Kinky Sex Link

Scene in a courtroom.

Defense Attorney:    Will you please state your name and age? 

Mrs. Jones:    Mildred Jones. I am 81 years old. 

Defense Attorney:    Will you tell us, Mrs. Jones, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? 

Mrs. Jones:    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:    Did you know him? 

Mrs. Jones:    No, but he sure was friendly. 

Defense Attorney:    What happened after he sat down? 

Mrs. Jones:    He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney:    Did you stop him? 

Mrs. Jones:    No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney:    Why not? 

Mrs. Jones:    It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. 

Defense Attorney:    What happened next? 

Mrs. Jones:    He began to rub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney:    Did you stop him then? 

Mrs. Jones:    No, I did not stop him. 

Defense Attorney:    Why not? 

Mrs. Jones:    His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney:    What happened next? 

Mrs. Jones:    Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' 

Defense Attorney:    Did he take you? 

Mrs. Jones:     Hell, no!  He just yelled,  'April Fool!' and ran off.

Defense Attorney:    And then?

Mrs. Jones:     And that's when I shot the little bastard.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his blond assistant. “Brad, I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Brad.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, “So, Brad, how was your day?”

Brad told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him some ibuprofen.”

“Well done! And the second one?” asked the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Pepto, sir,” says Brad.

“Excellent! You’re good at this. Now, what about the third one?” asked the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a beautiful woman comes in. Immediately, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table in front of me.”

“My goodness! What happened then?” asked the now concerned doctor.

“Well, she looked at me and said, ‘You need to help me – I haven’t seen a man in over five years!’ ”

“Holy Toledo, Brad! So, what did you do?”

“I put drops in her eyes.”

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks, honey” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her
neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

“Oh,” she explained, “the egg timer’s broken.”

A woman meets a man in a bar. After a few drinks, they connect, and end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, filled with teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. She is immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. Quite impressed by his sensitive side, she turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie there together basking in the afterglow. She rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”

He gently smiles at her, looks deeply into her eyes and says, “That was pretty good. You can help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

I’ve noticed a trend in the FLR (Female Led Relationships) and related Femdommish blogs lately, from people who are irritated with that particular genre to which I’m going to refer as the “Clueless Subby Type”, or the CST. Picking on the CSTs that seem to populate the D/s forum communities may seem to be like shooting fish in a barrel, and frankly, I’m sure that we’ll return to this a few more times in the future. That being the case, and in the interests of “equal time”, I just wanted to share something that shows that the CSTs aren’t the only ones with issues.

Once in a while I fire up Yahoo Messenger to play with the online music, weather, stuff like that. My favorite time to do this is when I really should be working, but I’m feeling brain-dead and I need a charge. Late one recent afternoon the notice came up that someone was trying to IM me. Here’s a slightly edited transcript that you might find to be amusingly frustrating. The speeling and; punctuation has been preserved, but other details have been changed to protect the guilty.

Read More

“Oh please,” I moaned, “no, no more…”

“You want me to stop?”

“Yes. No. Oh, dammitdammitdammit!“

We had cooked dinner, cleaned up, and she suggested that I take a nice shower before bed. “And make sure you shave for me,” she admonished. I knew she wasn’t talking about just my chin.

A half hour later I was restrained to the bed – arms and legs, a rarity. The nipple clamps had gone from painful to stimulating, and the couple of pillows under my head allowed me to watch her every move. Especially her every maddeningly slow stroke along my shaft. Every time I strained my hips upward, she’d back off.

Five times now she’d brought me right up to the edge, each time letting me believe that she would follow through.

Five times I settled back into the bed, each time more frustrated than the last.

“It’s almost midnight. We’ve been at this two hours. I’m very impressed.”

I looked at her, pleading. “Impressed enough to let me come?”

“How ready are you?”

I was dying. This is the longest she’d ever teased me this way. My balls were beyond sore, my cock was purple, my muscles were cramping from the contractions. “I’m ready. Please? Please? It’s been so long since you allowed me to release.”

“How long?”

“I… I think it’s been over three weeks now.”

“Oh, you’ve gone much, much longer than that. Three weeks shouldn’t be very hard for you, now should it?” She gave me a firm squeeze to emphasize her point.

“Only three more minutes until midnight. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to shoot a nice, big load right when the clock turns twelve?”

“Yes, yes, oh yesyesyes!“

She resumed stroking, ignoring my ragged moans. “Tell you what,” she said, “I’d be a real bitch to deny you after working you up like this.”

I nodded.

“So I don’t think that I should deny you.”

I nodded faster.

“And that’s why I’m not going to deny you.”

I stopped nodding. “I’m?”

She stopped her maddeningly slow stroking, and stretched her body over me, her nipples just out of reach of my mouth. Fumbling for a moment, she sat back down on the bed and held out a shiny object to me.

A quarter.

“Heads or tails?” she asked, smiling wickedly.