Kinky Sex Link

When you start talking poly and kink, often the realization is: ‘umm hey, this particular issue is applicable to all dynamics and relationships, not just poly or kink ones’. Things like transparency, communication, self identified needs, etc.. Lots of things that we have actually been dealing with for years and years start to take on names and shapes and forms once the self exploration that often accompanies a kinky or poly journey begins.

One of the main ones that has become a recurrent theme in my life over the past few years is what I have not so cleverly titled ‘The Special Thing.’ It’s one I have really struggled with. At first I refused to acknowledge it  existed,  I fought that it could be a component that would be in the makeup of the person I want to be. After a while I gave it a name and admitted that yes indeed, this was ‘a deal’ for me. Next I processed (and am still prcessing) through it: what is it? why is it there? why does it feel so icky? why does it bother me? should I do something about it? What can I do about it?

And that’s about where I am now. I have sat on this post for well over a year trying to make some sense of it for myself. Of course, like so much else once I started talking about it to a few trusted friends I quickly realized that yet again I am not a unique snowflake and many people wrestle with this. I am nowhere near conquering this one, but I think I have gained a few insights into it and maybe those will ring the ‘aha!’ bell for someone else as well.

So, the basics (from my own experiences as well as examples from others I have talked with, your experience may look very similar or all together different):

What is it? I call it ‘The Special Thing’, as in ‘I need to feel special’. As in ‘I am very cool with you having other loves, partners, friends, pets, etc.., just please before we start with the rundown on why everyone else in your life is uber amazing so I can share that with you and be happy for you, please take a second to let me know you think I am pretty snazzy too.’ It took me well over 18 months just to be able to define it as I just did.

Some context may help (not all of these examples are mine, but I aint naming names either)

Ex A: After talking with a play partner for a few weeks I asked a simple question. I knew they were poly, living in a triad and had other partners as well. I actually found that to be a part of the attraction. But, trying to get into the proper headspace (for sceneing and general chat type purposes) I asked ‘So.. how many people do you actually play with in a year?’ The reply was ‘oh, 2 or 3? Not many…’ Then I found out through our oh so small community that the numbers were actually in the dozens and bordering on triple digits. Being one of three has a different feel that being one of dozens. Both are totally legit and neither is better or worse, but it does throw you into a totally different perspective when examining the dynamic. I just wanted the info so I could plug it into my CPU. The data either way would have fit, just in different ways. So I wasnt special enough to even be told the truth.The lying along with the actual difference in the truth in advertising effectively kiboshed the whole thing for me.

Ex B: After setting up a potential play date for an event, the very next message was ‘oh, and hey, could you get lilmisssexy to play with the the next night?’ Kay.. So one of three things are happening here: 1) I am good enough to have one scene with, but not 2? or 2) You are placating me with a scene to butter me up so I will get you a date? or 3) You want me to play pimp for you? Now the reasonable part of me says ‘its none of those, this person simply wanted a variety of play and hoped you would help them out’. Which sounds innocent enough? But the truth is, it hurt. It felt like I was good enough to be a notch on a bedpost and nothing more. There was nothing ‘special enough’ about me to hold any interest beyond a 45 minute scene. And all it would have taken is a simple ‘I do want to play with you because (fill in the blank)’ and then I would have had no problem talking to my friend sexysub so they both could have had a good scene. But it didnt go down that way and neither scene ever happened. Call me selfish or unenlightened if you will, but my feelings were hurt and I had not yet figured out why.

Ex C: ‘Ahh yeah sorry I forgot about our scene we had planned for months, but see I had this thing going with this other girl for a while and I just lost track’. If that aint an ego crusher I dont know what is.

Ex D: Out of town on business and texting with a potential new person. First text when I wake up in the morning is ‘oh wish I was there with you, we could have had alot of fun with this hot little number I know in that city’. Ok yes, it does sound like it could be a fun time.. but with no ‘hello, how are you, I dig you because X, nada… ‘ it felt like I was once again the instrument of facilitation of someone else’s  good time and not good enough to deserve one of my own.

Why is it there? Well here is where it becomes very personalized. For me, after lo these many many MANY hours of soul searching I have found that for me it comes from years of being second best in some respects. I was always pretty, but not THE pretty one. I was always well liked, but not THE one. I was always on the cusp of being something special in someone else’s eyes, but only until they saw that glint of shiny coming from the corner. My sister was the pretty one, a few of my friends in high school got the guys I wanted after I spent months flirting with them and establishing a connection but they would just fuck them. That kind of thing. I was never the one actively chosen over anyone else. My dad was always very quick to point out why I would never be what I wanted to be. So in a word: external validation is my problem.

Why does it feel so icky? Again, this is just MY history. It feels icky because it feels like I am never good enough, pretty enough, enough enough. And it feels like no amount of effort or time can make it be any other way. So it feels like I suck and there is nothing I can do about it.

(the emo stuff ends soon, i promise, bear with me here!)

Why does it bother me? Clearly because I have had no real working system of validating my own self worth. Who cares what they think? Do I measure up to what I want myself to be? Then THAT should be where I get my sense of self from. But that system by which I value myself is in its infancy and very fragile, so the external stuff is what hits me fastest and hardest. Like a sucker punch to my ego’s solar plexus. Its getting stronger day by day, but until the internal is stronger and faster than the external, these examples I gave will continue to knock the wind out of me. Its getting there, but it takes a looong time to deprogram three and half decades of a way of seeing yourself.

Should I do something about it? only if I want to stop feeling punched in the gut. Which I do.. so there is definite work to be done to ‘be that change I want to see’

What can I do about it? Now here comes the good part. I can do alot. Take the above examples. NOW, I could say the following (obviously I couldnt then because I couldnt even define it much less forge the tool I’d need to address it properly.’ Here is what I would say now:

Ex A: I have heard a few things that contradict your answers to me, I’d appreciate you giving me some more information on this issue and then I can better decide if I fit into your life right now in a way that’s mutually beneficial.

Ex B: I felt a bit inferior when you asked me to find you another date. I realize I am by far not your only play partner and I have no issues with that, but I dont enjoy feeling like something you may be settling for. I think we should talk some more about what was said and what was actually meant by those words and then see if the warm fuzzies are still there that would allow for a good scene. I want to feel special in a scene and if that isnt something thats going to happen then I’d prefer to just be friends for the night and not complicate things with a scene that may leave me feeling lacking.

Ex C: I understand you had some NRE going on and thats always a good feeling. But thats no excuse for simply blowing somone off. That was hurtful and insensitive and I’ll not be playing with anyone who values my time and feelings so little.

Ex D: You know, that DOES sound hot, but I prefer to not facilitate anyone getting the scene I want until I do get my scene. I have needs and desires and once those are met I would really enjoy exploring more things with more people with you, but I need to know I am special enough to you for you to want to play with me on or own before I can add another person.

In NONE of these scenarios was the issue that I would not be the only person in another’s life. I have lots of partners and they all do as well. I identify as poly so this is the realm I choose and prefer to move in.  The NUMBERS are not the issue, the people the numbers represent are not the problem. The problem lies in presenting the information in such a way as to value one almost to the exclusion of the other.

And really, the heart of it lies in how I value myself. How do I see myself as special? In what ways do I value me? Well, I want to  have things said to me that leave me feeling attractive and wanted. I deserve to have the dates I set up seen through or cancelled in a way that does not feel like a brush off. I want to be flirted with and complimented in a genuine way and not only to gain favor of some kind. that type of thing.

And the real trick: how can I get across that I want to be with people who share those values and self images and can express them back to me in a way that now ‘REINFORCES’ my value rather than defining it for me?  I now know my value (or at least an eensy part of it), I have defined it for myself in a way I am pleased with and prefer to have that reinforced rather than glossed over or ignored entirely.  How to do that without sounding like an arrogant, demanding bitch can be tricky.

Here are a few tricks I have learned, some work better than others and some may be taken out of the toolbox soon (and it should be said not all of these work for every situation):

1. Dont answer right away. Take your time. You dont owe anyone a rapidfire response.
2. Be gracious first. Try and get clarification on what was said and what was meant.
3. Be gentle but firm in letting others know that they way they have spoken to you is perhaps less than flattering to you.
4. If they apologize sincerely, accept it on face value and be hopeful that particular scenario will most likely never occur again.
5. Breezy jokes that address the issue but without saying ‘we must sit and process this out immediately’ are often effective
6. Stand your ground and dont forget that you are special in your own eyes. Bring the conversation around to your own strengths without belittling anyone else or sounding arrogant.
7. Know when to cut your losses. If a person persists in conversational or behavioral style that you have communicated that you find unpleasing, dont be afraid to say ‘yanno, this isnt working for me’ and move on to the folks who do talk and behave more in the style that adds to your life in a positive fashion.
8. Try and step back and take yourself out of it all. Perhaps events in that person’s life are making them more apt to say and do things they wouldnt normally do under less stressful circumstances.
9. Dont make a decision about a person based on one interaction. Once could be a fluke for any number of reasons. A pattern of unpleasantness is where you need to make some choices.
10. MOST IMPORTANT – be ok by yourself. find and do things that you do for the joy of it alone. be ok staying in with a good book. take long walks to places YOU want to be. do things that make you happy whether others join you or not in equal fashion.

So in reality ‘The Special Thing’ isnt as easily fixed as it may seem. For months I wanted to scream ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? CANT THEY JUST SAY NICE THINGS? IS IT SO DIFFICULT OR AM I SO LACKING IN SOME WAY AS TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD AN IMPOSSIBILITY?’ In some cases yes.. some people are just asshats. But for the majority of the situations the answer lies in some good ole fashioned self exploration, perspective shifting and boundary setting.

Afterall, if I dont think I am special, why should anyone else? Now to be able to say that without sounding like a Hollywood starlet with a reality show cramming how awesome she is down the collective throat of the  viewing audience. Thats my next challenge. But. its a process, rife with lots of journeys and very few destinations. I’ll get to where the universe thinks I need to be eventually. In the meantime, I’m learning. And its helping me deal with lots of things in life, not just play dates and multiple partners.

~kim

Kink In Motion

x-post from Mystress Lady Evyl

A little while back I wrote a blog about how I wanted to start offering workshops to small groups about various topics within our alternative lifestyle. Well the timing of my plans and the new ALCC could not have been more perfect!

The Alternative Lifestyle Community Center (Centre Communautaire pour les styles de vie Alternatifs de Montréal) is a free and open space where like minded individuals can meet, share, learn, build and create meaningful relationships, discover, and seek information without fear, judgment, or discrimination.

Last night I attended the grand opening and it was a huge success. I could only come for a short while and got there very early. I expected the place to be quiet. I was wrong…at 5h20pm the place was already packed. Such a great sign for the future! Countess Allura, a fabulous wonderful lady I am happy to call my friend, is the founder of this center. Amazing my dear! I am so proud of you!

And yes of course I will be giving my workshops here. I am very excited. I already have dates on the schedule. So COME SEE ME AT MY WORKSHOPS.

Wednesday, May 12

7-8pm: What is Protocol – Lady Evyl (English)

Wednesday, May 26

7-8pm: C’est quoi le Protocol – Lady Evyl (Français)

Wednesday, June 9

7-8pm: Let’s Have a Ball -CBT Intro – Lady Evyl (English)

Wednesday, June 16

7-8pm: On s’amuse avec les boules – Intro au CBT – Lady Evyl (Français)

More about the Alternative Lifestyle Community:

We provide information, education, counseling, socialization, and support through activities, workshops, seminars, discussion groups, certified psychologists, drop-in hours, and resource materials.

We welcome all people 18 years of age or older from any religion, culture, spirituality, race, age, distinction, minority, majority, orientation, identity, preference, sexuality, that may be curious about, questioning, or living an alternative lifestyle. We also welcome those who are concerned, opposing, or uncertain about alternative lifestyles and encourage you to come to the center to learn more.

We encourage you to drop by and ask questions, familiarize yourself with the various activities being offered at the center, or simply sit on our comfy couch and read some of the literature we have available.

The center is YOUR place to call your own and feel welcome.

My new article about why men fake orgasms is up at Alternet. Here’s the link and a blurb:

Why Men Fake Orgasms
http://www.alternet.org/sex/144729/why_men_fake_orgasms

Many women would be surprised to learn that men often fake orgasms. But why? Our limited, patriarchal view of sexuality, of course.

If you thought that only women faked orgasms, you’d be wrong. Plenty of men fake their way out of the sack. How on earth can a guy even fake an orgasm? What is he going to do, spray dish detergent and try to pass it off as semen? More importantly, why would a man want to pull off this kind of bluff?

OTHER ARTICLES AT ALTERNET

My Husband Can’t Get It Up — But We Still Have Viagra-Free Sex
(Reprint from Sexis Magazine)
http://www.alternet.org/story/142807/my_husband_can%27t_get_it_up_–_but_we_still_have_viagra-free_sex/

I have heard lots and lots of debates on the merits and drawbacks of safewords. Are they necessary, are they effective, is someone who yellows a wuss or are they a person in control of their own safety, etc, etc, etc. There are lots of good, intelligent, well articulated arguments for and against the use of safewords out there… this aint one of them.

Yellow is for people who don’t really want to let go of control, while pretending that they do.

First off, this is BDSM. We engage in varying degrees of role play frequently. Ever hear of consensual nonconsent? Rape fantasies? (emphasis on the fantasy part, please and thank you). So why the inherent sarcasm which seems to imply that anyone ‘pretending’ to relinquish control is somehow inferior to someone who ‘actually’ does?

(the ‘pretend’ and  ‘actual’ are in quotations since the debate on what  types of play and players are real and what aren’t is a chicken and egg deabte of the worst type and would need an entire website full of hundreds of entries to even begin to cover it. So we’ll just leave that for another blogger to cover and assume a level playing field here)

Why is one type of role play considered hot & another considered less than in some way? Whatever the reason, it’s silly. If we were in the business of doing things the way the majority rules there would most likely not be any BDSM in the first place. Let’s show some solidarity? Why the phrase ‘your kink isnt my kink but your kink is ok’ isnt just spouted but embraced  remains beyond me. Long story short: your way works for you, their way works for them. What they do in no way directly affects you in any negative way so stop with the false superiority.

But more than that, calling yellow or at least knowing that you can and it will have the desired effect is not a placebo. Its a lubricant.It does not inhibit a scene, it allows it to happen in the first place.

In three years of being with my primary partner we scened countless times and I have called yellow once. In that same time I have bottomed to a dozen or more people at varying levels of intensity and have never called yellow. Yet every single time I’ve scened I know without hesitation that if i feel i NEED to call yellow, i can and it will be respected. Knowing you can press pause for half a second builds trust. Trust facilitates scenes.

If I call yellow it doesnt mean I end a scene. It means I am being an active, engaged, educated, empowered and respectful partner. It means I am making an attempt to give my top the valuable information they need as to how to proceed based on current conditions. Once they have that information THEY can decide whether to stop completely, change intensity or change the direction of the scene entirely. I am providing, THEY are deciding. At that point I neither want to be nor am in control over anything other than the dissemination of information.

An argument can be made much more effectively that when I call RED I have some control over the scene. Red ENDS a scene. We arent talking about red, thats a whole other show.

The calling of yellow is the equivalent of being a meteorologist. You want to go on a picnic, so you check the weather. The weather dude says there is a 75% chance of rain so you decide to stay indoors. So did the channel 4 weather guy make you stay home? Did he have some power over you, did he control your actions? Of course not. YOU made the decision based on the information available. The meteorologist was a conduit at best.

If you go round blaming the weather man everytime you dont get to enjoy outdoor recreation based on a weather prediction, you may well be just a generally unhappy person all round due to near constant feelings of victimizatrion and powerlessness.

That certainly would explain the derision in the original statement.

Use safewords, dont use safewords. personally i think they are useful and often necessary. But I am not in your scene so my views are of little import in that regard other than to educate those who wish to hear my opinion so that they might integrate that information into their own decision. But looking down on those who play differently than you do is not only comically arrogant, it often exposes the espouser as the threatened individual he or she really is.

Pot, meet kettle……

x-posted from Mystress Lady Evyl

I am a huge fan of the movie Capote. It is a superb film. It shows us the time Truman Capote, a journalist, spent in Kansas learning about the mass murder of a family back in 1959. From it he wrote the book In Cold Blood. This book is considered the originator of the non-fiction novel. So after seeing this movie again recently I decided to get the book. I am presently reading it (read it, its fabulous).

Now why am I writing about it here? Well a part I read today really struck a cord in reference to my previous blog about disappointing sub applicants. This part of the book is a letter Perry’s (one of the murderers) sister wrote to him while he was in jail for other charges a year prior to the slaying of the Clutter family. Here are the exerts that hit me:

“What you have done, whether right or wrong, is your own doing. From what I personally know, you have lived your life exactly as you pleased without regard to circumstances or persons who loved you—who might be hurt.

…you don’t show me any signs of SINCERE regret and seem to show no respect for any laws, people or anything. Your letter implies that the blame of all your problems is that of someone else, but never you.
You are a human being with a free will. Which puts you above the animal level. But if you live your life without feeling and compassion for your fellow-man—you are as an animal—….”

Wow, I LOVE that last part. I can imagine what is going through your head, you the reader. What is she talking about? What kind of a Domme is she? Don’t judge, you don’t know the whole situation. And it is something I am working on nipping it in the bub.

I am however willing to bet 90% of the Dom/mes that read this can think of at least one sub that fits that bill, or it resonates a familiar feeling. Bare with me, I am ending my mental-work-through of this part of my life. I am always depressing in November lol.

Mystress Lady Evyl

P.S. Let me note here in no way am I saying bad subs have any murdering tendencies.

We all hear the constant talk about dominants and their honour. We know, without thinking much about it that a dominant needs to be honourable, and we quickly step in to denounce a dominant we feel is lacking in it.

But exactly what is honour…and is it only confined to dominants?

Do slaves, submissives, bottoms have honour? Do we need it?

Honour, for me, is all about inner accountability.

As adults we experience a certain degree of outer accountability, but for the rest, we’re on our own. It’s easy enough to get away with things; no one can watch you 100% of the time. And many things we can get away with, with no one being the wiser.

Occasionally we all play a little loose with our honour. Perhaps sneaking in a quick phone call during company time, or putting less than our best effort into something we agreed to do.

Is it wrong? Technically, yes.

Is it harmful?

Well, perhaps that’s debatable.

Will my boss suffer because I spent 5 minutes on the phone instead of working on a file that I end up handing in by deadline? Not really, and we can argue that it’s pretty much a given that employees will do these things, and as long as it doesn’t interfere with our work the employer opts to look the other way.

A trade-off.

We can always rationalize it in our heads, and most of us do, in order to allow us to step out of our sense of honour and give in to the baser impulse.

But, later, even if we don’t get caught, we can’t help but hear the nagging voice of guilt in our head. We know it was wrong, and even if it wasn’t harmful, it still feels like a bit of sand in our shoes. Our inner accountability is our voice of honour, perhaps.

How does this relate to BDSM?

As a submissive I am often in the position of making promises and following rules and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when the situation grates on me a bit, I like exercising my honour. I like knowing I have a sense of inner accountability that can rise to a challenge.

We talk about Tops and Dominants having honour all the time, but when I agree to something that my dominant can’t check up on, I’m on my honour to do the right thing.

Otherwise, I’m cheating. I’ve devalued the relationship I have, and tagged it as less important than whatever impulse I was wanting to indulge. I’ve truly cheapened what I’m supposed to cherish, when I am less than what I can be, made the relationship less that what is should and could aspire to.

In those situations, when I bend the rules, it may seem unlikely my dominant will suffer. But I will. And that’s not the kind of suffering I look forward to.

Of course, that’s just one example of where we need to show honour. It’s in our commitments to each other, and to the world around us. When we do our best, when we hold to our honour we help make the world a better place.

Personally I’ve come to expect honour from myself, and from anyone I let into my closer circle of life. I don’t care whether they capitalize their name or not, I don’t care where they think they sit on the power exchange scale, the sexual orientation scale, the gender scale, or even the weight scale for that matter.

Honour is a quality I value, in myself, and in the people I love. Bottom line (no pun intended!).

The next time honour is brought up on a fetish forum, or at a munch or kink workshop, take a moment to see if people are holding all of the fetish community up to the same standards or are they simply dragging out a double-standard and airing it as Truth.

You might be surprised.

Who let the Jehovah witness in the building?

I woke up to late to go to MaST meeting. My bell was ringing and this is what woke me up, the Jehovah’s witness. It never amazes me that some people will just not respect that fact that other have work out and are happy with what they believe in. Don’t get me wrong and I don’t want to go on a rant about religion and the things through out history religion was used to justify. But if you are the lucky ones who are comfortable in you life with what you believe, other should respect that and not try to convince you other wise. I use to have a picture on my front door of something that conveyed my belief and that usually kept my bell from ringing.

So even though I thanked them for stopping by and told them I was happy with my spirituality, they took offence. And I usually don’t do and say things that would make folks uncomfortable, but since they stopped me from closing my door I said with a straight face.

“ I’m a pagan and although I am grateful for the foundation my Grand Parents gave me I’m sure they like God loves me, even knowing that I get mentally and sexually aroused by doing bad things to people. By bad and I use this so that you can understand, I mean I love tying men up and beating them and from time to time having sex with them,”

After bidding them a good day I got to close my door.

I often ask of others who want to be in a relationship with me to have their shit together

On my about page on my blog I write:

“To be apart of my world I require one to be healthy physically, mentally and spiritually, to a large degree.”

By a large degree I don’t mean you have to be Jack La Lane, lord knows I’m not. I smoke, I eat meat and on occasion I’ll have a drink. I’m not a work out freak, but I do live in New York a walking town. And I get my share of a work out with my Wii. Mentally I’m not a psycho, and have been to a head doctor to work on some issues that I thought were important to me. To spiritual matters and the Johovah’s witness. If what you do spiritually brings you fulfillment it’s something to be encouraged. But it is important that you have something spiritually going on. I believe it’s an important part of any relationship I’m in.  

But thinking about the bible thumpers and those that feel they have to convert a pervert like me. It’s not and never was difficult for me to live the life I always have. Oh, there are difficulties. But that has to do much more with the quality of people who say on thing but have no clue.

I wonder how people in BDSM/ D/s or Master/slave relationships deal with the spiritual when it come to the relationship. Or if they even had a need to reconcile that part of

their lives?

Pondering

DSM Revision Petition

The DSM Revision Petition is gathering signatures from individuals and organizations calling on the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to adhere to empirical research when revising the diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Statements currently within the DSM Paraphilias criteria are contradicted by scientific evidence therefore NCSF must conclude that the interpretation of the Paraphilias criteria has been politically – not scientifically – based. This politically motivated interpretation subjects BDSM practitioners, fetishists and cross-dressers to bias, discrimination and social sanctions without any scientific basis.

Petition:
“We, the undersigned, support the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) own goal of making its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) a scientific document, based on empirical research and devoid of cultural bias. A diagnosis of a mental disorder can have a severe adverse impact on employment opportunities, child custody determinations, an individual’s well-being, and other areas of functioning. Therefore we urge the APA to remove all diagnoses that are not based upon peer-reviewed, empirical research, demonstrating distress or dysfunction, from the DSM. The APA specifically should not promote current social norms or values as a basis for clinical judgments.”

To sign, go to: www.thepetitionsite.com/1/DSMrevisionpetition
(You can make your signature anonymous on this secure petition site so it doesn’t appear on the Internet)

To find out more about the DSM and the Paraphilias section, read the NCSF & ITCR: The Foundation for NCSF’s “White Paper on the DSM Revision” at www.ncsfreedom.org

For more information, email: DSMrevisionpetition@yahoo.com

Please distribute to organizations and individuals and ask them to sign on!

sufferintillsufferage

Why Women Should Vote

Claim: Article relates the plight of suffragists who were arrested for picketing the White House in 1917.

Status: True.

Example: [Collected on the Internet, August 2008]

WHY WOMEN SHOULD VOTE

This is the story of our Grandmothers and Great-grandmothers; they lived only 90 years ago.

Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.

The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketing the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote.

And by the end of the night, they were barely alive. Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden’s blessing went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of ‘obstructing sidewalk traffic.’

They beat Lucy Burns, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air.

They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate,
Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.

Thus unfolded the ‘Night of Terror’ on Nov. 15, 1917, when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson’s White House for the right to vote.

For weeks, the women’s only water came from an open pail. Their food — all of it colorless slop — was infested with worms.

When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

So, refresh my memory. Some women won’t vote this year because — why, exactly? We have carpool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn’t matter? It’s raining?

Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO’s new movie ‘Iron Jawed Angels.’ It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so that I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder.

All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote. Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege. Sometimes it was inconvenient.

My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women’s history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She was **** with herself. ‘One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,’ she said. ‘What would those women think of the way I use, or don’t use, my right to vote? All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn.’ The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her ‘all over again.’

HBO released the movie on video and DVD . I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum I want it shown on Bunco night, too, and anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn’t our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.

It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and brave. That didn’t make her crazy.

The doctor admonished the men: ‘Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.’

Please, if you are so inclined, pass this on to all the women you know.

We need to get out and vote and use this right that was fought so hard for by these very courageous women. Whether you vote democratic, republican or independent party – remember to vote.

History is being made.

Additional information:
Tactics and Techniques of the National Woman’s Party Suffrage Campaign Tactics and Techniques of the National Woman’s Party Suffrage Campaign
(Library of Congress)
Last updated: 6 September 2008

The URL for this page is http://www.snopes.com/politics/ballot/womenvote.asp

Urban Legends Reference Pages © 1995-2008 by snopes.com.
This material may not be reproduced without permission.
snopes and the snopes.com logo are registered service marks of snopes.com.
Sources Sources:

Adams, Katherine H. and Michael L. Keene. Alice Paul and the American Suffrage Campaign.
University of Illinois Press, 2007. ISBN 0-252-07471-8.

Lunardini, Christine A. From Equal Suffrage to Equal Rights: Alice Paul and the National Woman’s Party, 1910-1928.
New York University Press, 1986. ISBN 0-595-00055-X (pp. 104-122).

Stevens, Doris. Jailed for Freedom: American Women Win the Vote.
Troutdale, OR: NewSage Press, 1995. ISBN 0-939-16525-2.

[From snopes.com: Why Women Should Vote]

(This article was written just six months into my exploration of BDSM, I still feel the relevance of it today.)

I was reading today on aspects of shame and humiliation, and their place in BDSM play and D/s relationships in particular.

I would have told you 6 months ago that humiliation didn’t interest me, that I was sceptical that it had its place in ‘healthy BDSM’.

Of course one of the fastest discoveries you make when you begin to explore BDSM is that so much of what you thought to be true before, has little or no base in reality. You have to be prepared to be humbled unless you’re smart enough to keep your opinions to yourself until you’ve actually learned something.

My first Dom simply looked at me with an indulgent look whenever I said: “I know I wouldn’t like that” or “I know I’ll never want to try that”…

Humiliation was one of those things. Or, as I’ve seen it more accurately labelled ‘erotic humiliation’.

I couldn’t imagine letting someone call me slut, making me admit that they could do anything they wanted to me and I wouldn’t stop them, or any of those other delicious things that I now recognize as being more than simply spice added to the play.

I had a sense of BDSM as a sensual experience. I was probably born with some inborn instinct that drew me towards it…BUT…I had NO concept of the emotional/mental aspects involved. Didn’t know what dominance and submission really was. I knew I’d always fantasized about being restrained. I’ve been obsessed with chains and blindfolds since before I can even remember. Sensation play was something I had no doubt I’d enjoy. Even to be teased about needing a spanking gave me the most delicious shivers, although I never let on.

What I was not prepared for was the mind-trip of D/s; the emotional power of it.

Why is it that being called a slut, being called ‘greedy and shameless’, become such turn-ons when we spend our whole lives as women trying NOT to get those labels?

Why is that the idea of being nothing more than a sex toy for your dominant’s pleasure is so fulfilling, so evocative?

I’ve thought about this a lot because I’m not the kind of person who can just accept things. I have to KNOW why they are the way they are. (A mind that never shuts up can be a curse. ::laughing::)

The only answer I have is that deep inside us we all recognize this drive to be the animals we really are. We tame it, hide it, deny it…We do anything but acknowledge it. And even more importantly we try hard never to let anyone else know it’s there; even though it should occur to us that they have it, too.

Humans are not very bright about these things.

The hardest challenge we face in relationships is that of being ‘known’. It scares the hell out of us to let someone see all of us. All of the stuff society says is bad. All of the stuff we think everyone else doesn’t have.

The aggressiveness of BDSM, the mind-trips of D/s, the pain and humiliation of it all, seem to me to be the way we acknowledge that animal side of ourselves. In BDSM we are allowed to reveal that greedy, slutty, violent, animalistic self.

Encouraged to.

Forced to.

And then we are praised and loved and comforted and thanked by our partner for doing so. We are reassured that not only are they not going to run from us, but that they are proud of our bravery and strength in setting the animal free. They are grateful that we did every ‘nasty’ delicious thing we did. This works on both sides.

We talk so much about trust in BDSM. About how much we must trust our partners with our very lives. And to be honest, this has not been the hardest thing for me so far in my journey. I have an inherent belief in the goodness of people, and in my own ability to put myself in safe situations, and avoid dangerous ones.

No, allowing someone to tie me up hasn’t been my biggest challenge.

The trust that is harder to give, the trust that we don’t talk so much about is the trust we place in our partner when we give them our inner selves, when we lay naked our fantasies and our needs.

When we do so, and our partner not only accepts them but joins us in making those fantasies come true, in fulfilling those needs…that’s when we are truly liberated by BDSM.

But, what does this have to do with humiliation?

Well, as a sub, it seems to me that first we have to break through the pride and fear that keeps us from baring ourselves.

Kneeling, begging, and acknowledging that I am a possession and no more…these things frighten me beyond belief. But now I know how these moments will act to truly free me to enter into a deeper more secure relationship than I have ever thought I could be capable of.

It’ll take time. It’ll take the love of a wise and caring dominant to work patiently through my resistance, to rip it from me when the time is right.

Scary? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Rewarding?

Hell, yes.

To me it seems like a rite of passage. Like getting my ears pierced at 16. Like my tattoos. I knew they were going to hurt. I dreaded them. I looked forward to them.

I was forever changed by them.

And that…THAT is what life is about.

Cinful