NRE going on and thats always a good feeling. But thats no excuse for simply blowing somone off. That was hurtful and insensitive and I’ll not be playing with anyone who values my time and feelings so little.
Ex D: You know, that DOES sound hot, but I prefer to not facilitate anyone getting the scene I want until I do get my scene. I have needs and desires and once those are met I would really enjoy exploring more things with more people with you, but I need to know I am special enough to you for you to want to play with me on or own before I can add another person.
In NONE of these scenarios was the issue that I would not be the only person in another’s life. I have lots of partners and they all do as well. I identify as poly so this is the realm I choose and prefer to move in. The NUMBERS are not the issue, the people the numbers represent are not the problem. The problem lies in presenting the information in such a way as to value one almost to the exclusion of the other.
And really, the heart of it lies in how I value myself. How do I see myself as special? In what ways do I value me? Well, I want to have things said to me that leave me feeling attractive and wanted. I deserve to have the dates I set up seen through or cancelled in a way that does not feel like a brush off. I want to be flirted with and complimented in a genuine way and not only to gain favor of some kind. that type of thing.
And the real trick: how can I get across that I want to be with people who share those values and self images and can express them back to me in a way that now ‘REINFORCES’ my value rather than defining it for me? I now know my value (or at least an eensy part of it), I have defined it for myself in a way I am pleased with and prefer to have that reinforced rather than glossed over or ignored entirely. How to do that without sounding like an arrogant, demanding bitch can be tricky.
Here are a few tricks I have learned, some work better than others and some may be taken out of the toolbox soon (and it should be said not all of these work for every situation):
- Dont answer right away. Take your time. You dont owe anyone a rapidfire response.
- Be gracious first. Try and get clarification on what was said and what was meant.
- Be gentle but firm in letting others know that they way they have spoken to you is perhaps less than flattering to you.
- If they apologize sincerely, accept it on face value and be hopeful that particular scenario will most likely never occur again.
- Breezy jokes that address the issue but without saying ‘we must sit and process this out immediately’ are often effective
- Stand your ground and dont forget that you are special in your own eyes. Bring the conversation around to your own strengths without belittling anyone else or sounding arrogant.
- Know when to cut your losses. If a person persists in conversational or behavioral style that you have communicated that you find unpleasing, dont be afraid to say ‘yanno, this isnt working for me’ and move on to the folks who do talk and behave more in the style that adds to your life in a positive fashion.
- Try and step back and take yourself out of it all. Perhaps events in that person’s life are making them more apt to say and do things they wouldnt normally do under less stressful circumstances.
- Dont make a decision about a person based on one interaction. Once could be a fluke for any number of reasons. A pattern of unpleasantness is where you need to make some choices.
- MOST IMPORTANT – be ok by yourself. find and do things that you do for the joy of it alone. be ok staying in with a good book. take long walks to places YOU want to be. do things that make you happy whether others join you or not in equal fashion.
So in reality ‘The Special Thing’ isnt as easily fixed as it may seem. For months I wanted to scream ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? CANT THEY JUST SAY NICE THINGS? IS IT SO DIFFICULT OR AM I SO LACKING IN SOME WAY AS TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD AN IMPOSSIBILITY?’ In some cases yes.. some people are just asshats. But for the majority of the situations the answer lies in some good ole fashioned self exploration, perspective shifting and boundary setting.
Afterall, if I dont think I am special, why should anyone else? Now to be able to say that without sounding like a Hollywood starlet with a reality show cramming how awesome she is down the collective throat of the viewing audience. Thats my next challenge. But. its a process, rife with lots of journeys and very few destinations. I’ll get to where the universe thinks I need to be eventually. In the meantime, I’m learning. And its helping me deal with lots of things in life, not just play dates and multiple partners.
~kim
Kink In Motion
