Kinky Sex Link

Challenges make life interesting, however, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. – Mark Twain

Life has taken some unanticipated and less than desired turns as of late. There has been heartbreak and revelation, tears and trying moments, pity parties and plain ole bad days. But there’s also been processing and introspection, with a focus on how to do it better next time.

BDSM as a mechanism for personal growth never ceases to amaze me. Didn’t we get into this thing for the sex and the rush? For lots, yep.. that’s why we started. But for many of us it was just a springboard to looking deeper within ourselves to begin defining who we are, what we want, and other such things. Come for the sex, stay for the growth.

I thought I knew what  wanted from a submissive, from a partner. Things like control, power, structure, protocol, etc. Those things are still there. But recent developments have made me sit back and wonder, ‘What was missing? Why did things fall apart? What is it I wanted and didn’t know I wanted? What name does it bear?’

The answer came to me much more quickly than I would have expected: Devotion.

Forgetting the religious aspects of the word, the devotion I speak of here is defined as:

Yep, that’s it all right.

For me, this was one of those elementary, foundational ‘this is just how you do it’ kind of things. I assumed anyone who identified as submissive intrinsically felt this, simply because that’s always how I’d viewed it. It’s like teaching someone to wash their hands, you don’t always think to include telling them ‘now use soap..’ because it seems so obvious to you. But again with that self growth thing.. and a big part of that in BDSM and poly dynamics is realizing that we each bring our own histories and thoughts to an experience. Often this means words and concepts do not always mean the same to people as they do to you.

So we have the textbook definition of devotion, now what does that look like in real time and in relation to submission?  Here is a part of what it looks like to me:

• To want and desire with a full heart
• To set apart and above all things when practical
• To view or be viewed as special
• To think of that person and their needs and wants before your own a majority of the time and with consistency
• To act in an anticipatory manner so that the needs and wants of the person are met before a request is needed
• To look upon or be looked upon with eyes that are longing and eager to please
• To think of the self last
• To sacrifice personal comfort or wants for the other
• To be dedicated to making sure the other’s needs and desires are met
• To do all that is asked with sincerity and depth
• To perform with grace and enthusiasm for the greater cause
• To be transparent in communication and relaying emotional information
• To place one’s own well being and comfort in the hands of another after great thought and great trust with abandon
• Surrender of one’s will

There are others of course.. but the overall theme here is clear: to place another above yourself from a place of a desire.

Lest it seem I am asking for the moon, I am not unreasonable or entertaining visions of a god complex. If there are practical things like jobs, livelihoods, children, families, primary partners, emergencies, etc.. to be tended to then those should be seen to. But when at all possible, which actually is a goodly portion of the time; I want to be wanted, actively seeken out, to be served with enthusiasm, to have control freely given to me, to have someone be grateful for the effort I expend on them and return it in kind and more. I want someone who is devoted to me and my best interest.

This is how I have always approached a D/s dynamic as a submissive. I thought everyone did it the same way in this regard. Clearly, I needed to define it more. This is how I serve my Dominant. As a Dominant, this is how I want a submissive to serve me. Now that I have a more specific definition of it, I’ll be able to communicate this from the beginning for my next interaction.

New mistakes will be made in any future dynamic I enter into to be sure, but this one will be more easily intergrated I hope.

~kim

Kink In Motion

The internet has a zillion and four different ‘resources’ for those looking to explore BDSM. But it seems everytime I go looking for information, inspiration, or illumination I seem to run into the same conumdrum over and over:

Of those zillion and four resources, a good 90%  of those resources have to do with submission.

Bare in mind that 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Meaning that obviously this is just my subjective view. But it does seem that there are very few resources, or at least few of them that are easily accessible, that are geared toward Dominance and even fewer that are geared toward switching.

Be the change you want to see and all.

I am a self identified switch. I live 24/7 with my male Dominant partner and primary SO. I am the owner of male submissive in a power exchange relationship. We are all some variation of poly and kinky. I am also bisexual. I top any number of folks regardless of gender. I bottom to others based on interpersonal dynamics, again without gender being a factor. I give workshops and lectures on switching.. so in as much as there is such a thing as ‘qualifications’ when it comes to writing about BDSM topics, I can speak to switching pretty readily.

Below is the basic outline in Q&A style of my Switching Roundtable Workshop. It’s by no means comprehensive, but a decent jumping off point for issues some switches may encounter:

• What is a switch/ your definition of a switch? At its most basic level, a switch is simply someone who enjoys both topping and bottoming, both giving and receiving sensation and/or both weilding control or being controlled within a consentual and negotiated scene and/or power exchange. The roles may or may not be static within each partnership, scene, relationship, etc.
• Do you think you have to bottom  50% of the time and top 50% of the time to beconsidered a ‘true’ switch? Absolutely not. I know people who switch mid scene and back again, people who are Dominant 99% of the time and only bottom once in a blue moon or vice versa, and people who bottom only for certain activities and top only for others. It’s all very fluid and each one is just as much of a switch as the other. Self identifying as a switch is a personal choice and should be taken at face value when the label is applied.
  
• Is there such a thing as a ‘true’ switch? In my esitmation there is no such thing as a ‘true’ (meaning all encompassing or ‘total’ or ‘natural’ or other terms which get thrown about with irritating regularity) anything in this lifestyle. Its all fluid, organic and ever evolving on every level. If a person likes being on top sometimes and on bottom others, then the role of switch seems applicable.
• Do you feel a sense of ownership with the word ’switch’ itself (like some Masters, slaves, etc.. seem to do). This is my favorite question on this list. You see alot of arguments & debates over what constitutes a submisisive vs slave vs bottom, or a top vs a Dominant vs a Master.. but you never really see the same level of ownership or ‘fight to protect the word’ mentality over the term switch. Maybe its because as switches we engage in both of the aforementioned debates? Or because the headspace is specific to each interaction? I’m not sure. But, no.. I personally dont have a stake in the ‘ownership’ of the word switch. But then again I dont beleive in telling anyone esle how they should view anything in this lifestyle. I know what it means to me (see above definition) and I am happy to share that,but I am also happy to have that information integrated as each person sees fit as best for them. And here is where the inflammatory part comes in: I do, by and large find that alot of switches share this view and I do think its because of our switchy nature that we are sometimes more inclined towards not having hard and fast rules in alot of areas that other BDSM self identity lables have.
• What is your opinion of those who only apply the label of ’switch’ to themselves soley to ‘fit in’ with a particular group or to catch the eye of a particular partner? This was a new issue that cropped up this year. Seems there was a growing contingent of folks who would purposely call themselves switches not because of their preferred manner of play or power exchange, but rather to not limit partners. As in ‘ooh I like Bobby and he’s Dominant so I wont let him know I really like to beat up boys, so I’ll just call myself a switch and be vague about it and he’ll never know and maybe he will hook up with me’. Like I said, I dont really feel entitled to determine who can and cannot call themselves a switch, but I am never a fan of behavior that is unfair, untrue, manipulative or herd like. So if your motivation for labeling yourself as a switch is simply to ‘fit in’ with a person or person and deny your own self and desires.. well that’s never a formula for successful self exploration and it will always come back to haunt you in some way.
• Do you have different aspects of yourself manifest depending on what you are doing in a particular scene? (different names, styles of dress, mannerisms, etc…) This one is highly personal and invidual and changes from person to person. So I’ll speak for myself. I feel much more toppy in leather pants than i do in frilly skirts. I know its a product of gender roles in my upbringing, but its there. I enjoy playing with it and pushing those imprints, but they do exist for me. In scene I call my Dominant ‘Sir’, at home its ’sweetie’ or his given name. My submissive refers to me as ‘My Lady’, my Dominant calls me ‘mia’ or ‘mine’. I try to say please and thank you no matter what the occassion, but the tone is slightly more montone or matter of fact when addressing my pet. I get the door for my Dominant and expect my sub to do the same for me (which can be quite amsuing when we are all three out together). In short, yes.. different mannerisms and speech do change depending on the interaction. And this is where switches really shine: no matter what the role and how it manifests, each bit is 100% ME.
• If you have a committed partner,do you have problems watching them switch roles (if applicable)? Do they have issues seeing you in different headspaces? Why or why not? My Dominant was a switch when we got together. Since then, he now identifies solely as Dominant. I have always told him should he feel the need to bottom he certainly can do so without needed input from me (which is kinda what Dominant means!) but that I cant witness it. I am happy for him to engage in whatever he needs, but it would wreck my view of him as Dominant for me to have that visual in my head. I personally need my view of him to remain as all Dom all the time. I have no idea why that is but I know that it IS how it is for me.  Many MANY people are not like me. And this view of mine is only applicable to him. I see many folks switch all the time and never blink twice when they interact with me in either capacity. Now, my submissive is not at all like me. He has seen, sees me, bottom all the time and it in no way affects his view of me as his owner. Again, its a highly individual thing and each is as valid as the next.
• Do you find you are treated differently than others in the community who define themselves as top OR bottom? As if since you havent chosen ‘one’ you are disregarded partially or completely? If yes, whydo you think that is? I find that alot of folks in the scene just have no idea how to interact with switches. They seem to have very clearly delineated views on how to treat tops or bottoms, but they get twitchy when dealing with switches. Its easy to call Lord So and So ‘Sir’ at a munch, or to ask ’slave mary’ to get you a coffee.. but then someone like me walks up and its all fumbling over honorifics and the like. For a community that loves to cry out words like ‘etiquette’ and ‘protocol’ so many seem to forget the very basics. People are just that: people. And deserve to be treated as such. Until a negotiated power exchange is communicated in some way, just be polite and respectful. The rest flows from there. Of course there will always be those who dont believe switches ‘really exist’ and therefore generally behave less than politely as a result. But I generally have no desire to interact with someone who chooses to be so disrespectful and intolerant anyway, so its of little bother to simply ignore them.
• Do you find that the ‘community’ tends to place gender identification markers to tops & bottoms (ex:submissive = female) and how does it view those who do not fit into these models(male subs are less of a man? for example) Gender affects most every aspect of our society, BDSM is no different. I do think in some BDSM circles it is slightly more forward thinking, but not all. Its still pretty common to hear a femme top referred to as ‘butchy’ or ‘dyke-ish’ (terms I wear with all kinds of pride BTW, but this is meant to be taken in a derogatory way) or to hear a male bottom referred to as ’sissyish’ or ‘effeminate’. Any kind of ‘put down’ based on nothing more than gender is sure to irritate me. So as much as I wish our ‘community’ simply accepted people based on their non physical attributes, it isnt always that way. What can be done about it? Again, be the change you wish to see.. Start with yourself and do not attribute lables to people based on what is or isnt between their legs. I have a male Dominant AND a male submissive. Outside of those dynamics I play primarily (although not exclusively) with girls. I care about the connection between people based on personality and energy. The only time gender enters into it is when I need to know whether to break out the condoms or the dental dams.
• What is your response to the following statements:
  • There is no such thing as a switch – I stand before you, ergo, yes Virginia there is such a thing as a switch.
  • You just havent made up your mind yet – yes i have and my decision is that i have no desire to limit myself in any capacity
  • You just havent had the right Dom yet - I have and he is wonderful enough to see the benefit to us both in my exploring everything i can
• What is your favorite part about being a switch? The fact that I can be whatever I choose to be moment to moment. Some days I want to order people around, others I want to be catered to. Some days I feel like beating someone black and blue, others I need to hit subspace myself. I like that I can be fluid and open to whatever the universe sends my way.
• What is your least favorite part about being a switch? Changing up headspaces can be challenging, especially in a short timeframe. It can and is done, and often gracefully so. But as with anything of value, there are times when it is a struggle.

~kim

Kink In Motion

There are a few topics that seem to never get ‘resolved’ and thus are destined to forever be brought up over and over ad infinitum in BDSM theory. This is almost definitely a good thing. Its also most decidedly puzzling and complex, especially when one is trying to define themselves in the words of these discussions which are ever evolving. One of the ones that I don’t think willl ever cease to be discussed is that of what defines a submissive vs. what defines a slave?

I myself have puzzled over it time and time again. I WAS pretty comfy calling myself a submissive (in my bottomy headspace at least, as I am a switch). I had looked at all the ‘arguments’ and took stock in my own comfort levels in how the terms ‘fit’ me and came to the conclusion that sub was the best match for me. Many MANY people scoff at even that as I am fairly ‘not traditional subby material’,  outwardly at least. Behind closed doors is always a different matter. But this isnt about ‘them’, its about me and my search and journey through this vocabulary maze.

I attended a workshop on the matter at Unholy Harvest (which, btw, you should definitely check out next year!) this year where this topic was discussed. The topic came up AGAIN later that week in two different circles.In these conversations all my thinking was rather turned on its head. Prior to, I had placed myself firmly in the middle of the bottomy trifecta. Its not a competition, but so many view this whole thing rather like post graduate degrees:

• To be a bottom is to have your BA/BS
• To be a submissive is to have your Masters (oh the irony!)
• To be a slave is to have your PhD

(The view often is that a slave is ‘better’ than a sub because she is more devoted in some way. Its unspoken but palpable that slavery is the goal, submission is either posing or just a sto along the way to that goal. In short, submission is oft seen as inferior in some way.)

After the conference and following conversations, it seems ’slave’ may actually be a better fit.

Is this the result of the deepening of my submission? That after 3 years with my Dominant that only now my head space has fully embraced surrender? Not a chance. Not a darn thing has changed between he & I. All thats changed is my perspective on the other perspectives out there.

I googled sub vs slave and found 3 articles that sum up the basic arguments between all the debate. Please read them in their entirety if you wish but here I am only going to quote the parts that speak to what I have stated above so as to illustrate where I found the  points of interest that changed my perspective.

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(this is written as ‘here is what they said, how does that apply to how I self identify?’ this is not a judgement call on how anyone else views things nor is it an exhaustive list of arguments or the only way to define this stuff, just how I puzzle it out for myself)

• As a sub: ‘However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them’;’ you have more of an option to stop’; ‘Say you do the dishes and pay the bills, these things usually are still under your control’; ‘A submissive obeys and serves by choosing to do so each time and retains her will.  A slave initially makes a choice to obey her Master at all times and then submits to the will of her Master at all times.‘ – Ah the ‘brainwash’ argument. The theory goes that the slave is SO enslaved they cannot think in terms of ‘will i do this?’ and only do things on autopilot. I disagree. All the self identifying slaves that I know and respect all still make conscious decisions every day, they just always end up deciding to do what Master says because that is the life they choose. When you do the dishes, even if you ‘wouldnt think of NOT doing them’ its still you making your hands do the work. ergo: concious choice. I dont think any slave has ever woken up from some fog and said ‘awesome! those dishes got done!’. You know what are doing and WHY you are doing it, that isnt brainwashing.. its choice. And subs and slaves both do that. Verdict for me? nuetral
• ‘in a submissive role although you give up the control the power is really still 50/50 just in a different setting and under more intense circumstances‘ – First, I dont agree with this.. but for arguments sake:  I do feel a fair bit of control in my relationship but its because thats what makes his life easier and he ALWAYS has final say. That means I really have very little of the control, if any. Verdict for me? According to this, I’m a slave
• ‘Sex is usually a large part of this relationship and mostly where the submission enters in’ – well sex is a large part of ALOT of relationships, BDSM or not  so that isnt really an accurate qualifier. But alot do feel sex is the only place a submissive is submissive. Well, that aint the case here. Its more overt in our sex but its always there, 24/7. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Slaves usually are slaves 24/7. They may work but when they get home there is no distinction from normal day to a BDSM day, that person is always a slave from the day they ask for that.’ – Yup, that sounds like my life. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘A submissive accepts submission, while a slave accepts obedience’; ‘The submissive is a volunteer.The slave is not a volunteer.’ – Oh dear. If you submit to and carry out your Sir’s every order, you are obeying it. And we are talking BDSM slavery not actual ‘take you in the night and force you to work under pain of death’ type slavery here. We are all volunteers. Verdict for me? This one is a non issue completely. Nuetral
• ‘A submissive often has a list of conditions, rules, and limits that a Dominant is required to agree to before entering a session or relationship.‘ ‘Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena’s. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship.’ - Limits? you betcha. I do not want my arm getting hacked off with a chainsaw thank you very much. Conditions and rules? Not a chance. Verdict for me? Slave (because I firmly believe NOONE, slave or not, is cool with the chainsaw scenario. i dont care how hard core you think you are)
• ‘the Master may have total control, then once the period is over, control returns to the submissive.  The Master only borrows control of the submissive and to the extent the submissive wishes and she controls her submission.’ This, to me, is a bottom. Verdict? Nuetral
• ‘If the focus is on self then you are a submissive, if the focus is on your Master, then you are a slave.’ – I still think focus on self = bottom, focus on Master = sub or slave. But going by this then, verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Being a slave means you are willing to be molded to fit her Master’s needs and to serve him’.; ‘Her attention is on his happiness. A Master is responsible for the needs and happiness of a slave.  She gives him authority over her needs and happiness.  However, a slave is responsible to communicate those needs and feelings.  The limits of the Master become the limits of the slave.’ - Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Often a slave is given great responsibilities within the relationship. They are given a general framework of limits and direction and expected to act within them using their own resources and abilities.  A slave is often asked to express her thoughts on issues or problems, but realizes that the final decision is always her Master’s. The decision made by her Master becomes absolute for her.’ – Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘…the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts.’ – Nope, not me. When I do this I consider it bottoming, submission or slavery is not a part of it. Verdict for me? Slave

There is more, and I could go on and on. But this is really the way most of it seems to be going. Every single ‘hallmark of slavery’ (with the exception of no limits which I just personally do not believe exists for anyone) seems to be what I have been referring to as submission. So I should start calling myself a slave, yes?

Not really. The term slave, while now proven applicable, just doesnt seem to fit me. Its like that dress you see and try on and, yeah it fits, but not as well as you’d like. And as someone told me whilst giving me shopping advice one day, ‘if you dont love it, dont buy it.’ I dont love the term slave for me. So I’ll keep my submissive moniker.

And really, all of this is for naught. These terms are fluid, personal, individual and ever changing. So in the end its what feels right for each person and all the rhetoric and dogma surrounding it just doesnt matter. Be who you are and be happy in it. Let others be who they are and them be happy in that. Maybe your views dont totally line up but.. now here is the REAL kicker for slavery: If what you do and how you identify pleases your Dominant/Sir/Master/Owner/Mistress/etc.. that other person’s views have no bearing on your dynamic, so go engage in and enjoy that dynamic in your way.

As my wise friend giving the workshop so eloquently summed all this up:

‘I am begining to wonder if the red herring in all of it is trying to compare D/s and M/s and whether that just muddles the thoughts – where a comparison between power exchange and non power exchange might lead to more interesting analysis??
D/s and M/s are like crunchy versus smooth peanut butter they are much the same and hard to distinguish and yet….some how different to those that are questing for one specifically.’

Amen. I used to be a smooth kinda girl, these days its crunchy. Either way its yummy and I’ll take more please and thank you.

~kim

kink_in_motion

(my apologies for length, i cannot figure out how to cut these entries!)

X post from Mystress Lady Evyl

OMG….ok its hard I know for the sub/slave to contact a Mistress cause you never know how to go about it or how She will react…we are all different. BBBUUUUTTTTT don’t sound freaking desperate and mental. At some point get your head screwed on properly and stop sounding mental. Case in point see texts I got from someone applying…just his part. Even if I finally did see his pic (which was BAD) and he would have been the hottest dude on earth I would have been turned off. Let me mention at no time was I nice or encouraging…I was a bitch the whole way through (yeah I know more attractive to a sub) and never gave an inkling of wanting to meet him, EVER:

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I know…I know …I know you want a photo but the following lines may convince you to forgo this cobditionIt is not because i am ugly or anything (on the contrary, you will be surprised)… only i am new to this world…of domination that i am shy to send a photo However…pls pls pls…do not exclude this yet or hesitate to award one session as your slave…because you will probably miss the best opportunity ever to have such a faithful and submissive slave.hope this is enough to gain your trustonce you confirm that you agree with the above, i will do all the rest of what it takes to get my dream sessionthank youyour slave mysterious slave surprise slavefunny…very funny…slave

Friday, May 22, 2009 2:34 PM

i will be a regular because my fantasies are consistent, persistent, repetitive, and regular in nature. Pls let me be your slave…let me serve you..pls..pls…today Friday if possible

Friday, May 22, 2009 3:15 PM

on the contrary, my only and only need is to satisfy your needs…pls mistress do not exclude me…all what i need from you is some indication from on how to please you…pls give a chance and you will not be disappointed

Sunday, May 24, 2009 10:28 PM

Oh Mistress, i thought about you all this weekend…never left my mind…always thinking about ways to win your trust…to convince you i am the slave worth trying…try me once and own me forever…i do not know how to convince you…all what i can say is that i am sincere in my urge to serve you, to please you, to be your slave forever…hope to meet you soon…your faithful permanent slave

Monday, May 25, 2009 7:52 AM

Oh mistress
how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you……how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you……how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you…how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you……..how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve Please tell me and i will do anything you want…

*** WTF?

Monday, May 25, 2009 4:04 PM

As for the pic…it is really hard… i am not comfortable at all…i do not know if you even exist…it is all internet and email stuff at this point and you know how big is the net and how much it has unfounded content…..I am not being disobedient but i hope you undersatnd…if it may help, i am I…………………..

Voilà…on the other hand i understand your fears because you are inviting someone who you do not know … so may be a good compromise would be to meet in a restaurant. at that point when my eyes fall on you and your eyes fall on me, it is a matter of 25 seconds before trust starts to build up. At that point the sub becomes totally sub and devoted and time t=0 starts ticking and you can ask all you want …i will have a photo with me too…..i hope you understand…i just hope…really

Monday, May 25, 2009 4:10 PM

Mistress,
Ok your puppy is anxious and looking for your feet to get warmth and comfort…i am born to be always at your feet, my head on the floor serving as a foot rest for you. Pls mistress, i ask you, i beg you to give just one chance because i know for sure that once you try me you will say: ‘WOW this is exactly what i have been looking for’….pls mistress …pleasssssssssssssssssssssse

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 2:28 PM
Ok Ok fine here is my pic … like you said i have to earn it

*** At this point I have not answered because a) I was not home b) I am at work now. I get 2 more emails.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 5:20 PM

ok…no answer yet…i guess you were so amazed by my beauty that you can not find the words:)

Tuesday, May 27, 2009 11:20 AM

Well Well Well…no answer yet…ok…i understand…however, if i were in your shoes, i would try at least once…why? because by not trying, we pass sometimes by the BIGGEST OPPORTUNITY of one’s life:)

MY ANSWER NOW

Tuesday, May 27, 2009 11:56 AM

1…I have a freaking life…was not home last night and now at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2…you are WAY to needy…I have not time for this crap

3. Ever hear of patience and letting the one SUPPOSEDLY in charge take over.

4. I have never seen anyone get more and more unlikable email after email

This charade is starting to feel familiar, we have communicated before. That last bit…heard it before I am sure.

you are coming across as DESPERATE…get a life…move on!!!!!!!!!!!! I want NOTHING to do with you

Tuesday, May 27, 2009 12:16 PM

I am not really desperate….the need (or pleasure) has to be both ways….i do not know if you are the type who likes to see someone insisting or one who likes to be left on her own pace…now i undersatnd it is the latter and i do not have a problem with it or actually i even prefer that…so i WILL FORGET YOU…until your need (or pleasure) to explore the BEST OPPORTUNITY of your life wakes up…then you know where to find me

*** WTF again. Yeah all Mistresses like to be HOUNDED like that. Think the boy can learn to take a freaking clue along the way?

My partner and I are starting full-time Dominant and submissive relationship (FT D/s for short). I feel scared and nervous, like I’ve been swept along without seeing this coming. I guess I should have seen the logical destination of all this, but I did not.

My rushing river took me from kinky to kink to BDSM to D/s to CDD to full time.  

How do I explain?

I know I’m being a baby. I know I shouldn’t shirk at the idea of being a full-time submissive (and with a very lenient beginning code to follow, at that!) when so many other brave men and women are already FT subs and slaves in intense ways I can imagine but could never do.

But I’m still scared.

Of course, I don’t like change. Especially change I didn’t see coming. I was terrified about the idea of getting engaged, TERRIFIED. Having freak outs, nightmares, the whole bit. Then when it happened, I subsided into a happy calm and wondered why I’d never done this before. I loved it and the security and peace it brought. This may be the same.

I’m still pretty new to BDSM. I’ve only known there was a name for my desires, and more outlets and people using them than I’d ever dreamed, about 6 months ago. In that time, and my Dom and I have started a fun, happy part-time D/s relationship; that is, just in the bedroom. That means that I enjoy BDSM, love it in fact, but am still learning and growing in it. I thought we had years of happy growing and pushing our boundaries. We use it in the bedroom almost all the time, discuss it constantly, but when it came down to it, I still spent more time blogging about it than doing it.

We both agreed that we were not interested in FT. To me, those people were valid and real, certainly, but not to me. They lived a sort of hazy existence in a parallel reality. I had no doubt their reality was real, but I couldn’t see myself joining it. I saw them as the “real” BDSMers, the people who float along beside us on Earth at our jobs and family reunions, but who really belong to the world they’ve chosen, a world of servitude and dominance, a world of limits and pushing and growing, a world of munches and BDSM communities and FetLife and play parties.

Then I discovered CDD (Christian domestic discipline). It wasn’t BDSM, but it was similar. It was founded on the basic biblical principles of male dominance and female submission, with corporal punishment to back it up. I researched it and was oh-so-turned on. I thought it was HOT! I longed for a man to do that to me, to love me and cherish me and guide me and punish me mercilessly. I shared this with my Dom. I wrote many, many blogs on the subject, defending CDD and explaining how it was a valid way of life.

My Dom and I naturally started playing with the idea of these “spankings.” It was quite consensual. The more we talked about it, the more turned on I got. I longed to be pulled over my Dom’s knee and paddled til I screamed and cried and, at last, submitted. I longed for him to be strong and firm and demanding and gentle and kind and sadistic. I was terribly drawn to the idea, as was he.

Next thing I knew, we were idly discussing my punishments. (I deserved them.) We had a dispute over whether a certain remark was punishable or not. Being a strict lover of discipline and clear expectations, I insisted we write out a mutually-agreed upon code so I knew what to expect and he knew what to enforce. We discussed it for some time on the phone, and the next day agreed to draft up a typed copy of each of our responsibilities and rules.

Without warning, I panicked.

I could not join in this CDD, I insisted. CDD at its core is no different than D/s in BDSM. I could not be part of a FT D/s relationship! It was absurd! Not only that, it was terrifying.

My Dom was concerned over my new panic and sudden switch of thinking. He asked to know what I was feeling. Wide-eyed and panicked, like an animal trapped in a cage, I could not tell him—I could only insist I could not do this.

I hadn’t wanted it, I exclaimed wildly. We had agreed not to, I shouted. This was insane, I whined. How could we do this? I was a smart, intelligent, educated woman. We were D/s in the bedroom, equals in life. How could I obey him? I cringed at the word “obey.” How dare he request obedience from me? I wasn’t a dog! What would my mother say?, I moaned, My perfect, domineering, feminist mother?! How would my family react if they knew? I’d be going against everything I’d been raised to believe, everything they stood for. How did I know he wouldn’t abuse his power? How did I know he wouldn’t turn me into a servant and slave the moment I handed him the reins? Why did he want to punish me, anyway? I wasn’t a child! I was an adult, an adult, a full-grown, mature, intelligent, strong, capable adult! Couldn’t he just talk to me about my mistakes? And who gave him the authority to judge my mistakes, anyway?!

My Dom remained quiet, listening. He said we could wait and see. Finally, I agreed to draft up the rules. I did it, with great hesitation. He agreed to draft his rules, his responsibilities first. We did, then mine. We kept mine light and easy. We set the contract for 1 month and agreed one, either, or both of us could terminate it at the end of that time. We mutually agreed upon my rules and boundaries.

And yet I am afraid. This is a change I wouldn’t have believed possible a week ago, much less 6 months ago or a year ago. How can this be happening to me?!?

I went to college. I taught high school for two years. I traveled the world. I lived abroad alone. How can I, great post-feminism, twenty-first century, I-AM-WOMAN-HERE-ME-ROAR generation woman, agree to this? Bow to this?

And what about it made me drawn to it in the first place?

These are questions I cannot ask myself. When I think about our new arrangement, I feel anxious, worried, and sick. I cannot think about it. I have not looked at the rules. I will not see him again until Monday. Will he take them too seriously? Will he be too harsh? Will I hate this? Why did I do this? Will he be too demanding and force me to break free and fly away? Or worse, will he be too lenient on me and lose my respect forever?

Stay tuned to find out.

Ok 2 days in a row and I will do a little rant. Well not really a rant today but an observation.

So in the past like 6 months it seems like every sub that contacts me is named daniel. I am not kidding I can count at least 7 of them. 3 I am speaking with at the moment. Well I had to look up the meaning of the name to see if there would be any reason why someone named daniel seems to be predisposed to servitude. Here we go, from behindthename:
DANIEL

Gender: Masculine

From the Hebrew name דָנִיֵּאל (Daniyyel) meaning “God is my judge“. Daniel was a Hebrew prophet whose story is told in the Book of Daniel in the Old Testament. He lived during the Jewish captivity in Babylon, where he served in the court of the king, rising to prominence by interpreting the king’s dreams.

OK that explains it a bit, but still weird lol.

I had an interesting yet frustrating conversation with someone who questioned why I call myself submissive and not a slave.

For those of you that don’t know, there always seems to be a big argument in the BDSM community over who should call themselves submissive and who should call themselves a slave. Frankly I stopped giving a shit what people call themselves long ago.

The conversation went something like this:

Dominant guy: God… you should use the slave title. You are obviously looking for a service oriented position to where the Dominant in return gives you structure and stability. The only worry that you SHOULD have is serving your Master.

Me: Most Dommes seem to want a submissive in the bedroom but a vanilla guy outside of it.

Dominant guy: Stay away from the submissive title. It scares Masters like me away. Haha

Thankfully I’m not interested in a dominant guy so it really doesn’t matter if it scares away masters (lowercase on purpose) like him. It’s funny how that works though, dominant guys seem to be more interested in D/s than dominant women. I’ve been to a number of D/s oriented events, the last one I went to had maybe 50 gay couples, 50 Dominant male/submissive female couples, a few lesbian couples and two dominant women/male submissive couples.

Many dominant women have expressed to me their desires for a “submissive sometimes in the bedroom but my equal outside of it”. That’s the reason I shy away from calling myself a slave. It scares women off. Not only that, since I’ve pretty much given up on finding anything other than casual play, more and more women seem comfortable with someone who just submits to them in the bedroom. I’m all for that. Sure there’s a part of me that craves D/s, but the part of me that is dying to try out new things in the realm of BDSM overrides the part of me that needs D/s.

I’d rather be a submissive with a chance of getting fucked and toyed with than a slave who’s got no chance in hell.

I’m even cautious about mentioning my interests in D/s when someone asks me what I’m into since that’s enough to scare some off. I should maybe only qualify it by saying “look, someday, if I met someone who wanted to own me outside the bedroom, then great, Right now I’m only looking for casual play”.

Here’s another example from someone after she discovered D/s was something I enjoy:

“Yikes, are you someone that lives the lifestyle 24/7? Im not really down with that. I love sex with down right perversion, but Im not looking to own anyone…thats too heavy for me.”

It took me a while to convince her that I was perfectly happy just having sex with perversion but my interests in D/s may have cost me a one night stand with someone who enjoys things I’m dying to try.

So maybe I am a slave if that’s someone who enjoys D/s outside the bedroom. If that scares you away then I’m submissive. If that scares you away then I’m just kinky. If that scares you away then I’m just jerking off at home.

X Posted from No Limits

There is often a lot of discussion on how a slave or submissive expresses their emotions, or if they even do. Emotions, of course, are extremely important in life in general, as well as in the BDSM world. Sir plays on my emotions in order to achieve the desired effect…He knows how to do it, and He does it really, really well.

Often, i make the mistake of being a ‘tough girl’ when He is using me. i try to push the emotion back, not letting the tears form, trying to harden myself from whatever He is inflicting upon me. People often say i am intelligent…one would think that i would understand that there is no amount of suppressing emotions that will keep Sir from taking what He wants from me. This morning, however, was a bit different.

You all know the morning routine by now i ask permission to use the restroom, take care of business, and upon returning to bed, am required to ask permission to suck Sir’s cock. It doesn’t matter if i am still half asleep and desire to come back to bed to sleep more, if He chooses to use me at that time, then i comply. It can be 1:00 in the morning, or 6:00 in the morning…what i need does not matter. This morning, i was half awake when asking permission to use the restroom, and upon returning to bed, asked to suck His cock, and was ordered to do so with the command of ‘gently’.

He then fell silent. Occasionally i heard a moan from Him, but no further words were spoken. i had no idea after 5 or 10 minutes had passed what He wanted from me. He always verbalizes His wants, His needs, and His desires to me…this time, He didn’t.

Eventually, He shoved my head down on His cock, and proceeded to do some breath control…but, again was silent. When i had exhausted my ‘resources’ of remaining breath, He brought me up, allowed me one breath, and shoved me back down all the way on His cock. Then He let go. Still, no words are spoken, so what did He want from me? Was i supposed to resume sucking, or continue the breath control on my own, which i have done often. This ambiguous part of the program was extremely frustrating for me…His slave…who wants nothing more than to please Him in any way He wishes.

At one point, He grabbed my hair…HARD, and shoved me back down on His cock. He held me there until i gagged and coughed, and He pulled me up off of Him by my hair, and that is when the feeling of being completely overwhelmed just took over and the tears started. i hate, hate, HATE it when i cry and work so hard to suppress that as well…another stupid mistake, i know. i continued sucking His cock and several minutes later felt the WHACK of Him pounding His fist into my back and growling ‘blow your nose bitch’ at me.

That’s when i got mad. i threw the sheets off of me, and jerked myself out of bed, hearing Him say in a very angry tone some not-so-nice things about my judgment in behavior. i followed His orders by blowing my nose, and immediately returned not only to bed, but to sucking His cock, while i was being reprimanded about my inability to control my anger.

Disappointing Sir is THE most devastating thing that can happen to me. i work so very hard at making sure that i do the very best job that i can for Him, and when i fail, it’s devastating. This was no different. i had not controlled my emotions, and allowed that frustration to come to the surface, and that was a serious lapse in judgment, and i knew that i would be punished.

While still sucking His cock, i felt Sir remove my collar, and i knew what that meant. i lost count of how many times i felt that collar whipped against my back, but knew that i deserved every single whip of it. When He was finished whipping me, He ordered me on my stomach, and to spread my ass, and then He gave me an ass raping that won’t soon be forgotten, still reprimanding me during it…which, of course, was much more brutal than the ass rape itself.

Then it was over…as i lay sobbing from the physical pain and the emotional pain, i felt Him wrap Himself around me, as i think He knows that i will continue to punish myself far beyond any punishment He gives me. We took some time, talked about it, made peace with the situation, and eventually even giggled at each other, and as i was getting up to make Him breakfast, He decided that He needed to fuck my cunt, which He did, allowing me to have that final release that i so desired.

He is a very, very good owner.

Thank You Sir, for this experience.

X Posted from “No Limits”

As summer begins to make its final appearance in our neck of the woods, the temperatures are getting cooler, and the days are growing shorter. It’s been rainy here quite a bit over the past week, so Sir has been using His slave in ‘overtime’ mode…i suppose to pass the time…and for His pleasure.

It’s just another typical day in Sir’s household…the morning starts off with my requesting permission to use the restroom, as i am required to do anytime i need to use the restroom. i return and climb back into bed because it’s a nice weekend morning, with the rain falling gently outside. i love the sound of the raindrops pitter patter against the window, and the darkness that the clouds provide. It provides calm…it provides peace and tranquility within me.

As is also the requirement, when i return from the restroom, i am required to immediately ask permission to suck Sir’s cock. He was positioned in the bed, so i would be on His left side…you remember, the side that gives me problems. i was granted permission, and, as i always do when i am on His left side, ask if His preference would be for me to be on the other side. This time He said no.

i started sucking, listening to His cues and prompts, to make sure that i suck Him exactly the way He wants to be sucked. He started getting more aggressive, more brutal, and the gagging began very quickly. He is gracious enough to allow me one swallow…one breath…to get any vomit that i have gagged up to go back down, and normally, that is just fine. Not this time.

He forced my throat all the way down, held it, and then proceeded to grind His cock deep into the recesses of my throat, and that’s all it took. The vomit came up, He finally let go, knowing what was happening, and i jumped up and ran to the bathroom to puke. The rule is that i am not allowed to puke in His bed, and i am not willing to find out what would happen if that rule were to be broken.

When i returned back to bed, i immediately got right back in and started sucking again…no talking…no nothing…i was focused and ready. i felt Him hook His hand in my collar as He does all of the time, to get a good grip or do breath control, and then i felt Him unhook my collar…and i knew what that meant.

As i continued to suck His cock, i was whipped on my back with my collar. i remember, hearing Him say “that’s for making me wait! I don’t like to be kept waiting!” i am assuming that was when i was puking, and He wasn’t having His cock sucked for that brief moment. i was being punished for something that He caused me to do. i, very quickly, saw that this was a ‘lose-lose’ situation for me. He continued to brutally fuck my face and every word He said was accompanied with a whip of the collar.

“Get on your stomach bitch and spread your ass” was what i heard next. Sir has been using my ass a LOT these days, so with my back burning from the whipping, He slammed His hard, thick cock right into my ass for a brutal ass raping. It hurt…it provided no pleasure to me (not that it matters), and i was there, hoping this brutalization would end soon.

Sometimes, i think i go through completely through subspace when He is brutalizing me like this. There are parts of this that i didn’t remember, and had to ask Him for assistance in relaying what happened, but then He tells me what happened next, and it all comes back, with the exception of things that might have been said while i was in my floaty land. i find it intriguing…and scary.

Finally, as He collapsed on my burning, whipped back, and we laid there in our silence, His cock still buried deep in my ass, our connection as one soul…one body…one mind…the only sound we could hear was the pitter patter of the rain against the window, and the only sight we could see was the darkness of the clouds enveloping us within its grasp, and the only feeling we could feel was the feeling of release for Him, and the peace and tranquility felt within myself.

And that was just the beginning…