Kinky Sex Link

When you start talking poly and kink, often the realization is: ‘umm hey, this particular issue is applicable to all dynamics and relationships, not just poly or kink ones’. Things like transparency, communication, self identified needs, etc.. Lots of things that we have actually been dealing with for years and years start to take on names and shapes and forms once the self exploration that often accompanies a kinky or poly journey begins.

One of the main ones that has become a recurrent theme in my life over the past few years is what I have not so cleverly titled ‘The Special Thing.’ It’s one I have really struggled with. At first I refused to acknowledge it  existed,  I fought that it could be a component that would be in the makeup of the person I want to be. After a while I gave it a name and admitted that yes indeed, this was ‘a deal’ for me. Next I processed (and am still prcessing) through it: what is it? why is it there? why does it feel so icky? why does it bother me? should I do something about it? What can I do about it?

And that’s about where I am now. I have sat on this post for well over a year trying to make some sense of it for myself. Of course, like so much else once I started talking about it to a few trusted friends I quickly realized that yet again I am not a unique snowflake and many people wrestle with this. I am nowhere near conquering this one, but I think I have gained a few insights into it and maybe those will ring the ‘aha!’ bell for someone else as well.

So, the basics (from my own experiences as well as examples from others I have talked with, your experience may look very similar or all together different):

What is it? I call it ‘The Special Thing’, as in ‘I need to feel special’. As in ‘I am very cool with you having other loves, partners, friends, pets, etc.., just please before we start with the rundown on why everyone else in your life is uber amazing so I can share that with you and be happy for you, please take a second to let me know you think I am pretty snazzy too.’ It took me well over 18 months just to be able to define it as I just did.

Some context may help (not all of these examples are mine, but I aint naming names either)

Ex A: After talking with a play partner for a few weeks I asked a simple question. I knew they were poly, living in a triad and had other partners as well. I actually found that to be a part of the attraction. But, trying to get into the proper headspace (for sceneing and general chat type purposes) I asked ‘So.. how many people do you actually play with in a year?’ The reply was ‘oh, 2 or 3? Not many…’ Then I found out through our oh so small community that the numbers were actually in the dozens and bordering on triple digits. Being one of three has a different feel that being one of dozens. Both are totally legit and neither is better or worse, but it does throw you into a totally different perspective when examining the dynamic. I just wanted the info so I could plug it into my CPU. The data either way would have fit, just in different ways. So I wasnt special enough to even be told the truth.The lying along with the actual difference in the truth in advertising effectively kiboshed the whole thing for me.

Ex B: After setting up a potential play date for an event, the very next message was ‘oh, and hey, could you get lilmisssexy to play with the the next night?’ Kay.. So one of three things are happening here: 1) I am good enough to have one scene with, but not 2? or 2) You are placating me with a scene to butter me up so I will get you a date? or 3) You want me to play pimp for you? Now the reasonable part of me says ‘its none of those, this person simply wanted a variety of play and hoped you would help them out’. Which sounds innocent enough? But the truth is, it hurt. It felt like I was good enough to be a notch on a bedpost and nothing more. There was nothing ‘special enough’ about me to hold any interest beyond a 45 minute scene. And all it would have taken is a simple ‘I do want to play with you because (fill in the blank)’ and then I would have had no problem talking to my friend sexysub so they both could have had a good scene. But it didnt go down that way and neither scene ever happened. Call me selfish or unenlightened if you will, but my feelings were hurt and I had not yet figured out why.

Ex C: ‘Ahh yeah sorry I forgot about our scene we had planned for months, but see I had this thing going with this other girl for a while and I just lost track’. If that aint an ego crusher I dont know what is.

Ex D: Out of town on business and texting with a potential new person. First text when I wake up in the morning is ‘oh wish I was there with you, we could have had alot of fun with this hot little number I know in that city’. Ok yes, it does sound like it could be a fun time.. but with no ‘hello, how are you, I dig you because X, nada… ‘ it felt like I was once again the instrument of facilitation of someone else’s  good time and not good enough to deserve one of my own.

Why is it there? Well here is where it becomes very personalized. For me, after lo these many many MANY hours of soul searching I have found that for me it comes from years of being second best in some respects. I was always pretty, but not THE pretty one. I was always well liked, but not THE one. I was always on the cusp of being something special in someone else’s eyes, but only until they saw that glint of shiny coming from the corner. My sister was the pretty one, a few of my friends in high school got the guys I wanted after I spent months flirting with them and establishing a connection but they would just fuck them. That kind of thing. I was never the one actively chosen over anyone else. My dad was always very quick to point out why I would never be what I wanted to be. So in a word: external validation is my problem.

Why does it feel so icky? Again, this is just MY history. It feels icky because it feels like I am never good enough, pretty enough, enough enough. And it feels like no amount of effort or time can make it be any other way. So it feels like I suck and there is nothing I can do about it.

(the emo stuff ends soon, i promise, bear with me here!)

Why does it bother me? Clearly because I have had no real working system of validating my own self worth. Who cares what they think? Do I measure up to what I want myself to be? Then THAT should be where I get my sense of self from. But that system by which I value myself is in its infancy and very fragile, so the external stuff is what hits me fastest and hardest. Like a sucker punch to my ego’s solar plexus. Its getting stronger day by day, but until the internal is stronger and faster than the external, these examples I gave will continue to knock the wind out of me. Its getting there, but it takes a looong time to deprogram three and half decades of a way of seeing yourself.

Should I do something about it? only if I want to stop feeling punched in the gut. Which I do.. so there is definite work to be done to ‘be that change I want to see’

What can I do about it? Now here comes the good part. I can do alot. Take the above examples. NOW, I could say the following (obviously I couldnt then because I couldnt even define it much less forge the tool I’d need to address it properly.’ Here is what I would say now:

Ex A: I have heard a few things that contradict your answers to me, I’d appreciate you giving me some more information on this issue and then I can better decide if I fit into your life right now in a way that’s mutually beneficial.

Ex B: I felt a bit inferior when you asked me to find you another date. I realize I am by far not your only play partner and I have no issues with that, but I dont enjoy feeling like something you may be settling for. I think we should talk some more about what was said and what was actually meant by those words and then see if the warm fuzzies are still there that would allow for a good scene. I want to feel special in a scene and if that isnt something thats going to happen then I’d prefer to just be friends for the night and not complicate things with a scene that may leave me feeling lacking.

Ex C: I understand you had some NRE going on and thats always a good feeling. But thats no excuse for simply blowing somone off. That was hurtful and insensitive and I’ll not be playing with anyone who values my time and feelings so little.

Ex D: You know, that DOES sound hot, but I prefer to not facilitate anyone getting the scene I want until I do get my scene. I have needs and desires and once those are met I would really enjoy exploring more things with more people with you, but I need to know I am special enough to you for you to want to play with me on or own before I can add another person.

In NONE of these scenarios was the issue that I would not be the only person in another’s life. I have lots of partners and they all do as well. I identify as poly so this is the realm I choose and prefer to move in.  The NUMBERS are not the issue, the people the numbers represent are not the problem. The problem lies in presenting the information in such a way as to value one almost to the exclusion of the other.

And really, the heart of it lies in how I value myself. How do I see myself as special? In what ways do I value me? Well, I want to  have things said to me that leave me feeling attractive and wanted. I deserve to have the dates I set up seen through or cancelled in a way that does not feel like a brush off. I want to be flirted with and complimented in a genuine way and not only to gain favor of some kind. that type of thing.

And the real trick: how can I get across that I want to be with people who share those values and self images and can express them back to me in a way that now ‘REINFORCES’ my value rather than defining it for me?  I now know my value (or at least an eensy part of it), I have defined it for myself in a way I am pleased with and prefer to have that reinforced rather than glossed over or ignored entirely.  How to do that without sounding like an arrogant, demanding bitch can be tricky.

Here are a few tricks I have learned, some work better than others and some may be taken out of the toolbox soon (and it should be said not all of these work for every situation):

1. Dont answer right away. Take your time. You dont owe anyone a rapidfire response.
2. Be gracious first. Try and get clarification on what was said and what was meant.
3. Be gentle but firm in letting others know that they way they have spoken to you is perhaps less than flattering to you.
4. If they apologize sincerely, accept it on face value and be hopeful that particular scenario will most likely never occur again.
5. Breezy jokes that address the issue but without saying ‘we must sit and process this out immediately’ are often effective
6. Stand your ground and dont forget that you are special in your own eyes. Bring the conversation around to your own strengths without belittling anyone else or sounding arrogant.
7. Know when to cut your losses. If a person persists in conversational or behavioral style that you have communicated that you find unpleasing, dont be afraid to say ‘yanno, this isnt working for me’ and move on to the folks who do talk and behave more in the style that adds to your life in a positive fashion.
8. Try and step back and take yourself out of it all. Perhaps events in that person’s life are making them more apt to say and do things they wouldnt normally do under less stressful circumstances.
9. Dont make a decision about a person based on one interaction. Once could be a fluke for any number of reasons. A pattern of unpleasantness is where you need to make some choices.
10. MOST IMPORTANT – be ok by yourself. find and do things that you do for the joy of it alone. be ok staying in with a good book. take long walks to places YOU want to be. do things that make you happy whether others join you or not in equal fashion.

So in reality ‘The Special Thing’ isnt as easily fixed as it may seem. For months I wanted to scream ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? CANT THEY JUST SAY NICE THINGS? IS IT SO DIFFICULT OR AM I SO LACKING IN SOME WAY AS TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD AN IMPOSSIBILITY?’ In some cases yes.. some people are just asshats. But for the majority of the situations the answer lies in some good ole fashioned self exploration, perspective shifting and boundary setting.

Afterall, if I dont think I am special, why should anyone else? Now to be able to say that without sounding like a Hollywood starlet with a reality show cramming how awesome she is down the collective throat of the  viewing audience. Thats my next challenge. But. its a process, rife with lots of journeys and very few destinations. I’ll get to where the universe thinks I need to be eventually. In the meantime, I’m learning. And its helping me deal with lots of things in life, not just play dates and multiple partners.

~kim

Kink In Motion

So actor/rabblerouser Nicholas Cage will only eat animals that have, in his opinion, “dignified” sex. He won’t eat pork because he doesn’t like the way pigs do The Nasty. Instead, he munches on chicken and fish. I don’t know whether he’s serious or if he’s pulling reporter’s legs but I thought it would be fun to write about animals sex lives anyway.

I can’t speak for chickens, but ever see how fish get it on? The female lays her eggs and then the male shoots his sperm into the water, fertilizing the eggs. So when it’s spawning season water is chock full of clouds of sperm. I suppose that could be considered dignified.

I bet Nick Cage won’t eat a preying mantis. Females eat males after they copulate but only if they are hungry. We had preying mantids in our leafy canopy at our old house in Maryland. I remember the female and the smaller male. One day, I noticed that the male was missing his head! Holy shit, they must have copulated and she ate him! It was the creepiest thing to see since the male wasn’t dead yet. It wandered around the canopy missing its head. Took the sucker five days to die. I hope I never see a preying mantis ever again.

I bet Nick Cage won’t eat dog, considering that there is now a sex toy for dogs called Hotdoll. The picture below doesn’t look particularly dignified to me.

Here are some strange animal sex habits. I doubt any of these critters will end up on Nick Cage’s dinner plate.

Honey bees: The male’s genitals pop off and get caught inside the Queen when mating. The snapped off penis acts as a plug, preventing other males from copulating with Her Highness. I guess this means Nick Cage won’t put honey in his tea, unless he finds losing the Crown Jewels to be dignified.

Bonobos: Bonobos use sex for EVERYTHING! They “use sex as greetings, a mean of solving disputes, making up for fights, and as a favors in exchange for food. They tongue kiss, engage in oral sex, mutual masturbations, have face-to-face genital sex and even have a strange “penis fencing” ritual!”

Red-Sided Garter Snake: One female emerges from hibernation. She releases a pheromone that drives male red-sided garter snakes into an erotic frenzy. Then… ORGY!!! Bonus points – male red-sided garter snakes have two penises. I hear snake tastes like chicken so maybe eating snake isn’t much of a stretch for Nick Cage.

Dolphins: Male dolphins have retractable penises. And they’re prehensile. They even swivel! I hope Nick Cage eats dolphin-safe tuna.

Anyway, there are many more bizarre examples of animal sex at that link so head on over and get an education. Some of these animals do things that sound like something you see in a science fiction movie.

From PamperedPenny.com.

There are so few ABDL blogs out there and the few that are even started seem to disappear after a while. In fact, I only see one–besides mine–which has been going for any length of time and that’s IHeartDiapers.com. I’m always looking for age play blogs to read, but they never seem to last, so I thought I’d actually say something.

Age players and diaper fetishists, the internet needs you!

Here’s your chance to change the world for the better and expose more people to the fun and exciting world of ABDL.

Why is an online blog the best answer?

1. It is accessible to many people. To give your blog maximum exposure, don’t host it on a private site like Diaper Space. Put it up on LiveJournal.com, Blogger.com, WordPress.com, or another mainstream blog site.

2. Express yourself fully to avoid misconceptions. Often when people come across the world of ABDL by accident, they only see snippets of what is going on and form inaccurate, unflattering opinions. A blog is a place where you can go into detail. More information is always better!

3.  Meet new friends. By talking about youself as well as just diapers, you’ll meet friends who know you better and can connect with you on multiple levels. No more separate slots for friends who are into diapers and friends who are into soccer or anime or whateer. Also, it helps turn you into a real person for those who think ABDLs are all gross weirdos. Need another reason? There are so many ABDL guys out there looking for that special someone who is open to the diaper thing, but then they only offer very limited information. A blog will get potential dates interested in you for reasons other than diapers.

I’d really like to see people creating little blogging communities out in the open. Yes, there are MySpace clones where people sporadically post poorly written, detached blogs about single diapered adventures, but I’d really like to see more ABDL blog personalities out there, and not just the young girls who seem to get overwhelmed by all the attention and quit, but all kinds of people. Wouldn’t it be great?

Would you tackle a rape fantasy in one of your stories? How about an adult male having forced sex with a teenaged girl? Those are two story lines I’ve run across over the past month, which made me think about exactly where erotica and erotic romance writing is going. I personally am not turned on by the extremes in the genres that I enjoy so much. Also, since I used to work in family law and child welfare as an activist and political writer, nothing nauseates me more than child rape, paedophilia, and incest. So any story that smacks of paedophilia will get a quick Red Light from me. Those kinds of stories appeal too much to the sickos out there who refer to people who try to help abused children as “child savers” who don’t “understand” the difference between love and abuse. Makes me want to puke.

I have been given a reviewer’s copy of the book “Wetlands”, which has been a sensation in Europe, and is now released in the U. S. Whilst it is hailed as a sensation by some reviewers, others have called is poorly disguised porn. It’s a very frank discussion of a young woman who is initially hospitalized after a pubic shaving accident, and it’s supposed to be a quite sexually graphic depiction of her life. No problem there. That’s why I requested it. Once I read it, I’ll add my own thoughts. I like reading very sexually graphic books because they’re entertaining and I often learn something very revealing about myself and about society in general from them. How we react to graphic sex tells us a lot about ourselves. This kind of graphic sex seems to me to be different from the taboo sex I talked about at the beginning of this post, though, but the reactions are very educational.

I publisher I won’t named recently has been criticized for publishing these kinds of taboo stories. One web site that published such a story without knowing what it was getting itself into had removed the post, and the author complained about censorship. At least the author was given the right to voice an opinion about the matter. Lots of authors aren’t given that much. Another incident involved the aforementioned publisher that had been the subject of complaints because of the taboo subject matter behind some of the stories it had published. Why this publisher was under the gun made me wonder, since other publishers and books with similar subject matter had not received complaints, so I don’t know what the big deal was.

The main point here is how much is too much? I remember a writer saying that a few years ago you wouldn’t have read an anal sex scene in a story. I’m not sure how accurate that was, but I understood the point. These days, anal sex scenes are commonplace. Menage wasn’t also as popular years ago as it is now. It’s actually growing into a rather hot genre. I really don’t see a problem with any sex act as long as it is between consenting adults. As I said, the only ones I have problems with are child rape, incest, and paedophilia. I really don’t have a problem with forced rape fantasies because I understand the difference between actual rape and the rape fantasy.

I’m working on a novella called “Dangerous Curves” that is a sexually candid journey of a young woman’s sexual exploits during the Big Hair 1980s in the U. S. She is a sexually free spirit who does not want to be tied down, and the men around her aren’t used to seeing a woman like that. While they enjoy her body, they want to keep her for themselves, and at the same time they expect to be allowed to play the field. The book explores the double standards about men’s and women’s sexual explorations, thoughts about virginity, playing the field, infidelity, power plays in sexuality, older men/younger women, cougars, and sexual independence. I hope to have the book finished by the end of spring, and by then I will submit it to publishers. This book is very sexually graphic, and it is not a romance. Is sex for sex’s sake too much, especially if the character enjoying sexuality without romance is a woman?

How far have you gone in your stories? What have you read that you thought was over the line? Have you ever received complaints that any of your stories have crossed the line? Are some sexually graphic stories really meant to shock rather than to make the audience think? What do you think?

x-posted from Mystress Lady Evyl

I am a huge fan of the movie Capote. It is a superb film. It shows us the time Truman Capote, a journalist, spent in Kansas learning about the mass murder of a family back in 1959. From it he wrote the book In Cold Blood. This book is considered the originator of the non-fiction novel. So after seeing this movie again recently I decided to get the book. I am presently reading it (read it, its fabulous).

Now why am I writing about it here? Well a part I read today really struck a cord in reference to my previous blog about disappointing sub applicants. This part of the book is a letter Perry’s (one of the murderers) sister wrote to him while he was in jail for other charges a year prior to the slaying of the Clutter family. Here are the exerts that hit me:

“What you have done, whether right or wrong, is your own doing. From what I personally know, you have lived your life exactly as you pleased without regard to circumstances or persons who loved you—who might be hurt.

…you don’t show me any signs of SINCERE regret and seem to show no respect for any laws, people or anything. Your letter implies that the blame of all your problems is that of someone else, but never you.
You are a human being with a free will. Which puts you above the animal level. But if you live your life without feeling and compassion for your fellow-man—you are as an animal—….”

Wow, I LOVE that last part. I can imagine what is going through your head, you the reader. What is she talking about? What kind of a Domme is she? Don’t judge, you don’t know the whole situation. And it is something I am working on nipping it in the bub.

I am however willing to bet 90% of the Dom/mes that read this can think of at least one sub that fits that bill, or it resonates a familiar feeling. Bare with me, I am ending my mental-work-through of this part of my life. I am always depressing in November lol.

Mystress Lady Evyl

P.S. Let me note here in no way am I saying bad subs have any murdering tendencies.

I had an interesting yet frustrating conversation with someone who questioned why I call myself submissive and not a slave.

For those of you that don’t know, there always seems to be a big argument in the BDSM community over who should call themselves submissive and who should call themselves a slave. Frankly I stopped giving a shit what people call themselves long ago.

The conversation went something like this:

Dominant guy: God… you should use the slave title. You are obviously looking for a service oriented position to where the Dominant in return gives you structure and stability. The only worry that you SHOULD have is serving your Master.

Me: Most Dommes seem to want a submissive in the bedroom but a vanilla guy outside of it.

Dominant guy: Stay away from the submissive title. It scares Masters like me away. Haha

Thankfully I’m not interested in a dominant guy so it really doesn’t matter if it scares away masters (lowercase on purpose) like him. It’s funny how that works though, dominant guys seem to be more interested in D/s than dominant women. I’ve been to a number of D/s oriented events, the last one I went to had maybe 50 gay couples, 50 Dominant male/submissive female couples, a few lesbian couples and two dominant women/male submissive couples.

Many dominant women have expressed to me their desires for a “submissive sometimes in the bedroom but my equal outside of it”. That’s the reason I shy away from calling myself a slave. It scares women off. Not only that, since I’ve pretty much given up on finding anything other than casual play, more and more women seem comfortable with someone who just submits to them in the bedroom. I’m all for that. Sure there’s a part of me that craves D/s, but the part of me that is dying to try out new things in the realm of BDSM overrides the part of me that needs D/s.

I’d rather be a submissive with a chance of getting fucked and toyed with than a slave who’s got no chance in hell.

I’m even cautious about mentioning my interests in D/s when someone asks me what I’m into since that’s enough to scare some off. I should maybe only qualify it by saying “look, someday, if I met someone who wanted to own me outside the bedroom, then great, Right now I’m only looking for casual play”.

Here’s another example from someone after she discovered D/s was something I enjoy:

“Yikes, are you someone that lives the lifestyle 24/7? Im not really down with that. I love sex with down right perversion, but Im not looking to own anyone…thats too heavy for me.”

It took me a while to convince her that I was perfectly happy just having sex with perversion but my interests in D/s may have cost me a one night stand with someone who enjoys things I’m dying to try.

So maybe I am a slave if that’s someone who enjoys D/s outside the bedroom. If that scares you away then I’m submissive. If that scares you away then I’m just kinky. If that scares you away then I’m just jerking off at home.