Kinky Sex Link

It is a pleasure to write an article for this month’s KSL Beat on the topic of choosing a kink-friendly psychotherapist. As a university instructor of student-therapists, a professional sex nerd, and a sex-positive blogger, this is a topic that is close to my heart. I’ve also spent years as a therapist and have been a client, too. In the past I have written essays on choosing a queer affirmative therapist, a topic which may also be of interest to some of you. While some considerations overlap, kinky therapy clients of all sexualities and genders also face their own distinct set of concerns when searching for a psychotherapist.

The Importance of Going Kink-Friendly

If you’re seeking therapy for problems directly related to your creative desires or your kinky relationship/s, then it is clear why you would prefer a kink-friendly therapist. After all, you want someone who will be able to nod with true understanding and empathy while you talk. However, even if you’re not seeking a therapist for issues related to your kink, it is essential that you find a clinician that will understand and appreciate this aspect of your life and identity. That’s right, my kinky readers; even if you’re suffering from the loss of an aged pet bunny, these suggestions are written for you.

Your sexuality, in all of its beautiful and kinky forms, is an important part of who you are. A good therapy relationship is one in which you can relax and speak freely without wondering whether your therapist will be shocked or confused by your sissy maid or your beautiful new marks. It may come as a surprise to you that many therapists, perhaps most, have received no formal training or education on BDSM or other kinky practices. In fact, many have surprisingly little training even in the area of vanilla sexuality. In the end, therapists are everyday people who are subject to the same social stigmas as everyone else, and unfortunately that can readily include misconceptions and ignorance about kinky interests, activities and relationships. In order to find a good therapist for you, I suggest considering the importance of one who has been specially trained in the beautiful diversity of human sexuality.

There are additional concerns of which you should also be aware. My students are taught to give every new client an explanation of the situations under which they must break confidentiality. These three are based on the suspicion of imminent risk due to: self-harm, harm by the client to others, or harm to the client from others. As a general rule, therapists are required to watch for and report any suspicions of a violent relationship. In some parts of the USA, they are also banned from working with couples in which there is active physical violence (treatment must be with the individuals). The essence of intimate partner violence is an inappropriate imbalance of power and control, so bodily marks may not be necessary to raise alarm. A good therapist will inquire repeatedly about any possible sign of physical or emotional abuse. There is a very good reason for all of this caution, as psychotherapy clinics are an essential part of the web of protection and intervention against the common issue of intimate partner violence. However, you do not want to be caught in this web if it is not where you belong. A therapist who is uninformed or frightened about kink may mistake a loving, consensual and carefully conducted situation for abuse. At the same time, an abusive kinky relationship may also be difficult to explain and receive services for.

Additionally, a concerned psychotherapist may add damaging language to your case notes and file. This information could be used against you if your file is seized by the courts, or if it comes to the attention of other entities, such as your health insurance provider. It is important to note that there are several mental disorders listed in the diagnostic manual that could be incorrectly applied to kinksters. Sexual Sadism, for example, is a diagnosis applied to folks who get turned on by making others suffer. Antisocial Personality Disorder is another very serious diagnosis which is applied to those who have a history of harmful disregard for the rights and well-being of others without any sign of feeling of bad about it. Of course, both of these diagnoses are much more complex than my brief explanations. My point is to demonstrate why it is essential that your psychotherapist be savvy about healthy, caring kinksters and their relationships. We don’t want anyone to risk having this or any other harmful language in their file if it is inaccurate.

Finding Your Psychotherapist

Now that I’ve shared the bad news, let me assure you that there are many excellent therapists who know and understand the kink community. Some are both trained and kinky, others are vanilla but have sought out specialized training in order to be able to do good work in this area. I suggest that you begin your search by asking for recommendations from friends in your local kink community. Try emailing or talking with the moderators of your area munch groups, and scanning the bios for presenters at kink events in your area. Some of those presenters may be therapists or members of related fields, such as life coaching. If you don’t have a community like this, or prefer to stay a bit more anonymous, you can also post questions to regional discussion boards such as those at FetLife.com.

You may also consider checking the international professional listings for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Every certified sex therapist, counselor and educator has special training in the diverse range of healthy sexual behavior in addition to a strong interest in sexual well-being. Finally, you should also browse the listings at Kink-Aware Professionals, hosted by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. This is a wonderful voluntary listing, but keep in mind that their professionals are not screened in any way and some entries will be outdated if the professional neglected to contact KAP with changes.

Now that you’ve obtained a few suggestions, it’s time to call and interview some prospective therapists. That’s right, it’s perfectly fine to call a few therapists to ask questions before committing to an appointment. Simply call their number and ask if you can schedule a time to speak for 10 or 15 minutes before scheduling an appointment. You don’t even need to give your name or other identifying information, unless you would like them to call you back. I wish more clients would interview potential therapists as thoroughly as they do their babysitters, but few do.

Should you decide to visit more than one therapist for a face-to-face interview, be aware that you will still need to do their initial paperwork and pay the fees. It is also polite to inform them that you’re hunting around and speaking to more than one clinician. Be sure to call any that you visit and do not choose, so they can close your file. Whether it is by phone or in person, here are some questions to get you started. Amend them to fit your kink and situation. Remember, even if you are not seeking therapy for your kink, it is still important to know their background on the topic.

• Please tell me about your training for working with clients who cross-dress.
• What is your perspective on the differences and similarities between BDSM and abuse? How about professional domination? And your thoughts on those who attracted to things like shoes?
• What is your approach to working with open marriages?
• Which professional associations do you belong to? (Google them to see if they fit your ethics)
• How much experience do you have in working with clients who enjoy bondage, but aren’t necessarily coming to you to talk about that?
• Can you give me some general examples of cases where you have worked with couples with a master/slave dynamic?

I understand that it can be very uncomfortable to pop these questions on a stranger. However, it is far better to know how they will respond now. If you are not satisfied with their answers, simply say “Thank you for your time” and hang up the phone or excuse yourself from their office. On the other hand, if you feel warmly accepted and understood, then you can begin your sessions with increased confidence.

Keep the Relationship Strong

No matter who you are, I would like to close by offering you three simple tips for keeping your therapy relationship going strong. Once you’ve found a great clinician, it is important demonstrate your dedication to your own well-being, and your appreciation for their assistance. First and foremost, pay on-time and in full. If something occurs and you will not be able to pay, call ahead of time and ask if you may pay in part or at a specific date in the future. Secondly, please call and cancel as far in advance as possible. A cancellation means lost income, don’t let it also become a frustrating waste of their time. Lastly, be honest and open, including by giving feedback about the therapy itself.

By taking a bit of extra time to interview your therapist in advance, then making sure to follow your responsibilities as a client, you should be well on your way to finding a wonderful therapist that you can brag about to your friends and partners. Best of luck!

Dr. Ruth Neustifter is a professional intimacy consultant, educator & coach, a qualitative researcher, and a university instructor of student-therapists located in the USA. You can read more of her writing here at KinkySexLink and at her blog, ExploringIntimacy.com. She welcomes your questions and correspondence.