Kinky Sex Link

cross-posted from The Enigmatic Angel

Be still my kinky heart.

I am always on the prowl to see where interesting BDSM Workshops are offered around the world. Recently, I added a new category to my Enigmatic Angel Lists blog: Tasty Courses & Workshops Around The World.

And of course, I have long been aware of Midori’s workshops around the world. Many local BDSMers have participated in her Rope Dojo workshops. And I’ve been subscribed on her mailing list forever.

And yes, I did know that Laura Antoniou and educator Midori were well-acquainted, seeing as Midori wrote an introduction to one of my favorite Laura Antoniou Marketplace books.

But here is an item sent to me through the calender listings of Midori’s mailing list,
that almost made my kinky heart stop:

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As an unowned female is it automatically assumed at a kinky space that I am suppose to do whatever the Dominants want or am I allowed to assert boundaries ?

Absolutely not. YOU determine your boundaries and YOU ensure that they are enforced. That means THEY are to respect your boundaries but they cannot do that until YOU make them known and clear. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly we seem to forget the ‘C’ in SSC. Until you explicitly consented to be treated otherwise, you have every right to be treated how you’d expect a stranger in a bar, a bank teller, or a grocery store clerk would. This should be a given, but the SM community is no different than the community at large wherein people will push, subvert, manipulate and otherwise strain the boundaries of propriety out of some misguided sense of entitlement. Yes its sucks, but its also true. Its also true that noone is going to do the heavy lifitng for you.  Being owned or unowned does not change your status as a human being, nor does it affect your personal responsibilty.So figure out what your boundaries are and ways to communicate them to ensure you get treated the way you ought to be.

How would you handle an order to give your Dominant  oral sex under the table at a restaurant?

I’d tell that ‘Dominant’ to take a hike. Again, the ‘C’ in SSC is being grossly overlooked in this scenario. My refusal to engage in such a request has nothing to do with my limits, personal comfort levels, the depth of my submission or anything else. It has everything to do with the consent of those around me.Yes, the fantasy of giving head under a table in a resturant is a hot one . But its just that, fantasy. Next time you are sitting down to dinner in a resturant, look around at the patrons next to you. Do you REALLY wanna see Mr. Pervsalot be sucked off by Ms. Suxacok? Yeah, didnt think so. And they most likely have the same thought about you. Yes you are beautiful and special, just like everyone else. But unless its in a resturant you have rented out for the evening and sent the staff home (they dont wanna see it either, noone gets paid enough for that in the service industry) or you are in a space spefically designed to accomodate such goings on (read: kink events with rules stating that sex may be engaged in and overseen, enter at your own risk) keep your fantasies of public showings of your kink where it belongs: in your head, in your writing or in your bedroom.

Have you ever had period where the D/s aspect took a back seat for a bit and the Dom and sub interacted more like equals on a day to day basis?

Well, much as we may lament it at times, fact is none of us live in Roissy. And here in this wacky place I like to call ‘the real world’ (yeah I’m a true fringe kinkster) things happen that trump kink. Shocking, I know. I also know that there are those of you who are balking at me right now saying ‘Nooooo! Its my lifestyle! Nothing will EVER make me put it second!’ I applaud your enthusiasm and determination, but I’d also like to be there when the cops show up and you explain your lifestyle to them when they come to investigate because little Bobby told his teacher all about how awesome his parents are and that Daddy beats mommy with belts and big sticks till she cries and she cant wear tank tops in public and that even mommy says ‘Yes, Sir!’ in his house! Yes its extreme. But if you never plan for the extremes you are gonna be slapped with the cold hard wet fish of reality someday. Things happen, financial stresses, infidelity, changes in preferences, illnesses, on & on ad infinitum. Almost every ‘hard core’ D/s couple I know has gone through periods of ‘equality’ due to outside factors. Sometimes the D/s finds its way back, sometimes it morphs, sometimes its gone for good. None of these are inherently good or bad. BDSM is, if nothing else, an exploration. And as any good explorer will tell you, its about the journey, not the destination.

I’m kinky, most of the people I interact with (coworkers, family, etc.. ) are not. What do I say when they ask how I have been what I’ve been up to?

With as little information as possible. Well, first decide how much you want them to know. If its not much, which is often the case, then give yourself permission to answer without really answering. You are under no obligation to give any more detail than you wish to give. I run into this alot with family:

So, what did you do this weekend?

Not much, went to a party.

You sure go to alot of parties (said with an accusatory tone and raised eyebrow)

Yup! I have tons of great friends and they like to celebrate alot! What did you do this weekend?

Thats another one, misdirection. Turn the conversation back to them as soon as you can. If nothing else in this world is true, this is: people LOVE to talk about themselves. Use it to your advantage.

Other good ones I have heard: meetups for internet groups (most of us do spend a fair amount of time online) , book clubs (most everyone I know has a favorite passage from some BDSM related book), theatre groups (wardrobe, roleplay.. what we do IS quite theatrical you gotta admit), and the best one yet: Groups for People with Special Needs!

So I went  out this weekend and while we were dancing  a man (not my owner) slapped my ass so hard the people around us heard it and gasped. Normally I would have kicked him in the knees or screamed and stepped on his instep but a month after giving in to be owned and liking the being smacked hard by my owner I reacted totally differently.  I panicked, I got upset and I ran out . Now i worry that I cant defend myself like I used to…. any advice?

Yeah, grow a pair. Sorry to be so bitchy and blunt but good grief. I’ll grant you once you delve into submission you find out alot of things about yourself you never knew were there. But you are still YOU. Why would you NOT protect yourself now where you would have a month ago? A dead submissive is no good to any Dominant. Now regardless of your ‘being owned’ status my view is, unless you consented to that interaction its wrong and you should take appropriate measures. But, if you are struggling with it in context with your being owned look at it this way if it helps: as ‘property of some sort or another’ your job first and foremost is to protect your owner’s goods: you. In other words, its your number one priority to keep yourself in the best shape for your Dom at all times.

Allowing someone else to touch you

A) is an insult to you and your Dominant

B) could lead to physical harm to you ergo damaging Master’s goods and

C) can leave you mentally rattled for at least some period of time so that your effectiveness as a submissive is lessened.

NONE of these is in any way benefiting you or your owner.If you need an SM context to give you the justification for standing up for yourself, there it is in black and white. But my friend, it is my earnest hope that you will do so simply because wrong is wrong no matter if kink is involved or not and you deserve to be treated as such.

My partner and I are starting full-time Dominant and submissive relationship (FT D/s for short). I feel scared and nervous, like I’ve been swept along without seeing this coming. I guess I should have seen the logical destination of all this, but I did not.

My rushing river took me from kinky to kink to BDSM to D/s to CDD to full time.  

How do I explain?

I know I’m being a baby. I know I shouldn’t shirk at the idea of being a full-time submissive (and with a very lenient beginning code to follow, at that!) when so many other brave men and women are already FT subs and slaves in intense ways I can imagine but could never do.

But I’m still scared.

Of course, I don’t like change. Especially change I didn’t see coming. I was terrified about the idea of getting engaged, TERRIFIED. Having freak outs, nightmares, the whole bit. Then when it happened, I subsided into a happy calm and wondered why I’d never done this before. I loved it and the security and peace it brought. This may be the same.

I’m still pretty new to BDSM. I’ve only known there was a name for my desires, and more outlets and people using them than I’d ever dreamed, about 6 months ago. In that time, and my Dom and I have started a fun, happy part-time D/s relationship; that is, just in the bedroom. That means that I enjoy BDSM, love it in fact, but am still learning and growing in it. I thought we had years of happy growing and pushing our boundaries. We use it in the bedroom almost all the time, discuss it constantly, but when it came down to it, I still spent more time blogging about it than doing it.

We both agreed that we were not interested in FT. To me, those people were valid and real, certainly, but not to me. They lived a sort of hazy existence in a parallel reality. I had no doubt their reality was real, but I couldn’t see myself joining it. I saw them as the “real” BDSMers, the people who float along beside us on Earth at our jobs and family reunions, but who really belong to the world they’ve chosen, a world of servitude and dominance, a world of limits and pushing and growing, a world of munches and BDSM communities and FetLife and play parties.

Then I discovered CDD (Christian domestic discipline). It wasn’t BDSM, but it was similar. It was founded on the basic biblical principles of male dominance and female submission, with corporal punishment to back it up. I researched it and was oh-so-turned on. I thought it was HOT! I longed for a man to do that to me, to love me and cherish me and guide me and punish me mercilessly. I shared this with my Dom. I wrote many, many blogs on the subject, defending CDD and explaining how it was a valid way of life.

My Dom and I naturally started playing with the idea of these “spankings.” It was quite consensual. The more we talked about it, the more turned on I got. I longed to be pulled over my Dom’s knee and paddled til I screamed and cried and, at last, submitted. I longed for him to be strong and firm and demanding and gentle and kind and sadistic. I was terribly drawn to the idea, as was he.

Next thing I knew, we were idly discussing my punishments. (I deserved them.) We had a dispute over whether a certain remark was punishable or not. Being a strict lover of discipline and clear expectations, I insisted we write out a mutually-agreed upon code so I knew what to expect and he knew what to enforce. We discussed it for some time on the phone, and the next day agreed to draft up a typed copy of each of our responsibilities and rules.

Without warning, I panicked.

I could not join in this CDD, I insisted. CDD at its core is no different than D/s in BDSM. I could not be part of a FT D/s relationship! It was absurd! Not only that, it was terrifying.

My Dom was concerned over my new panic and sudden switch of thinking. He asked to know what I was feeling. Wide-eyed and panicked, like an animal trapped in a cage, I could not tell him—I could only insist I could not do this.

I hadn’t wanted it, I exclaimed wildly. We had agreed not to, I shouted. This was insane, I whined. How could we do this? I was a smart, intelligent, educated woman. We were D/s in the bedroom, equals in life. How could I obey him? I cringed at the word “obey.” How dare he request obedience from me? I wasn’t a dog! What would my mother say?, I moaned, My perfect, domineering, feminist mother?! How would my family react if they knew? I’d be going against everything I’d been raised to believe, everything they stood for. How did I know he wouldn’t abuse his power? How did I know he wouldn’t turn me into a servant and slave the moment I handed him the reins? Why did he want to punish me, anyway? I wasn’t a child! I was an adult, an adult, a full-grown, mature, intelligent, strong, capable adult! Couldn’t he just talk to me about my mistakes? And who gave him the authority to judge my mistakes, anyway?!

My Dom remained quiet, listening. He said we could wait and see. Finally, I agreed to draft up the rules. I did it, with great hesitation. He agreed to draft his rules, his responsibilities first. We did, then mine. We kept mine light and easy. We set the contract for 1 month and agreed one, either, or both of us could terminate it at the end of that time. We mutually agreed upon my rules and boundaries.

And yet I am afraid. This is a change I wouldn’t have believed possible a week ago, much less 6 months ago or a year ago. How can this be happening to me?!?

I went to college. I taught high school for two years. I traveled the world. I lived abroad alone. How can I, great post-feminism, twenty-first century, I-AM-WOMAN-HERE-ME-ROAR generation woman, agree to this? Bow to this?

And what about it made me drawn to it in the first place?

These are questions I cannot ask myself. When I think about our new arrangement, I feel anxious, worried, and sick. I cannot think about it. I have not looked at the rules. I will not see him again until Monday. Will he take them too seriously? Will he be too harsh? Will I hate this? Why did I do this? Will he be too demanding and force me to break free and fly away? Or worse, will he be too lenient on me and lose my respect forever?

Stay tuned to find out.

Chapter 1

Her skin ripples, a soft whisper of movement as awareness of Her presence embraces and surrounds.  Beneath the blindfold, her eyes flutter as her heartbeat drums a staccato against the pale flesh of her breast.  She breathes deep and whimpers in pained ecstasy as her Lady’s scent fills her senses.

The small hairs on the back of her neck stand straight as warmth reaches out and almost caresses. Swaying, she undulates towards Her presence, yearning for Her touch.

caer is naked, her arms pulled tight behind her back, encircled with soft leather cuffs, strong with a velvet underband that caresses a translucent blue-veined wrist.  Her shoulders tremble slightly, pulling her hands tight like this behind her always strains but she welcomes the small pain and offers it to Her with unspoken gratefulness.

She kneels, thighs spread wide as told, whispering a mantra to herself to keep open and available with pure devotion and determination.  The delicate pale pink labia, already dewed with moisture and proof of her arousal glisten in the muted candlelight.  The small breasts, tip tilted with swollen crimson nipples tremble as she moves restlessly on her knees.  She straightens, thrusting her soft breasts out for Her use.

Cool, soft braided leather slip along her cheek causing her to start and stifle a cry.  She can smell her own odour on its twisted cool surface and moans.  Slowly, gently, barely touching, her Lady caresses her face, following the contour of jaw down the sweep of neck with its thick collar, touching and slightly flicking the straining shoulder blade then dropping to the plump, swollen breasts. 

caer gasps as she feels the long slender stalk of the crop push in under her breasts, in the crease where the soft flesh meets the broad ribcage.   As if weighing their bounty, her Lady lifts the breasts away from her chest, digging in with a sweet sharp pressure that makes caer cry out …

Her breasts, swollen, the nipples aching, are suspended for a moment and then she suddenly feels her Lady’s soft tongue sweep across their swollen tips.

Between her legs caer feels her arousal swell in a trickle of glistening clearness that trails a teardrop of diamonds across her inner thigh.

Her breasts fall back against her chest as her Lady pulls the crop from beneath them.

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This week’s prompt asked the question: How has kink improved your relationship?

As a genetically inclined people-pleaser I’ve never been good at asking for what I want. When it came to relationships I always felt guilty that I might be forcing my partner into doing something he didn’t want to do and that eventually he’d decide I was a bossy selfish person and leave. (Not a really rational way of thinking but then many habits aren’t logical, are they?)

In the past I tended to deal with this discomfort by keeping my needs and wishes to myself, and trying not to let eventual resentment take over in the long term. Not exactly the healthiest way to keep a relationship happy and alive, huh?

D/s gives my relationship a nice tangible power structure that allows me to see that there’s a difference between being demanding and selfish, and making healthy, mature requests to get my needs met.

I’m expected, as an intelligent respectful submissive, to lay my needs (and my wants) out on the table for discussion. It’s then up to my partner to make the final decisions which takes any layer of guilt off my shoulders. As a dominant person his job is to be aware of my needs and not to allow me to sacrifice them for his sake. Knowing this I’m compelled by the code of my relationship to make my needs and wants apparent to him.

Just knowing that my partner will take the discussion into account when making decisions helps me to feel valued and loved. Knowing that he will choose an action that is best for the relationship – and therefore best for me – allows me to be at peace with his decisions.

Odd as it may sound being in a D/s relationship as a submissive has allowed me to become a more assertive individual. In – and out – of my relationship.

Every week there will be a BDSM question asked here at KSL. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. Leave a comment here, or post the answer on your own blog! Be sure to come back and let us know where to find it!

This will be a regular weekly addition to the site, come back often and see what people have to say!

This week’s question:

What has been the hardest thing for you to accept in your Dominance/submission?

1. n.
a) The prescribed order of a religious ceremony.
b) The body of ceremonies or rites used in a place of worship.
c) The prescribed form of conducting a formal secular ceremony: the ritual of an inauguration.
d) The body of ceremonies used by a fraternal organization.How apropos such a description is of the rites and services, the customs and habits intrinsic to ANY relationship – whatever the dynamic. There is a need in most human beings (I believe to be central to the human psyche), which embraces the comfort and sanctity of ritual, finding in the routine habit and convention of habitual practice a level of comfort which allows the mind to calm and provides a form of almost meditative reflection that soothes and balances emotional equilibrium.After all, why else does the history of mankind evidence ritual in some form or another no matter what era, century or cultural imperative?

2. A book of rites or ceremonial forms.

3. rituals
a) A ceremonial act or a series of such acts.
b)The performance of such acts.
c) A detailed method of procedure faithfully or regularly followed: My household chores have become a morning ritual.
d) A state or condition characterized by the presence of established procedure or routine: “Prison was a ritual—reenacted daily, year in, year out. Prisoners came and went; generations came and went; and yet the ritual endured” (William H. Hallahan).
adj.Ritual.

Many rituals, for instance, in terms of human interaction occur at what has been called “rites of passage”; from the rituals and ceremonies associated with births, deaths, puberty and marriage to the rituals greeting the change of seasons.

Ritual can be a positive or negative force in an individual’s life – positive in terms of providing a sense of history and meaning and negative if ritual is allowed to become the focus and locum of an existence.

Certainly, many individuals today descry the rigidity of ritual and exclaim their independence from its cloying procedures .. yet, yet … examine each and every one of our lives and I believe you will find evidence of ritual – not always obvious, not always publicly disclaimed or revealed, but nonetheless there … a real and vital part of our daily lives.

Ritual can be something practiced en masse (i.e. religious observances, sports, and similar venues where crowds enact rituals of passage and expectation) or private, from morning routines enacted the same with each sunrise or weekly meetings with friends.

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From BDSM is Love on May 31, 2005

So, there was a comment awhile ago, when I wasn’t really with it mentally about how I’ve noticed so many submissives that have blogs I’ve followed are throwing in the towel on the lifestyle. I am baffled at how someone can do that. I’ve had time to think about it and maybe I can understand them a bit better. I’ve made the decision almost 2 years ago to be lifestyle and nothing else. I could never go back to the vanilla life. I left a husband to persue my new life. I changed the way I live, I want to be different. I know I am happier than I was. I embraced the lifestyle with both hands and jumped in deep to be active and happy that way. Trust me, I am. I truely am.

Now these people that have given up give me pause. How can you give up a lifestyle that to me is so a part of me that it’d be like ripping my heart out. So, I had to try to place myself in their shoes. There are 3 kinds of people that I can think of that gives up the lifestyle. They are the players, the ones where real life gets in the way and ruins you, and then there are those that really weren’t heart felt lifestylers. I just can’t see anyone else leaving. (Now, before you start sending me hate mail, I’d like to remind you that this is a blog; not your blog, not a forum, but my blog. I can say whatever I like here, it is my opinion, my thoughts, and there is nothing you can say about it.)

The first person are players. They find themselves overwhelmed with the depth that the lifestyle goes and all they really wanted was the kinky sex. These people can only talk about the kinky sex they’ve had and the fact that their partner did this or that. The blogs are hollow as to their life outside the bedroom or playroom. I find their stories passionate and fun to read, but I don’t feel that they are really in it for the long haul to begin with.

The second person is the ones that let ‘real life’ get the best of them and decide to just not try anymore. This happens more often then you might think, and I feel it is the most common occurence. These people I feel really bad for. If you have been a regular follower of my blog you know that Master and I have had major issues with real life. It has been eating our time, our money, or passion, and our energy. I don’t see us giving up though. We may back off a bit, not play as much, be ‘normal’ for awhile; whatever we need to to deal with what life throws at us. I do have to say that there are those that have medical emergencies, family issues and other more severe things that happen, but in my opinion if you are lifestyle, then nothing can take that out of you. Ever.

The third person is the one I find most often on rarely updated blogs. These are those that think they are D/s oriented, or love BDSM but really they are just normal kinky. Let me explain. These are those that don’t want to be around others in the lifestyle, they hide and say that what they do is D/s but they don’t have common ideals, no beliefs, nothing that really says they mean anything. When you talk to them they are not interested in talking to you about it. I realize there are those that want to share what they find kinky, that they have discovered this new thing that they find really kewl.

These are just my thoughts. I can’t take the lifestyle out of me, and I just can’t fathom others doing it either, if they are truely honest with themselves and what they need/want.

–luna

(This article was written just six months into my exploration of BDSM, I still feel the relevance of it today.)

I was reading today on aspects of shame and humiliation, and their place in BDSM play and D/s relationships in particular.

I would have told you 6 months ago that humiliation didn’t interest me, that I was sceptical that it had its place in ‘healthy BDSM’.

Of course one of the fastest discoveries you make when you begin to explore BDSM is that so much of what you thought to be true before, has little or no base in reality. You have to be prepared to be humbled unless you’re smart enough to keep your opinions to yourself until you’ve actually learned something.

My first Dom simply looked at me with an indulgent look whenever I said: “I know I wouldn’t like that” or “I know I’ll never want to try that”…

Humiliation was one of those things. Or, as I’ve seen it more accurately labelled ‘erotic humiliation’.

I couldn’t imagine letting someone call me slut, making me admit that they could do anything they wanted to me and I wouldn’t stop them, or any of those other delicious things that I now recognize as being more than simply spice added to the play.

I had a sense of BDSM as a sensual experience. I was probably born with some inborn instinct that drew me towards it…BUT…I had NO concept of the emotional/mental aspects involved. Didn’t know what dominance and submission really was. I knew I’d always fantasized about being restrained. I’ve been obsessed with chains and blindfolds since before I can even remember. Sensation play was something I had no doubt I’d enjoy. Even to be teased about needing a spanking gave me the most delicious shivers, although I never let on.

What I was not prepared for was the mind-trip of D/s; the emotional power of it.

Why is it that being called a slut, being called ‘greedy and shameless’, become such turn-ons when we spend our whole lives as women trying NOT to get those labels?

Why is that the idea of being nothing more than a sex toy for your dominant’s pleasure is so fulfilling, so evocative?

I’ve thought about this a lot because I’m not the kind of person who can just accept things. I have to KNOW why they are the way they are. (A mind that never shuts up can be a curse. ::laughing::)

The only answer I have is that deep inside us we all recognize this drive to be the animals we really are. We tame it, hide it, deny it…We do anything but acknowledge it. And even more importantly we try hard never to let anyone else know it’s there; even though it should occur to us that they have it, too.

Humans are not very bright about these things.

The hardest challenge we face in relationships is that of being ‘known’. It scares the hell out of us to let someone see all of us. All of the stuff society says is bad. All of the stuff we think everyone else doesn’t have.

The aggressiveness of BDSM, the mind-trips of D/s, the pain and humiliation of it all, seem to me to be the way we acknowledge that animal side of ourselves. In BDSM we are allowed to reveal that greedy, slutty, violent, animalistic self.

Encouraged to.

Forced to.

And then we are praised and loved and comforted and thanked by our partner for doing so. We are reassured that not only are they not going to run from us, but that they are proud of our bravery and strength in setting the animal free. They are grateful that we did every ‘nasty’ delicious thing we did. This works on both sides.

We talk so much about trust in BDSM. About how much we must trust our partners with our very lives. And to be honest, this has not been the hardest thing for me so far in my journey. I have an inherent belief in the goodness of people, and in my own ability to put myself in safe situations, and avoid dangerous ones.

No, allowing someone to tie me up hasn’t been my biggest challenge.

The trust that is harder to give, the trust that we don’t talk so much about is the trust we place in our partner when we give them our inner selves, when we lay naked our fantasies and our needs.

When we do so, and our partner not only accepts them but joins us in making those fantasies come true, in fulfilling those needs…that’s when we are truly liberated by BDSM.

But, what does this have to do with humiliation?

Well, as a sub, it seems to me that first we have to break through the pride and fear that keeps us from baring ourselves.

Kneeling, begging, and acknowledging that I am a possession and no more…these things frighten me beyond belief. But now I know how these moments will act to truly free me to enter into a deeper more secure relationship than I have ever thought I could be capable of.

It’ll take time. It’ll take the love of a wise and caring dominant to work patiently through my resistance, to rip it from me when the time is right.

Scary? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Rewarding?

Hell, yes.

To me it seems like a rite of passage. Like getting my ears pierced at 16. Like my tattoos. I knew they were going to hurt. I dreaded them. I looked forward to them.

I was forever changed by them.

And that…THAT is what life is about.

Cinful