Sometimes there are benefits to being bored and randomly searching Fetlife. Lately I’ve been doing much pondering on what my role/label/status/what have you in relation to BDSM is. So whilst waiting for some post production work on some photos to render, I began browsing the Switches group on FL. I snickered from the irony as I scrolled down to this post by lil ole me exactly one year ago:
i’ve always been dominant in my day to day life, mainly out of necessity because if i wouldnt do things they just didnt get done.
so when i found kink, being submissive truly spoke to me. when i first got into it, i wanted NOTHING to do with being on top. i wanted to be used, owned, made to do things.. and i still do 
but as time went on, it became more and more apparent i had switch leanings. i refused to even SAY the word switch for about 6 months. but friends kept asking me to top them and sometimes the thought appealed to me. then there are the toys and the skill. i wanted to learn something new, how to wield a flogger or a whip, how to construct a scene. A BDSM scene is equal parts artistry, skill and energy/connection for me.. and it is a constant challenge to just get better and better. i do love a good challenge 
these days, its becoming increasingly apparent that i am really a submissive who enjoys being a service top, which looked at from the right angle is just one more extension of being submissive really.
so no big light switch for me, it was a gradual process and its still evolving. ask me in a year and who knows what i’ll identify as
I really should stop being so damn self prophetic.
So what DO I identify as? Hoo boy.. here we go..ready for the big year long build up?
No clue.
Depends on how you gauge it I guess. If you go by how I generally play in public I’m a top. Kind of a service top but not as much these days. These days its ‘I really wanna do this kinda scene.. you in?’ rather than a year ago when it was ‘oh you want xyz? i can do that!’ So if we are speaking of playing publicly I’d say top.
Then it gets fuzzy. I WANT to interact more in a submissive headspace but am finding that the pool of prospective partners narrows by the month for varying reasons. (sometimes it really is a shame BDSM is not more of a solitary activity). I could compromise a bit which would certainly ensure more frequent play but would feel much less authentic. And thats really where I crave it, in the realms of intensity, authenticity, power games and mind fucks. You dont let just anyone play there. So I hold out for quality over quantity. My own requirements limit the field quite a bit and in the most frustrating turn of events ever, it seems my standards are also intimidating to many which all but obliterates the field entire. This has been extremely disheartening.
Private play has been not near as frequent as I’d prefer. At home I am always submissive/bottom. Always. Could not and would not ever switch on my primary. (That’s just for me/us, not necessarily applicable to anyone else). But life gets in the way as it is often want to do. External and internal relationship stressors have simply put play very low on the priority list. We can dream of Roissy all we like but as anyone whose been in this for a while can atest, sometimes reality and practicality intervene on our fantasy life.
So if you balance my actual play time vs my desire for headspaces I’d prefer to play in you get: switch. I am oddly quite back to where I started. It certainly took a heck of a lot of stuff to get right back where I began. Alot of growth, agonizing, processing, playing, talking, reading, nothing, and lots of stuff in between. I dare not ask where I will a year from now.. I fear it may just kill me yet! But at the very least it wont be boring.
May you live in interesting times.. and hopefully live to tell the tale.
