Kinky Sex Link

When Robert knocked on Val’s door, she was ready to have a heart to heart conversation with him regarding where the relationship was headed. She opened the door to see him holding a dozen roses. Robert kissed her, and then said, “I’m glad you invited me over to your place. I just couldn’t resist buying you some flowers.” Val wasn’t sure, but she thought his hands were shaking slightly until she took the roses from him.

“Thanks.” She turned and walked into the house. Robert followed behind her. Finding a vase, Val filled it with water and arranged the flowers. They would make a nice centerpiece on the kitchen table. “Can we talk? I mean really talk?” she said.

“Sure.” He folded his hands over his lap and listened. Robert seemed relaxed even though he was shaking only moments earlier.

Val sat across from him at the table. With a quivering voice she said, “Is there something going on with you? I mean, you acted cold toward me the other morning, as if getting away from me as fast as you could was the most important thing on earth. What’s going on?” Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, but Val blinked them back as she waited for Robert’s response.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Robert stood and then walked to the sink and helped himself to a glass of tap water before returning to sit across from her at the table. His face was blank; he honestly didn’t seem to think anything was amiss.

“There’s got to be something going on. What’s wrong?” she asked again.

“Nothing. I just was embarrassed the other morning because I couldn’t get hard.” He held his head low while focusing his eyes on the place where the two leaves of her table met. “Everything was great that night, and I thought you’d be disappointed that I couldn’t perform the following morning. That’s all.”

“Then why’d you split so quickly after waking up with me? You didn’t mention any other engagement you had to attend. You just left when I was in the shower.” She choked down the beginnings of a sob. It was caught in her throat, but she continued. “I understand you being embarrassed. What I don’t understand is why you left so suddenly without even saying goodbye.”

“Val, I told you; nothing was or is wrong. I love you. I was embarrassed. That’s all. Nothing else is wrong.” He slowed down the words to the last sentence as he reached across the table and opened his hand.

Val reached across the table to hold his hand. “If something was bothering you, you’d tell me, right?”

“I’d never lie to you, Val. Honest. If something was bothering me, even if it was something trivial, I’d tell you about it. Like I said before, I love you.” He squeezed Val’s hand and sustained eye contact with her until she left the room to answer the phone.

Almost without fail, when a person new to BDSM begins asking questions about how to go about things in this perverted little world of ours, one word will come up repeatedly: consent. Whether you are a proponent of SSC, RACK or just the general concept of safe play; consent is the one thing everything else is predicated upon. Even in cases of ‘rape play’, its ‘consensual nonconsent’ that is the allure. In that case the concept is so nice they named it twice. Its what protects us from allegations, keeps us safe and that from which all other things flow. Consent is a foundational, meaning everything else is built up on it.

We may bicker and argue and debate the merits of this type of play or that, the safety of an activity, the skill of a player or any of a zillion other things; but it almost always comes back to ‘well, they consented so there you go.’ It’s our stop gap, our fallback, our retreat position. Consent is supposed to be what keeps players on both sides of the whip safe from harm of both the mental and physical varieties.

It all sounds very textbook and thorough and finite. You consent to a thing, you get the thing you consented to. The implication is that so long as consent is given, no other factors should be taken into account when dealing with an event that left a person uncomfortable in some way. As in. ’so you consented to be flogged, you dont get to gripe about bruises now’.  Right about here is where speeches about personal responsibility, negotiations, being self educated, etc.. get spouted, often with great gusto and even derision.

Not that the speech givers are wrong: there absolutely should be personal responsibility, education and negotiations undertaken by all parties in a scene. But what happens if a player didnt talk it to great lengths before getting up on that cross? Well the cyclical argument now starts eating itself like the proverbial snake. ‘But still you consented so….’.

It can be very easy at this point to just say ‘be educated and be careful who you trust but when you consent, its game over so dont be crying about it after the fact when you said yes… Dozens of these arguments end right here. Very few times does anyone look deeper into the issue to see whats at the heart of the matter.

Consent isnt the be all and end all of the negotiation process. As a top or a bottom, your goal is not to just get a scene underway. Its not a competition or a race. You dont ‘win’ just because you manage to get a scene in.  Your goal is to facilitate a scene that will benefit both parties while still ensuring safety (this goes for tops and bottoms alike). Its not ‘oh hey, a post just opened up, lets get up there and get beaten’, its ‘I’d like to play tonight and here are the things I’d like to get out of it, how can I get that and also have my partner get their needs met and us both walk away with only the type of sensation/emotion we want from it’

So whats the difference? Information leading to the consent, or more succinctly worded: Informed Consent.

To consent to a thing means to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield to it. Basically it means ‘I say yes’. Informed consent means to approve or comply based upon a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action. Or ‘I understand what is going to be done, how it can possibly effect me in as many ways as possible and I say yes.’ Thats a very big difference. And one not alot of people actually take the time to actually embrace.

Informed consent can be hard to determine. Expressions of consent nor expressions of the understanding of possible implications necessarily mean that full  consent was in fact given nor that full comprehension of all relevant issues was understood.Just because someone says ‘yes! i wanna be single tailed!’ doesnt mean they are aware that they could have marks or even bleeding as a result. ‘Common sense’  may tell us that this is in fact a possibility, but common sense is never common. Never assume anyone is aware of every implication just because it seems like ’something everyone should know’. If you are the top, tell your bottom what could happen. If you are the bottom, ask your Top what might result from the scene.  Both should be proactive in obtaining and relaying any information relevant to a scene.

Many people rely on that consent may be implied within the usual subtleties of human interaction rather than being explicitly negotiated.You hear this one alot ‘well, you never said no..’. Lack of a no does not automatically mean informed consent has been given. ‘Yes’ is the only thing that means yes, and if you really wanna be one of the cool kids ‘yes, i understand that x,y or z could happen and i still say yes’ is really the only ‘yes’ you wanna move forward with.

In some cases consent cannot realistically be possible, even if the person protests he does indeed understand . This is especially true in cases where a person is not made aware of all the possible effects of an event (flogging can lead to bruising, violet wands may lead to first degree burns, etc..) or if either party is suffering from ‘diminished mental capacity’. If you aren’t aware that your top has issues with anger outbursts, memory impairment, etc.. as the result of an organic process then if a negative outcome arises from the scene it can be legitimately argued that informed consent was never given based on the lack on information relayed at the time consent was requested . Basically, be proactive. Ask the questions, give the answers. Both with as much honesty and authenticity as possible and the risk of negative outcomes decreases exponentially.

The crux of the matter when it comes to Informed Consent is : had the individual been made aware of the risk would they have proceeded with the activity?

• Do you sign up for a credit card based ONLY on the credit limit? Or do you look at the interest rate and yearly fee before signing up?
• Do you buy a house just because it has 3 bedrooms? Or do you have it inspected to make sure its up to code and you wont have to replace the roof/plumbing/electrical in the next little while?
• Do you hire a new employee just because they say they know the things required for the job? Or do you check references, inquire about education levels and assess if their personality meshes well with your existing team?

We take time and care to assess risk and reward in so many aspects of our lives, but then when we decide to place our lives in the care of someone else/ take the life of someone in our own hands (sometimes literally: breathplay, fireplay, edgeplay, etc…) we simply settle for ‘oh that looks like fun, lets do that!’  It seems ill advised at best, downright dangerous and negligent at worst to go about BDSM in such a capricious manner.

As tops we should ask about health issues, possible triggers, hard limits, soft limits, preferences, needs, desires, etc.. that could affect play and relay that same information about ourselves to our partner. As bottoms we should do exactly the same.When in doubt, more information is better. This is not a race against the clock, there is always time. If you dont get the scene in tonight there is no reason it cant happen another night. Basically any excuse for not relaying as much information as possible is just that: an excuse. Where there are excuses there are generally also other issues. Smoke and fire go together in the cliche for a reason.

BDSM is a constant learning process. Learning about skills, theory, interpersonal dynamics, philosophies, and on and on. Just because a scene ‘went bad’ does not mean that a person was/is bad. It can often be viewed as a way to assess what did and did not work well in an effort to make sure history and mistakes do not repeat themselves. Everyone involved in a scene has the responsibility to try and make it as safe and fulfilling a scene as possible and 99 times out of 100 communication will be the best way to make sure that happens.

Just because a ‘yes’ was given is not the end of the story, or even the beginning of a scene. Often times its just the starting off point for entire conversations.

~kim

Kink In Motion

FetInRealLife #9 – DIY Cuffs and Blindfolds
This covers a couple of the more basic necessities of bondage: Restraints and Blindfolds. Using the information in this video, you can throw together functional wrist and ankle restraints all for about $10.00. Additionally, I’ll show you a fast and easy blindfold that you can use with standard household items: a hand towel, and some rope or string.

As always, play safely. Always be careful not to injure someone, and always discuss limits ahead of time.

Val swept the kitchen floor, replaying in her mind the time she spent in bed the last few days with Robert. How could he be so frisky one night and then the following morning be so cold to her? He’d acted as if he didn’t want her to touch him at all. That night was one of the first times he’d told Val he loved her, so she thought some morning sex would be a welcomed gesture.

The physical work around the house felt good. She used the angry, confused energy to give her sweeping some extra power. Working up a sweat, Val swept the crud on the floor into a pile. The following night inside The Whale’s Belly was fun but left her even more confused. It was almost as if Robert’s personality was controlled by a little switch. He was sexually hot or cold with no in in-between. As she swept, thinking about the bar and Robert, she lightly sang the words to “Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative…” She swept some more and found herself singing the words later in the song, “Jonah and the whale, Noah and the Ark.”

As she brushed the dust into the dustpan, Val contemplated inviting Robert over for a long chat. She wanted to get to know him better, to find out if he was a man worth pursuing further. After all, she wasn’t young and in school anymore. If he intended to play games with her, then she’d gladly let him loose. Needing a man with whom she could grow old and not somebody who was going to play with her emotions, Val resolved to talk about how she felt with Robert as soon as she saw him again.

To distract herself, Val thought about Tur Coys, the fairy she couldn’t sell. Maybe if she discounted the fairy, another customer would buy Tur Coys. Fairy food wasn’t cheap, and Val didn’t want to keep a dustless fairy much longer, but she hated to give Tur Coys back to the forest without at least breaking even on her investment. Maybe she’d sell Tur Coys with a no refund, no money-back guarantee contract. Maybe she’d luck out, and Tur Coys would behave differently with a new owner.

Val drove to The Fairy Store with the resolution to sell Tur Coys. When she arrived, an older man with white hair was waiting inside near the glass counter in the front of the store. He introduced himself as G.P. but didn’t give a last name.

“I need a small fairy figurine,” he said, turning his head and nodding at a small ceramic statue inside the glass case. “I’m a clock maker, and I want to model the figures on my newest clock as fairies. The proportions are hard to master without a model.”

Val smiled. “How about using a real fairy?”

“I’d never be able to afford a real fairy.”

“Sure you can,” Val said. She retrieved Tur Coys from the storage room and announced the reduced price. Tur Coys was still asleep inside the cage and lay curled up into a ball.

“I only need her for a few days, “G.P. said. “Can I lease her?”

Val and G.P. shook on the deal, and Val wrote the lease agreement on carbon paper. She gave the yellow copy to G.P. and kept the original for herself. Taking the cash the old man offered, Val winked at the old man. At least she’d break even on Tur Coys. Maybe he’d change his mind and decide to keep the fairy longer. If not, Val would try one more time to sell the creature if she couldn’t find a replacement fairy in the meantime.

Challenges make life interesting, however, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. – Mark Twain

Life has taken some unanticipated and less than desired turns as of late. There has been heartbreak and revelation, tears and trying moments, pity parties and plain ole bad days. But there’s also been processing and introspection, with a focus on how to do it better next time.

BDSM as a mechanism for personal growth never ceases to amaze me. Didn’t we get into this thing for the sex and the rush? For lots, yep.. that’s why we started. But for many of us it was just a springboard to looking deeper within ourselves to begin defining who we are, what we want, and other such things. Come for the sex, stay for the growth.

I thought I knew what  wanted from a submissive, from a partner. Things like control, power, structure, protocol, etc. Those things are still there. But recent developments have made me sit back and wonder, ‘What was missing? Why did things fall apart? What is it I wanted and didn’t know I wanted? What name does it bear?’

The answer came to me much more quickly than I would have expected: Devotion.

Forgetting the religious aspects of the word, the devotion I speak of here is defined as:

Yep, that’s it all right.

For me, this was one of those elementary, foundational ‘this is just how you do it’ kind of things. I assumed anyone who identified as submissive intrinsically felt this, simply because that’s always how I’d viewed it. It’s like teaching someone to wash their hands, you don’t always think to include telling them ‘now use soap..’ because it seems so obvious to you. But again with that self growth thing.. and a big part of that in BDSM and poly dynamics is realizing that we each bring our own histories and thoughts to an experience. Often this means words and concepts do not always mean the same to people as they do to you.

So we have the textbook definition of devotion, now what does that look like in real time and in relation to submission?  Here is a part of what it looks like to me:

• To want and desire with a full heart
• To set apart and above all things when practical
• To view or be viewed as special
• To think of that person and their needs and wants before your own a majority of the time and with consistency
• To act in an anticipatory manner so that the needs and wants of the person are met before a request is needed
• To look upon or be looked upon with eyes that are longing and eager to please
• To think of the self last
• To sacrifice personal comfort or wants for the other
• To be dedicated to making sure the other’s needs and desires are met
• To do all that is asked with sincerity and depth
• To perform with grace and enthusiasm for the greater cause
• To be transparent in communication and relaying emotional information
• To place one’s own well being and comfort in the hands of another after great thought and great trust with abandon
• Surrender of one’s will

There are others of course.. but the overall theme here is clear: to place another above yourself from a place of a desire.

Lest it seem I am asking for the moon, I am not unreasonable or entertaining visions of a god complex. If there are practical things like jobs, livelihoods, children, families, primary partners, emergencies, etc.. to be tended to then those should be seen to. But when at all possible, which actually is a goodly portion of the time; I want to be wanted, actively seeken out, to be served with enthusiasm, to have control freely given to me, to have someone be grateful for the effort I expend on them and return it in kind and more. I want someone who is devoted to me and my best interest.

This is how I have always approached a D/s dynamic as a submissive. I thought everyone did it the same way in this regard. Clearly, I needed to define it more. This is how I serve my Dominant. As a Dominant, this is how I want a submissive to serve me. Now that I have a more specific definition of it, I’ll be able to communicate this from the beginning for my next interaction.

New mistakes will be made in any future dynamic I enter into to be sure, but this one will be more easily intergrated I hope.

~kim

Kink In Motion

Throughout this series we’ve examined what types of behaviours can be considered predatory, the effects such behaviours can have on its target, how it can be handled individually and as a community and other important facets of the discussion. These are all excellent dialogues to have but they have their root in one thing: a person. It’s a person/people who engage in these behaviours and send the cycle in motion. So how do you know who is who?

Below are some characteristics of some predators. This list is by no means all inclusive, you may encounter a whole new breed. Nor is it linear. The predators you encounter may display a few attributes from this one and a few from that one. The overarching themes are ones of self assigned entitlement of some kind, a lack of care for personal space and boundaries and varying types of manipulation. But at the very least this list may help you to begin to spot potential red flag characteristics to be watched and avoided.

Types of Predators:

• Chameleon Predator – in view of others they take great care in creating a persona that is one of restraint, respect and graciousness. Once alone with the target, their behaviour changes completely which may manifest in using offensive language, suggestive language, manipulation or threats, or unwanted physical contact among other things.
• Public Predator – overt and often ostentatious in their flirting, attempts at manipulation, humiliation or out and out lewd behaviour. Often using the people around them to enable and encourage the activity
• Adrenaline Junkie Predator – one who gets a rush out of harassing or humiliating their targets. The reaction of the target (including, but not limited to humiliation, embarrassment, becoming offended, anger, frustration, etc..) is what they seek and where they get their gratification. A non reaction may just encourage them to keep trying until they do get a reaction of some sort.
• Compensating Predator – these folks prey on others to boost their own egos. The smaller they can make you feel, the more important they feel they are.
• Pay for Play Predators – those who use their position or influence in an effort to make another do as they wish which may include play, sex or simply ‘taking’ the predatory behaviour without complaint. If the target does not comply with the situation, their position in the community, reputation or emotional or physical safety will be placed in jeopardy.
• Atypical Predator – these are the ones that leave their targets confused as to motivation based on a perceived lack of need to engage in such behaviour. Examples would include a Dominant who is well respected in the community, who has a primary SO, several less seriously committed partners and a seeming endless supply of partners for one time play. Why would they NEED to prey? The answer is a driving need for constant Domination at all times.
• The Passive Aggressive Predator – those who come on strong and then back off claiming it was all a joke, a misunderstanding or harmless flirtation if confronted. But are quite serious in their attempts to manipulate another into play, sex, etc.. if not ever confronted. ‘Oh I was just kidding, unless your answer is yes.’
• Quid Pro Quo Predators – an exchange of play or sex for a benefit of some kind (standing in the community, bragging rights, ownership, protection, entrance to events, etc..) is forcefully or subtlety demanded based on the aggressor’s standing in various hierarchical  dynamics (community, cliques, relationships, circle of friends, etc..). this varies a bit from the ‘Pay for Play’ type in that the Quid Pro Quo type often uses a negative threat to get his demands met rather than barter for a reward.
• Helpful Predator – These will try to create mentor-like relationships with their targets in an effort to mask their untoward intentions under the pretense of exemplary behaviour. They may take great pains to carefully build up an image beyond reproach so that people would find it hard to believe they would do anyone any harm. They plan their approaches carefully, strike strategically so that it is their word against that of their victims or even speak at length with the victim after the incident in an attempt to convince the victim of their being a non threat, confuse the events in the victims recollection or downplay the actual impact of the event
• Trying to fit in Predator – these are motivated by a desire to belong, because they see the activity as humorous and wish to be one of the cool kids, or trying to emulate a perceived proper way of behaving in an effort to gain favour from others. They may initiate or egg on  lewd comments, remarks on physical attributes, or other unwanted sexual attention. They may act individually in order to belong or impress the others, or as a part of a group by ganging up on a particular target
• Back Handed Predator – those who engage in predatory behaviour by utilizing a third party. Person A targets person B by either overtly flirting, complimenting, putting down, humiliating, harassing or fondling Person C in an effort to get a reaction (disgust, jealousy, feelings of belittlement or inferiority, etc..) from Person B
• Serial Predator – one who engages in one or a combination of predatory behaviour models on an ongoing basis rather than a one- time situational type event.
• Hands on Predator – these engage in actual physical contact with their targets at every opportunity. They will take it upon themselves to grope, grab, fondle, kiss, etc.. their targets without the consent of the target.
• Situation Manipulation Predators – these strategically utilize a change of venue to gain maximum opportunity to engage in predatory behaviour. If the parties normally meet at a munch or a party, this predator will arrange for a more ‘one on one’ environment to carry out their undesirable behaviour (coffee date, dinner, meeting at home. Etc..)
• Tit for tat Predator – inappropriate conduct is used to punish the victim for some perceived infraction, such as rejection of the predator’s advances, or making the harasser feel insecure about himself or herself or his or her abilities. The predator uses bad behavior to put the victim in his or her “place.”
• Insidious Predator – these predators try and make themselves seem like confidantes. They will approach their targets as friendly equals and share stories of their own lives and experiences in an effort to gain trust, admiration and sympathy and entice the target to share as well. All too soon the exchanges begin to take place in more intimate settings and the stories shared used as manipulative devices.
• Garden Variety Jerk – this guy is the ‘wont take no for an answer’ predator who will persist in his unwelcome advances no matter how poilitely, clearly, plainly and consistently he has been told that there is no interest from the other party.
• Smooth Talker – these predators rely on excessive ‘compliments’ and other word play that focuses almost solely on appearance and gender traits. The comments are out of context, over the top, offensive and embarrassing. They are often accompanied by sexually suggestive looks and body language.
• Maladroit Operator – These are socially awkward individuals who want the attentions of their targets even though the targets do not reciprocate these feelings. The often revert to a  display of a sense of entitlement, believing their targets should feel flattered by their attentions. When rejected, bullying methods as a form of revenge may be utilized.

At the core of the problem is the abuse of  power or authority. The dynamics involve an aggressor who holds a position of power over the victim. Predators may choose their victims based on such characteristics as age, perceived passivity or lack of assertiveness, lack of education or naiveté, low self esteem, and other areas of vulnerability. Despite the frequency with which these characteristics may be sought out, it is imperative to remember that people who have these characteristics cause the harassment or deserve to be harassed.
Predators may ‘test out’ targets with minor violations of interpersonal boundaries.

• they might tell sexual jokes or make sexual comments about their target
• display sexual/erotic materials, or ask questions about one’s sex life
• violate one’s personal space with touching and maintain that it is meant to be nonsexual
• make requests or demands that the potential victim meet him/her outside of designated places and times.

Predators often act dismissively or show a lack of regard for the feelings of their victims, even when assertive
attempts are made to put an end to the inappropriate behavior. When confronted about their inappropriate behavior, perpetrators of sexual harassment often act as if they are being victimized, or it is the victim who is at fault. This can be confusing for the victim, and might make her/him feel as if there is no basis for complaining about the behavior, feel as if they do not have the right to complain or feel guilty about trying to set limits or bringing an accusation against the predator.

This outlines some of the types of behaviours than can be used to possibly predict predatory behaviour. Its not a guarantee that you can avoid all negative interactions or that anyone exhibiting these behaviours is automatically a predator. This is information that you should integrate into your own mindset and make calls on in your own best interest.

For more information on this issue, I invite you to check out the first four installments in this series:

‘Morning After’ Regret – Fourth in a Series on Predatory Behavior

Personal Responsibility – Third in a Series on Predatory Behavior

The War Against False Entitlement – Second in a Series on Predatory Behavior

Defining It – First In a Series on Predatory Behavior

~kim

Kink In Motion

X post from Mystress Lady Evyl

OMG….ok its hard I know for the sub/slave to contact a Mistress cause you never know how to go about it or how She will react…we are all different. BBBUUUUTTTTT don’t sound freaking desperate and mental. At some point get your head screwed on properly and stop sounding mental. Case in point see texts I got from someone applying…just his part. Even if I finally did see his pic (which was BAD) and he would have been the hottest dude on earth I would have been turned off. Let me mention at no time was I nice or encouraging…I was a bitch the whole way through (yeah I know more attractive to a sub) and never gave an inkling of wanting to meet him, EVER:

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I know…I know …I know you want a photo but the following lines may convince you to forgo this cobditionIt is not because i am ugly or anything (on the contrary, you will be surprised)… only i am new to this world…of domination that i am shy to send a photo However…pls pls pls…do not exclude this yet or hesitate to award one session as your slave…because you will probably miss the best opportunity ever to have such a faithful and submissive slave.hope this is enough to gain your trustonce you confirm that you agree with the above, i will do all the rest of what it takes to get my dream sessionthank youyour slave mysterious slave surprise slavefunny…very funny…slave

Friday, May 22, 2009 2:34 PM

i will be a regular because my fantasies are consistent, persistent, repetitive, and regular in nature. Pls let me be your slave…let me serve you..pls..pls…today Friday if possible

Friday, May 22, 2009 3:15 PM

on the contrary, my only and only need is to satisfy your needs…pls mistress do not exclude me…all what i need from you is some indication from on how to please you…pls give a chance and you will not be disappointed

Sunday, May 24, 2009 10:28 PM

Oh Mistress, i thought about you all this weekend…never left my mind…always thinking about ways to win your trust…to convince you i am the slave worth trying…try me once and own me forever…i do not know how to convince you…all what i can say is that i am sincere in my urge to serve you, to please you, to be your slave forever…hope to meet you soon…your faithful permanent slave

Monday, May 25, 2009 7:52 AM

Oh mistress
how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you……how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you……how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you…how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you…….how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve you……..how may i serve you…how may i serve you..how may i serve Please tell me and i will do anything you want…

*** WTF?

Monday, May 25, 2009 4:04 PM

As for the pic…it is really hard… i am not comfortable at all…i do not know if you even exist…it is all internet and email stuff at this point and you know how big is the net and how much it has unfounded content…..I am not being disobedient but i hope you undersatnd…if it may help, i am I…………………..

Voilà…on the other hand i understand your fears because you are inviting someone who you do not know … so may be a good compromise would be to meet in a restaurant. at that point when my eyes fall on you and your eyes fall on me, it is a matter of 25 seconds before trust starts to build up. At that point the sub becomes totally sub and devoted and time t=0 starts ticking and you can ask all you want …i will have a photo with me too…..i hope you understand…i just hope…really

Monday, May 25, 2009 4:10 PM

Mistress,
Ok your puppy is anxious and looking for your feet to get warmth and comfort…i am born to be always at your feet, my head on the floor serving as a foot rest for you. Pls mistress, i ask you, i beg you to give just one chance because i know for sure that once you try me you will say: ‘WOW this is exactly what i have been looking for’….pls mistress …pleasssssssssssssssssssssse

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 2:28 PM
Ok Ok fine here is my pic … like you said i have to earn it

*** At this point I have not answered because a) I was not home b) I am at work now. I get 2 more emails.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 5:20 PM

ok…no answer yet…i guess you were so amazed by my beauty that you can not find the words:)

Tuesday, May 27, 2009 11:20 AM

Well Well Well…no answer yet…ok…i understand…however, if i were in your shoes, i would try at least once…why? because by not trying, we pass sometimes by the BIGGEST OPPORTUNITY of one’s life:)

MY ANSWER NOW

Tuesday, May 27, 2009 11:56 AM

1…I have a freaking life…was not home last night and now at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2…you are WAY to needy…I have not time for this crap

3. Ever hear of patience and letting the one SUPPOSEDLY in charge take over.

4. I have never seen anyone get more and more unlikable email after email

This charade is starting to feel familiar, we have communicated before. That last bit…heard it before I am sure.

you are coming across as DESPERATE…get a life…move on!!!!!!!!!!!! I want NOTHING to do with you

Tuesday, May 27, 2009 12:16 PM

I am not really desperate….the need (or pleasure) has to be both ways….i do not know if you are the type who likes to see someone insisting or one who likes to be left on her own pace…now i undersatnd it is the latter and i do not have a problem with it or actually i even prefer that…so i WILL FORGET YOU…until your need (or pleasure) to explore the BEST OPPORTUNITY of your life wakes up…then you know where to find me

*** WTF again. Yeah all Mistresses like to be HOUNDED like that. Think the boy can learn to take a freaking clue along the way?

Ah, I love the insights being a switch has given me into the murky world of my own sexual psyche! I like to think of my proclivity for swinging from one kinky pendulum extreme to another (with pauses to enjoy all the delicious ambiguities in the middle) as a way of achieving balance in my relationships. One of the things I’ve noticed is that I cannot consciously determine whether I’m going to feel submissive or dominant towards a certain partner — I just have to go with the flow. Delving into the reasons for the direction my flow chooses has shown me some interesting inner truths about my needs and desires.

Recently, I’ve begun to feel switchy with one of my Dominant partners, which is a curious thing. Why would I want to turn the tables on a relationship which I’ve found deliciously satisfying? Unless, of course, I have a need for balance. Puzzling over the situation, I fell asleep and woke up with a word in my head: devotion.

When you hear this word, as a BDSMer, you probably automatically think of submission, and you’d be correct. Submission involves abandonment into total devotion to a Dominant, a Master or Mistress, and herein lies the ecstasy of giving everything you can give and having it *accepted* in return. Balance is beautiful.

But, there is also an element of devotion involved in being a Dominant. Acceptance of submission is important, but so is the commitment to utterly care for and know everything there is to know about your submissive partner. I’ve spoken about the difficult role of the Dominant before and how mindful awareness is an absolute requirement to be successful in this role. There is no room for negligence in domination. If a sub thinks you have ceased to care about their offerings of service, they will lose faith in your ability to lead, to master, and they will feel something is lacking.

How does a Dominant achieve and sustain this mastery, then? Through devotion. To be utterly and wholly focused on your submissive as a unique and cherished treasure whose abilities to give are valued even as they are exploited and tested — this is the sacred duty of a Dominant. For devotion received, devotion is given, and herein lies balance.

I have heard lots and lots of debates on the merits and drawbacks of safewords. Are they necessary, are they effective, is someone who yellows a wuss or are they a person in control of their own safety, etc, etc, etc. There are lots of good, intelligent, well articulated arguments for and against the use of safewords out there… this aint one of them.

Yellow is for people who don’t really want to let go of control, while pretending that they do.

First off, this is BDSM. We engage in varying degrees of role play frequently. Ever hear of consensual nonconsent? Rape fantasies? (emphasis on the fantasy part, please and thank you). So why the inherent sarcasm which seems to imply that anyone ‘pretending’ to relinquish control is somehow inferior to someone who ‘actually’ does?

(the ‘pretend’ and  ‘actual’ are in quotations since the debate on what  types of play and players are real and what aren’t is a chicken and egg deabte of the worst type and would need an entire website full of hundreds of entries to even begin to cover it. So we’ll just leave that for another blogger to cover and assume a level playing field here)

Why is one type of role play considered hot & another considered less than in some way? Whatever the reason, it’s silly. If we were in the business of doing things the way the majority rules there would most likely not be any BDSM in the first place. Let’s show some solidarity? Why the phrase ‘your kink isnt my kink but your kink is ok’ isnt just spouted but embraced  remains beyond me. Long story short: your way works for you, their way works for them. What they do in no way directly affects you in any negative way so stop with the false superiority.

But more than that, calling yellow or at least knowing that you can and it will have the desired effect is not a placebo. Its a lubricant.It does not inhibit a scene, it allows it to happen in the first place.

In three years of being with my primary partner we scened countless times and I have called yellow once. In that same time I have bottomed to a dozen or more people at varying levels of intensity and have never called yellow. Yet every single time I’ve scened I know without hesitation that if i feel i NEED to call yellow, i can and it will be respected. Knowing you can press pause for half a second builds trust. Trust facilitates scenes.

If I call yellow it doesnt mean I end a scene. It means I am being an active, engaged, educated, empowered and respectful partner. It means I am making an attempt to give my top the valuable information they need as to how to proceed based on current conditions. Once they have that information THEY can decide whether to stop completely, change intensity or change the direction of the scene entirely. I am providing, THEY are deciding. At that point I neither want to be nor am in control over anything other than the dissemination of information.

An argument can be made much more effectively that when I call RED I have some control over the scene. Red ENDS a scene. We arent talking about red, thats a whole other show.

The calling of yellow is the equivalent of being a meteorologist. You want to go on a picnic, so you check the weather. The weather dude says there is a 75% chance of rain so you decide to stay indoors. So did the channel 4 weather guy make you stay home? Did he have some power over you, did he control your actions? Of course not. YOU made the decision based on the information available. The meteorologist was a conduit at best.

If you go round blaming the weather man everytime you dont get to enjoy outdoor recreation based on a weather prediction, you may well be just a generally unhappy person all round due to near constant feelings of victimizatrion and powerlessness.

That certainly would explain the derision in the original statement.

Use safewords, dont use safewords. personally i think they are useful and often necessary. But I am not in your scene so my views are of little import in that regard other than to educate those who wish to hear my opinion so that they might integrate that information into their own decision. But looking down on those who play differently than you do is not only comically arrogant, it often exposes the espouser as the threatened individual he or she really is.

Pot, meet kettle……

Melissa had turned the evidence over and over in her mind and there was only one conclusion: Jake was cheating. He’d always seemed like such a sweet, devoted husband, but if the late nights, mysterious phone calls, weekend business trips, and unusual credit card charges weren’t proof enough, the private detective’s photographs were. Jake was clearly shown meeting a strange woman at a hotel, then accepting room service in a bathrobe with the floozy hanging on to his arm, clad only in his shirt.

Melissa was not an emotional or affectionate woman. Perhaps that’s why after ten years Jake had turned. She liked sex more than most women, but evidently it hadn’t been enough. Even now she was calm and collected, thinking critically over what would be the best thing to do.

She wouldn’t leave. She loved Jake and was sure he loved her, too, even if he was dipping his cock into some slut—she suspected Laura from the office. What was it about Laura? She wasn’t the type that a guy would cheat with. She was busty and attractive enough, but she had three kids and, from what Melissa understood, was still breastfeeding the last one. She wasn’t young or a clubbing ditz. If anything, she was maternal. Most men tried to feel young by dating laughably young girls. Was Jake trying to feel young by dating a Mommy?

Perhaps it had something to do with his growing up without his mom. It was true he liked to call Melissa “Mama” during love making. And he loved to cuddle up to her when she would let him. During foreplay when he sucked her nipples, it was almost like he was nursing. Yes, maybe that was it. Maybe she could save her marriage and give her husband what he needed. Maybe it was what she needed, too.

A plan was just starting to take shape when the phone rang. It was Jake saying he had to stay late at the office again. So dutiful even when he was cheating. Melissa smiled into the receiver.

“Just be back by nine. I have some things to get together anyway.” And she certainly did.

* * *

When Jake walked in the door at 9:15, Melissa was waiting in the living room. She had taken great care in dressing, choosing an outfit that reminded her of something her own mother would have worn around the house: a simple, robin’s egg blue dress with flat, leather shoes. It wasn’t the sexiest thing in her wardrobe, but it made her feel authoritative and beautiful. Her hair was tucked behind her ears, but not styled.

Jake was surprised to see her. Usually she would have been in their bedroom working on her laptop in her sweats. “You’re late, dear.”

Jake gave an easy grin. “Sorry, Mommy.” He thought he was joking.

Melissa rose. She was only five foot four, but she felt six feet tall and it showed. Jake drew back. “I don’t believe you are, but you will be. Come here.”

Jake fumbled as he set down his suitcase and hurried to stand in front of his wife. “I—I’m sorry. I was trying to be home by nine. I thought I was close enough.”

“That’s not good enough, young man.” Melissa took hold of Jake’s ear and began pulling him towards the bedroom. He ran on his toes to keep up with his own ear, completely in her control. “But I have ways of dealing with naughty little boys.” With that, she pushed open the bedroom door to reveal an interesting spread over their bed: scissors, a hairbrush, a diaper, baby powder, and a strange device made of plastic.

“Now, you will take down your pants.”

Jake began undoing his belt, but slowly. “Why?”

Melissa sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her husband towards her, taking over his task and stripping him a little roughly. She slid his wallet out of his pocket and removed his credit cards and cash. “Because I’m going to give you a spanking.”

Jake smiled. “That’s kinda hot, baby.”

Melissa took his arm and drew him over her lap. She could feel his tumescent sex enthusiastically oozing against her dress. She didn’t mind. Evidently whatever that whore had done to her husband hadn’t drained him completely. And then she stopped herself. Laura wasn’t the problem: Jake was.

Melissa held Jake firmly in place and gently stroked his buttocks. “Oh, no. You’re the baby, baby. A very naughty baby.” She covered his bum with a flurry of quick, stinging spanks. He writhed against her, rutting like a teenager in his eagerness. He surprised her by moaning and raising his haunches to meet her forceful hand.

“Oh! Yes, Mommy!” The sight of him squirming in her lap was starting to turn her on. She knew she must not forget that she was doing this to correct him, not to give him pleasure. She reached for the hairbrush.

“What a bad little boy you are! Mommy’s going to have to spank this little boy with her hairbrush. He’s getting icky sticky all over Mommy’s dress.”

Jake was still rutting. “I’m sorry, Mommy.” He obviously thought this was going to be a game.

Melissa took up the hairbrush and delivered a series of slow, deliberate swats all over Jake’s reddening backside. With each stroke he jumped and gasped. This was more the response she was looking for. He was clearly in pain, but still submitting, just like a good baby should. But he wasn’t a baby yet. After thirty swats, she allowed him to stand.

He stood rubbing his bare buttocks and, when he turned to face her, she saw that his face had become quiet and peaceful, almost dreamy. “Thank you, Mommy.”

Melissa smiled. “Good boy. Now sit down.”

Silently, Jake obeyed. Melissa took his credit cards and money in one hand, the scissors in the other.

“I’m going to do something very drastic, but I want you to understand why.” Jake only looked at her blankly. His eyes were unfathomable, as though she had opened a door that led deep inside his mind. A twinge of nervousness overcame her, but she couldn’t help feeling she was looking into his eyes for the first time. There was no layer of sarcasm clouding his eyes and she knew there was no layer of detachment clouding hers. “I know you’re sleeping with Laura Fischer.” Jake didn’t flinch. “You are going to stop sleeping with her immediately. Tonight was the last time.”

Jake’s face remained blank. “You knew?”

Melissa sighed, letting her maternal air drop for a moment. “I know now.” And she snipped up the credit cards and all two-hundred dollars in cash.

After sweeping the mix of plastic and paper onto the floor, Melissa unbuttoned and removed Jake’s shirt and then his undershirt. Once he was naked, she spread him out over the bed. He didn’t fight her. He just looked up at her lovingly and occasionally moved a limb when she needed it moved. Once he stroked her face and she kissed his palm. It wasn’t until she began unfolding the diaper that Jake spoke.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

Melissa pushed the diaper into position under her husband, now a sweet little boy, and began sprinkling his tumescent sex with baby powder. “I’m putting you in a diaper so that you can be a baby again.”

“Oh.”

She tucked his erection into the diaper as well as she could. “You need to be a good baby so that you can grow up to be a good man someday.” Jake began absentmindedly sucking his thumb. “Until you show me that you can be a big boy, you’re going to be a little baby. No more big boy underpants, no more telephone, no more big boy tv, no more sex.” Melissa, who had never diapered anything but a doll, finally figured out how to tape up the sides of the diapers.

“Tomorrow Mommy is going to call your office and tell them you’re taking your two weeks off. Then Mommy has a date.”

Jake’s thumb popped out of his mouth. “What?” The sweet, childlike tone his voice had taken on evaporated.

“You cheated on me, I’m going to cheat on you. Only it won’t be cheating, because you’re not my husband now. You’re my baby boy.”

Jakes eyes began to tear. “I don’t want anyone else touching you!”

Melissa took hold of Jake’s chin and looked into his eyes. “Babies don’t have a say, do they?”

Jake’s tears brimmed over, but he nodded his head and Melissa’s nipples hardened as she reveled in her unquestioned authority.

“Good.” Melissa released his face and sat down next to her baby husband on the bed. He cuddled up to her and resumed sucking his thumb. Melissa began humming a lullaby and fingering the buttons around the neck of her dress. Slowly she began to undo them, revealing her large, white breasts and erect, pink nipples. As her tits tumbled free, Jake stared. She saw the front of his diaper grow tighter.

“Is baby sucking hims thumb because hims hungry?”

Jake moaned, thrusting against his diaper, and nodded. Melissa traced her areola with a finger before she playfully pinched her nipple. “Baby want bitty?”

Again, Jake nodded and, as Melissa lied back against the pillows, he scrambled into her lap and eagerly took her breast in his mouth. Melissa felt herself growing moist as Jake started to stroke himself through his diaper, but she firmly took his hand and removed it. “No, no, baby.” Jake moaned louder, but kept still.

As he suckled, Melissa stroked his hair and whispered to him about their new life together as Mommy and baby. She was going to date a number of men this week to find one to sleep with once Jake had to go back to work. While she was out of the house, there would be a babysitter coming over to watch him, a young woman named Penny. [Woot!] Jake was to be a good baby for her and do everything that she said. When he finally did go back to work, he was going to wear the a chastity device—the funny plastic thing that was waiting on the bed—under his diaper. When Melissa finished explaining, she asked Jake if he had any questions.

At first Jake just shook his head, then, thinking better of it, he detached himself from his Mommy’s breast. “Why did Mommy cut up all my money?”

Melissa stroked his hair. “So that you wouldn’t go buy big boy pants. I threw out all your underwear so that all you have are diapers.”

Jake nuzzled against Melissa’s breasts and said, “I wouldn’t do that. I would never disobey Mommy.”

Touched, Melissa smiled. “Good, baby.”