Kinky Sex Link

My new article about why men fake orgasms is up at Alternet. Here’s the link and a blurb:

Why Men Fake Orgasms
http://www.alternet.org/sex/144729/why_men_fake_orgasms

Many women would be surprised to learn that men often fake orgasms. But why? Our limited, patriarchal view of sexuality, of course.

If you thought that only women faked orgasms, you’d be wrong. Plenty of men fake their way out of the sack. How on earth can a guy even fake an orgasm? What is he going to do, spray dish detergent and try to pass it off as semen? More importantly, why would a man want to pull off this kind of bluff?

OTHER ARTICLES AT ALTERNET

My Husband Can’t Get It Up — But We Still Have Viagra-Free Sex
(Reprint from Sexis Magazine)
http://www.alternet.org/story/142807/my_husband_can%27t_get_it_up_–_but_we_still_have_viagra-free_sex/

I have heard lots and lots of debates on the merits and drawbacks of safewords. Are they necessary, are they effective, is someone who yellows a wuss or are they a person in control of their own safety, etc, etc, etc. There are lots of good, intelligent, well articulated arguments for and against the use of safewords out there… this aint one of them.

Yellow is for people who don’t really want to let go of control, while pretending that they do.

First off, this is BDSM. We engage in varying degrees of role play frequently. Ever hear of consensual nonconsent? Rape fantasies? (emphasis on the fantasy part, please and thank you). So why the inherent sarcasm which seems to imply that anyone ‘pretending’ to relinquish control is somehow inferior to someone who ‘actually’ does?

(the ‘pretend’ and  ‘actual’ are in quotations since the debate on what  types of play and players are real and what aren’t is a chicken and egg deabte of the worst type and would need an entire website full of hundreds of entries to even begin to cover it. So we’ll just leave that for another blogger to cover and assume a level playing field here)

Why is one type of role play considered hot & another considered less than in some way? Whatever the reason, it’s silly. If we were in the business of doing things the way the majority rules there would most likely not be any BDSM in the first place. Let’s show some solidarity? Why the phrase ‘your kink isnt my kink but your kink is ok’ isnt just spouted but embraced  remains beyond me. Long story short: your way works for you, their way works for them. What they do in no way directly affects you in any negative way so stop with the false superiority.

But more than that, calling yellow or at least knowing that you can and it will have the desired effect is not a placebo. Its a lubricant.It does not inhibit a scene, it allows it to happen in the first place.

In three years of being with my primary partner we scened countless times and I have called yellow once. In that same time I have bottomed to a dozen or more people at varying levels of intensity and have never called yellow. Yet every single time I’ve scened I know without hesitation that if i feel i NEED to call yellow, i can and it will be respected. Knowing you can press pause for half a second builds trust. Trust facilitates scenes.

If I call yellow it doesnt mean I end a scene. It means I am being an active, engaged, educated, empowered and respectful partner. It means I am making an attempt to give my top the valuable information they need as to how to proceed based on current conditions. Once they have that information THEY can decide whether to stop completely, change intensity or change the direction of the scene entirely. I am providing, THEY are deciding. At that point I neither want to be nor am in control over anything other than the dissemination of information.

An argument can be made much more effectively that when I call RED I have some control over the scene. Red ENDS a scene. We arent talking about red, thats a whole other show.

The calling of yellow is the equivalent of being a meteorologist. You want to go on a picnic, so you check the weather. The weather dude says there is a 75% chance of rain so you decide to stay indoors. So did the channel 4 weather guy make you stay home? Did he have some power over you, did he control your actions? Of course not. YOU made the decision based on the information available. The meteorologist was a conduit at best.

If you go round blaming the weather man everytime you dont get to enjoy outdoor recreation based on a weather prediction, you may well be just a generally unhappy person all round due to near constant feelings of victimizatrion and powerlessness.

That certainly would explain the derision in the original statement.

Use safewords, dont use safewords. personally i think they are useful and often necessary. But I am not in your scene so my views are of little import in that regard other than to educate those who wish to hear my opinion so that they might integrate that information into their own decision. But looking down on those who play differently than you do is not only comically arrogant, it often exposes the espouser as the threatened individual he or she really is.

Pot, meet kettle……

x-posted from Mystress Lady Evyl

I am a huge fan of the movie Capote. It is a superb film. It shows us the time Truman Capote, a journalist, spent in Kansas learning about the mass murder of a family back in 1959. From it he wrote the book In Cold Blood. This book is considered the originator of the non-fiction novel. So after seeing this movie again recently I decided to get the book. I am presently reading it (read it, its fabulous).

Now why am I writing about it here? Well a part I read today really struck a cord in reference to my previous blog about disappointing sub applicants. This part of the book is a letter Perry’s (one of the murderers) sister wrote to him while he was in jail for other charges a year prior to the slaying of the Clutter family. Here are the exerts that hit me:

“What you have done, whether right or wrong, is your own doing. From what I personally know, you have lived your life exactly as you pleased without regard to circumstances or persons who loved you—who might be hurt.

…you don’t show me any signs of SINCERE regret and seem to show no respect for any laws, people or anything. Your letter implies that the blame of all your problems is that of someone else, but never you.
You are a human being with a free will. Which puts you above the animal level. But if you live your life without feeling and compassion for your fellow-man—you are as an animal—….”

Wow, I LOVE that last part. I can imagine what is going through your head, you the reader. What is she talking about? What kind of a Domme is she? Don’t judge, you don’t know the whole situation. And it is something I am working on nipping it in the bub.

I am however willing to bet 90% of the Dom/mes that read this can think of at least one sub that fits that bill, or it resonates a familiar feeling. Bare with me, I am ending my mental-work-through of this part of my life. I am always depressing in November lol.

Mystress Lady Evyl

P.S. Let me note here in no way am I saying bad subs have any murdering tendencies.

We all hear the constant talk about dominants and their honour. We know, without thinking much about it that a dominant needs to be honourable, and we quickly step in to denounce a dominant we feel is lacking in it.

But exactly what is honour…and is it only confined to dominants?

Do slaves, submissives, bottoms have honour? Do we need it?

Honour, for me, is all about inner accountability.

As adults we experience a certain degree of outer accountability, but for the rest, we’re on our own. It’s easy enough to get away with things; no one can watch you 100% of the time. And many things we can get away with, with no one being the wiser.

Occasionally we all play a little loose with our honour. Perhaps sneaking in a quick phone call during company time, or putting less than our best effort into something we agreed to do.

Is it wrong? Technically, yes.

Is it harmful?

Well, perhaps that’s debatable.

Will my boss suffer because I spent 5 minutes on the phone instead of working on a file that I end up handing in by deadline? Not really, and we can argue that it’s pretty much a given that employees will do these things, and as long as it doesn’t interfere with our work the employer opts to look the other way.

A trade-off.

We can always rationalize it in our heads, and most of us do, in order to allow us to step out of our sense of honour and give in to the baser impulse.

But, later, even if we don’t get caught, we can’t help but hear the nagging voice of guilt in our head. We know it was wrong, and even if it wasn’t harmful, it still feels like a bit of sand in our shoes. Our inner accountability is our voice of honour, perhaps.

How does this relate to BDSM?

As a submissive I am often in the position of making promises and following rules and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when the situation grates on me a bit, I like exercising my honour. I like knowing I have a sense of inner accountability that can rise to a challenge.

We talk about Tops and Dominants having honour all the time, but when I agree to something that my dominant can’t check up on, I’m on my honour to do the right thing.

Otherwise, I’m cheating. I’ve devalued the relationship I have, and tagged it as less important than whatever impulse I was wanting to indulge. I’ve truly cheapened what I’m supposed to cherish, when I am less than what I can be, made the relationship less that what is should and could aspire to.

In those situations, when I bend the rules, it may seem unlikely my dominant will suffer. But I will. And that’s not the kind of suffering I look forward to.

Of course, that’s just one example of where we need to show honour. It’s in our commitments to each other, and to the world around us. When we do our best, when we hold to our honour we help make the world a better place.

Personally I’ve come to expect honour from myself, and from anyone I let into my closer circle of life. I don’t care whether they capitalize their name or not, I don’t care where they think they sit on the power exchange scale, the sexual orientation scale, the gender scale, or even the weight scale for that matter.

Honour is a quality I value, in myself, and in the people I love. Bottom line (no pun intended!).

The next time honour is brought up on a fetish forum, or at a munch or kink workshop, take a moment to see if people are holding all of the fetish community up to the same standards or are they simply dragging out a double-standard and airing it as Truth.

You might be surprised.

Who let the Jehovah witness in the building?

I woke up to late to go to MaST meeting. My bell was ringing and this is what woke me up, the Jehovah’s witness. It never amazes me that some people will just not respect that fact that other have work out and are happy with what they believe in. Don’t get me wrong and I don’t want to go on a rant about religion and the things through out history religion was used to justify. But if you are the lucky ones who are comfortable in you life with what you believe, other should respect that and not try to convince you other wise. I use to have a picture on my front door of something that conveyed my belief and that usually kept my bell from ringing.

So even though I thanked them for stopping by and told them I was happy with my spirituality, they took offence. And I usually don’t do and say things that would make folks uncomfortable, but since they stopped me from closing my door I said with a straight face.

“ I’m a pagan and although I am grateful for the foundation my Grand Parents gave me I’m sure they like God loves me, even knowing that I get mentally and sexually aroused by doing bad things to people. By bad and I use this so that you can understand, I mean I love tying men up and beating them and from time to time having sex with them,”

After bidding them a good day I got to close my door.

I often ask of others who want to be in a relationship with me to have their shit together

On my about page on my blog I write:

“To be apart of my world I require one to be healthy physically, mentally and spiritually, to a large degree.”

By a large degree I don’t mean you have to be Jack La Lane, lord knows I’m not. I smoke, I eat meat and on occasion I’ll have a drink. I’m not a work out freak, but I do live in New York a walking town. And I get my share of a work out with my Wii. Mentally I’m not a psycho, and have been to a head doctor to work on some issues that I thought were important to me. To spiritual matters and the Johovah’s witness. If what you do spiritually brings you fulfillment it’s something to be encouraged. But it is important that you have something spiritually going on. I believe it’s an important part of any relationship I’m in.  

But thinking about the bible thumpers and those that feel they have to convert a pervert like me. It’s not and never was difficult for me to live the life I always have. Oh, there are difficulties. But that has to do much more with the quality of people who say on thing but have no clue.

I wonder how people in BDSM/ D/s or Master/slave relationships deal with the spiritual when it come to the relationship. Or if they even had a need to reconcile that part of

their lives?

Pondering

DSM Revision Petition

The DSM Revision Petition is gathering signatures from individuals and organizations calling on the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to adhere to empirical research when revising the diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Statements currently within the DSM Paraphilias criteria are contradicted by scientific evidence therefore NCSF must conclude that the interpretation of the Paraphilias criteria has been politically – not scientifically – based. This politically motivated interpretation subjects BDSM practitioners, fetishists and cross-dressers to bias, discrimination and social sanctions without any scientific basis.

Petition:
“We, the undersigned, support the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) own goal of making its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) a scientific document, based on empirical research and devoid of cultural bias. A diagnosis of a mental disorder can have a severe adverse impact on employment opportunities, child custody determinations, an individual’s well-being, and other areas of functioning. Therefore we urge the APA to remove all diagnoses that are not based upon peer-reviewed, empirical research, demonstrating distress or dysfunction, from the DSM. The APA specifically should not promote current social norms or values as a basis for clinical judgments.”

To sign, go to: www.thepetitionsite.com/1/DSMrevisionpetition
(You can make your signature anonymous on this secure petition site so it doesn’t appear on the Internet)

To find out more about the DSM and the Paraphilias section, read the NCSF & ITCR: The Foundation for NCSF’s “White Paper on the DSM Revision” at www.ncsfreedom.org

For more information, email: DSMrevisionpetition@yahoo.com

Please distribute to organizations and individuals and ask them to sign on!

sufferintillsufferage

Why Women Should Vote

Claim: Article relates the plight of suffragists who were arrested for picketing the White House in 1917.

Status: True.

Example: [Collected on the Internet, August 2008]

WHY WOMEN SHOULD VOTE

This is the story of our Grandmothers and Great-grandmothers; they lived only 90 years ago.

Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.

The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketing the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote.

And by the end of the night, they were barely alive. Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden’s blessing went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of ‘obstructing sidewalk traffic.’

They beat Lucy Burns, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air.

They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate,
Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.

Thus unfolded the ‘Night of Terror’ on Nov. 15, 1917, when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson’s White House for the right to vote.

For weeks, the women’s only water came from an open pail. Their food — all of it colorless slop — was infested with worms.

When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

So, refresh my memory. Some women won’t vote this year because — why, exactly? We have carpool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn’t matter? It’s raining?

Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO’s new movie ‘Iron Jawed Angels.’ It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so that I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder.

All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote. Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege. Sometimes it was inconvenient.

My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women’s history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She was **** with herself. ‘One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,’ she said. ‘What would those women think of the way I use, or don’t use, my right to vote? All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn.’ The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her ‘all over again.’

HBO released the movie on video and DVD . I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum I want it shown on Bunco night, too, and anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn’t our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.

It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and brave. That didn’t make her crazy.

The doctor admonished the men: ‘Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.’

Please, if you are so inclined, pass this on to all the women you know.

We need to get out and vote and use this right that was fought so hard for by these very courageous women. Whether you vote democratic, republican or independent party – remember to vote.

History is being made.

Additional information:
Tactics and Techniques of the National Woman’s Party Suffrage Campaign Tactics and Techniques of the National Woman’s Party Suffrage Campaign
(Library of Congress)
Last updated: 6 September 2008

The URL for this page is http://www.snopes.com/politics/ballot/womenvote.asp

Urban Legends Reference Pages © 1995-2008 by snopes.com.
This material may not be reproduced without permission.
snopes and the snopes.com logo are registered service marks of snopes.com.
Sources Sources:

Adams, Katherine H. and Michael L. Keene. Alice Paul and the American Suffrage Campaign.
University of Illinois Press, 2007. ISBN 0-252-07471-8.

Lunardini, Christine A. From Equal Suffrage to Equal Rights: Alice Paul and the National Woman’s Party, 1910-1928.
New York University Press, 1986. ISBN 0-595-00055-X (pp. 104-122).

Stevens, Doris. Jailed for Freedom: American Women Win the Vote.
Troutdale, OR: NewSage Press, 1995. ISBN 0-939-16525-2.

[From snopes.com: Why Women Should Vote]

(This article was written just six months into my exploration of BDSM, I still feel the relevance of it today.)

I was reading today on aspects of shame and humiliation, and their place in BDSM play and D/s relationships in particular.

I would have told you 6 months ago that humiliation didn’t interest me, that I was sceptical that it had its place in ‘healthy BDSM’.

Of course one of the fastest discoveries you make when you begin to explore BDSM is that so much of what you thought to be true before, has little or no base in reality. You have to be prepared to be humbled unless you’re smart enough to keep your opinions to yourself until you’ve actually learned something.

My first Dom simply looked at me with an indulgent look whenever I said: “I know I wouldn’t like that” or “I know I’ll never want to try that”…

Humiliation was one of those things. Or, as I’ve seen it more accurately labelled ‘erotic humiliation’.

I couldn’t imagine letting someone call me slut, making me admit that they could do anything they wanted to me and I wouldn’t stop them, or any of those other delicious things that I now recognize as being more than simply spice added to the play.

I had a sense of BDSM as a sensual experience. I was probably born with some inborn instinct that drew me towards it…BUT…I had NO concept of the emotional/mental aspects involved. Didn’t know what dominance and submission really was. I knew I’d always fantasized about being restrained. I’ve been obsessed with chains and blindfolds since before I can even remember. Sensation play was something I had no doubt I’d enjoy. Even to be teased about needing a spanking gave me the most delicious shivers, although I never let on.

What I was not prepared for was the mind-trip of D/s; the emotional power of it.

Why is it that being called a slut, being called ‘greedy and shameless’, become such turn-ons when we spend our whole lives as women trying NOT to get those labels?

Why is that the idea of being nothing more than a sex toy for your dominant’s pleasure is so fulfilling, so evocative?

I’ve thought about this a lot because I’m not the kind of person who can just accept things. I have to KNOW why they are the way they are. (A mind that never shuts up can be a curse. ::laughing::)

The only answer I have is that deep inside us we all recognize this drive to be the animals we really are. We tame it, hide it, deny it…We do anything but acknowledge it. And even more importantly we try hard never to let anyone else know it’s there; even though it should occur to us that they have it, too.

Humans are not very bright about these things.

The hardest challenge we face in relationships is that of being ‘known’. It scares the hell out of us to let someone see all of us. All of the stuff society says is bad. All of the stuff we think everyone else doesn’t have.

The aggressiveness of BDSM, the mind-trips of D/s, the pain and humiliation of it all, seem to me to be the way we acknowledge that animal side of ourselves. In BDSM we are allowed to reveal that greedy, slutty, violent, animalistic self.

Encouraged to.

Forced to.

And then we are praised and loved and comforted and thanked by our partner for doing so. We are reassured that not only are they not going to run from us, but that they are proud of our bravery and strength in setting the animal free. They are grateful that we did every ‘nasty’ delicious thing we did. This works on both sides.

We talk so much about trust in BDSM. About how much we must trust our partners with our very lives. And to be honest, this has not been the hardest thing for me so far in my journey. I have an inherent belief in the goodness of people, and in my own ability to put myself in safe situations, and avoid dangerous ones.

No, allowing someone to tie me up hasn’t been my biggest challenge.

The trust that is harder to give, the trust that we don’t talk so much about is the trust we place in our partner when we give them our inner selves, when we lay naked our fantasies and our needs.

When we do so, and our partner not only accepts them but joins us in making those fantasies come true, in fulfilling those needs…that’s when we are truly liberated by BDSM.

But, what does this have to do with humiliation?

Well, as a sub, it seems to me that first we have to break through the pride and fear that keeps us from baring ourselves.

Kneeling, begging, and acknowledging that I am a possession and no more…these things frighten me beyond belief. But now I know how these moments will act to truly free me to enter into a deeper more secure relationship than I have ever thought I could be capable of.

It’ll take time. It’ll take the love of a wise and caring dominant to work patiently through my resistance, to rip it from me when the time is right.

Scary? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Rewarding?

Hell, yes.

To me it seems like a rite of passage. Like getting my ears pierced at 16. Like my tattoos. I knew they were going to hurt. I dreaded them. I looked forward to them.

I was forever changed by them.

And that…THAT is what life is about.

Cinful

x-posted

(disclaimer – i tend to use the terms Dom and sub in a Male Dom/female sub style simply because that is where most of my experience lies. This in no way negates other genders and other roles, this is simply the easiest way for me to communicate. Please change the pronouns around in your head as you read if that facilitates your ingestion of the material)

Today we explore begging in BDSM play. Now on the surface it seems not such a stretch to think of a sub who’s given over her power begging for her Dom to do even more debauched things to her in a scene many would see as already disgraceful . Its part and parcel, right? Like chocolate and peanut butter.. two great things that go great together?

Oh if only things were that simple!

For me, and myriad other subs I have talked to, begging is one of the hardest tasks we face. Yep, task. As in work, as in ‘a definite piece of work assigned to, falling to, or expected of a person; duty.’ Many, many tops just love to see us squirm by making us beg for what it is we want, and what they want to do to us already. And they love even more to order us to do it.

As for why that is, you’ll have to search out the writings of a Dominant. As a switchy type, I can see some allure in making a bottom beg, but not at the expense of knowing first hand the discomfort it can cause – but then I’ve just answered my own query there now haven’t i? I do that alot.

Back to begging. So what is it we are talking about exactly? oh, Dictionary.com, how I love thee:

1. to ask for as a gift, as charity, or as a favor: to beg alms; to beg forgiveness
2. to ask (someone) to give or do something; implore: He begged me for mercy. Sit down, I beg you.
3. to take for granted without basis or justification: a statement that begs the very point we’re disputing.
4. to fail or refuse to come to grips with; avoid; evade: a report that consistently begs the whole problem.
5. to ask alms or charity; live by asking alms.
6. to ask humbly or earnestly: begging for help; begging to differ
7. (of a dog) to sit up, as trained, in a posture of entreaty

The bolded ones are the most applicable for our purposes here. Now add those definitions to having to request that you be able to do simple things like eat, speak, use the washroom .. or equally as embarrassing.. to be fucked or beaten and in explicit detail (those Tops do love a litany of dirty words and often will not consider the task complete until a certain vileness quota is reached) and you have an idea of what it is i am speaking.

Broken down like that it doesn’t seem all THAT big a deal, right? Well it is, or it can be. So what’s the big fuss all about? If you can knowingly consent to a D/s dynamic or a scene in which violence is a factor, why is this little bit of verbiage so hard?

Lots of people think its the humiliation factor. And that can be a part of it. Begging IS humiliating. To have the knowledge that ‘no, missy, in fact you are NOT in control of what does or does not happen to you and even worse you have to put yourself out there, made known your most naughty desires out loud and there is a very good chance they will not happen..and, you did this to yourself..’ is humbling to say the very least. But lots of us get off on the humilation. I know i do. So while having to say those words is incredibly shaming to me in a way, when i look back on scenes, the times I’ve had to do this are some of my favorite ones.

So that’s not really the problem, not for me anyway.. what is?

Well subspace plays a role. Lots of us get incredibly non verbal when we get floaty. I have a friend who uses hand signals or one word replies with her Dom because she totally loses the ability to verbally communicate. I get that way too. He’ll say ‘Tell me what you want, bitch..’ and my mind goes crazy with so many words and images that it puts Literotica to shame. I know EXACTLY what I’d like done, but damned if i can say it. The words just refuse to travel from brain to mouth. If they do, then brain just forgets to tell mouth muscles to move in such a way that speech is formed. I want to talk, i really do! I simply cant..

But thats only once I’m spacey. What about the other times? If I like the humilation and I’m not so far gone I can still talk, why cant I do it? Ahh, here’s the rub:

I get off on the power exchange. I like play and all, but that’s one reason I don’t seek out more play partners. I like the power dynamics to be deeply rooted, so that when you say the words and perform the deeds they have meaning attached to them. Casual play is fun and has its place (sometimes a girl just needs to get beat!), but for me to really feel it, there needs to be significance.

Example: ‘You’ve been a bad girl and need to be spanked, havent you?’

Casual play: Translation? ‘We are roleplaying so we can both get into a sexy headspace. It all ends when the scene does’

Play with a more committed Partner: Translation? ‘You didn’t do the dishes when you were told last Thursday and now i will make sure you never fuck that up again’

Both have their place, but the second has teeth. And I do love bite. There is significance, meaning, consequence. That’s what I love about D/s.

So, begging.. If I honestly love the D/s, and I’ve actively sought out a power dynamic and happily consented to a power exchange, why the issue with begging? Well, that consent is why.

I don’t ‘play’ at this with my Dom. I take it seriously. I actively said to him when i took his collar “i believe in you and your judgement. i want to rely on you to know what is best for me and i will follow what you say. if you say ‘do’, i do’; if you say ‘no’, i don’t argue”. I trust him to keep me both safe and enthralled in life and in play. And he does, and does it well. But then the bastard wants me to beg..

Well, here is my issue: If i have said to him ‘i put myself in your hands and will do what you want done’, i have no claim on what gets done. Its supposed to be HIS word is what goes, why am I being given a say? It just seems to me to turn everything on its head. Plus, begging implies a sense of whining. And I detest whining in anyone. Like REALLY loathe it. It seems to strike of :

‘i want this’

‘no’

‘but i really really want it!’

‘no and here is why’ excellent reason given

‘but i want it!!’ voice goes all shrill, feet get stamped, pouty lip comes out..

Fuck i HATE that shit. I dont tolerate it from my kids so to be made to do that just goes against everything in my being. Its rewarding bad behavior just for the sake of peace. So the bad behavior is whats topping here, and that never ends well.

But back to headspaces..

So, lets take a sex scenario. Things are all hot & bothered. Everyone is sweaty, in the zone so to speak, things are tingly and feeling good and you hear ‘tell me you want it…’ Well DUH! I wouldn’t be here all writhy and moaning if i didn’t want it! And i might add the REASON i am all writhing and moaning is because of what YOU are doing to me! Whatever it is you are doing is clearly working, why fix it if it aint broke!

But besides all that, the headspaces: we decided when we started this thing that you Top, me bottom. I am here to be used for your pleasure at your discretion. I’m to be an object, something you get to do horribly sinful things to to get off. If i beg and whine for what it is I want, all that just went out the window. If i whine and say what i want and then you do it, then that bad behavior is whats in charge here, not you.

All that sounds very logical huh? Ok, mia, you’ve laid that out very well and I see your point so that’s that.. right? Well, not so much. Why? Because he still wants begging and I still have problems with it. And I do at least TRY to be a good girl. So Dom wants begging.. suck it up girl, find a way to make it happen. Obviously a new perspective is needed. (yes I talk to myself alot, why do you ask?)

There is the ‘just do it’ approach. But for the reasons I outlined earlier isnt really effective. Sure you can just say the words, but its more than words they wanna hear, they wanna hear the desperation, the panic and the pleading. If you are just rehashing lines the same inflections wont be there. So that wont work.. damn

But what was that other thing I said up there? Oh yeah ” if you say ‘do’, i do’; if you say ‘no’, i don’t argue”. Well fuck. That’s the one isn’t it? Its what I said I wanted, and I do. Its what I said I don’t play at, so I shouldn’t. Its what I sought out, so I would be a fool to spit in its face as its not an easy thing to find.

So there we go then. That’s the headspace I have to get in, the one I love being in anyway. He orders, I do. That’s really all there is to say about it isn’t it? All these words and the explanation was right there the whole time. If it were a snake I’d have 48 puncture marks in my skin by now.

BDSM is truly unique in this way. Only thru making yourself speak horribly debauched words do you find new depths of self exploration . You have to wallow in the mud to get clean.

~mia

Kink In Motion

(crossposted from A Little Cinful)

If everything goes as planned, in a few weeks I’ll be doing a boot worship scene. This will be a definite new experience for me; one that I hope will spark a renewed passion for non-sexual/casual play.

It’s not uncommon, after the initial frenzy for play we experience as newbies dies down, for kinksters to start getting a little bored and dissatisfied with the familiar floggings and spankings; especially at a casual or public play level. I’m hoping that by finding something novel to focus on, I can bring back some of the magic of my early days attending play parties.

As This Girl noted in her last entry here at Kinky Sex Link, BDSM is a drug, an addiction. Sometimes we coast so long on that drug that it loses its intoxicating power and we’re forced to search for a new high. So sometime we search for deeper submission, or higher levels of pain, to bring on that high, and sometimes we switch roles to experience the greener grass on the other side.

And sometimes we just look inwards, find a latent fetish, and drag it out to the light of day.

(Or is that the dark of the dungeon?)

As a little girl, I was already quite submissive. I enjoyed serving, and I enjoyed earning praise and attention from those I adored. Although my mother, being very dominant, was often the one I sought to please, I worshipped both my grandfather and my father.

My father, a part-time country and western singer, often wore cowboy boots and one of my favourite activities as a child was to remove those boots when he’d come in from work.

(I can see the Freudian heads nodding, and the soft Aha’s from the readers already. LOL)

Now cowboy boot removal can be difficult, and the feat is often accomplished by having the remover straddle one boot-covered foot, facing away from the boot-wearer, and gripping the boot heel in both hands. The boot-wearer then plants the other foot on the remover’s ass, and gives a good shove.

Remover and boot then tend to go flying, often landing with a satisfying thump on the floor.

I remember how much laughter accompanied the boot-removal ritual, and how it felt to hold the soft, fragrant leather in my hands. I remember the thrill of waiting for that literal boot in the ass, and how my father would often draw it out, until I was giggling so hard that when the real shove came I wasn’t prepared and I’d be nothing more than a giggling pile on the floor, grasping the offending – and well-loved – footwear in hand.

So many Freudian layers. The sexuality of youth and its focus on the father/mother figure, the feel of the firm power between innocent, but sensitive thighs…It doesn’t take a psychologist to work out the not-so-innocent pleasures in such an innocent act of affection between parent and child.

(Now, lest anyone take offense, my father is a wonderful parent. I had an extremely safe, loving childhood, and in no way am I dealing with anything resembling the resolution of incest issues. Pure and simple, the little girl in me still loves to please her “father”, and the woman in me can’t help but now include her sexuality in this endeavour.)

So, in a few weeks, I hope to be doing a scene that replays this boot removal ritual, along with other boot worship activities that will please the cowboy-boot-wearing dominant friend who’ll be indulging me in this.

Oh, and he has mentioned boot-blacking skills. What?? Time for research, I guess.

Stay tuned…