Kinky Sex Link

Throughout this series we’ve examined what types of behaviours can be considered predatory, the effects such behaviours can have on its target, how it can be handled individually and as a community and other important facets of the discussion. These are all excellent dialogues to have but they have their root in one thing: a person. It’s a person/people who engage in these behaviours and send the cycle in motion. So how do you know who is who?

Below are some characteristics of some predators. This list is by no means all inclusive, you may encounter a whole new breed. Nor is it linear. The predators you encounter may display a few attributes from this one and a few from that one. The overarching themes are ones of self assigned entitlement of some kind, a lack of care for personal space and boundaries and varying types of manipulation. But at the very least this list may help you to begin to spot potential red flag characteristics to be watched and avoided.

Types of Predators:

• Chameleon Predator – in view of others they take great care in creating a persona that is one of restraint, respect and graciousness. Once alone with the target, their behaviour changes completely which may manifest in using offensive language, suggestive language, manipulation or threats, or unwanted physical contact among other things.
• Public Predator – overt and often ostentatious in their flirting, attempts at manipulation, humiliation or out and out lewd behaviour. Often using the people around them to enable and encourage the activity
• Adrenaline Junkie Predator – one who gets a rush out of harassing or humiliating their targets. The reaction of the target (including, but not limited to humiliation, embarrassment, becoming offended, anger, frustration, etc..) is what they seek and where they get their gratification. A non reaction may just encourage them to keep trying until they do get a reaction of some sort.
• Compensating Predator – these folks prey on others to boost their own egos. The smaller they can make you feel, the more important they feel they are.
• Pay for Play Predators – those who use their position or influence in an effort to make another do as they wish which may include play, sex or simply ‘taking’ the predatory behaviour without complaint. If the target does not comply with the situation, their position in the community, reputation or emotional or physical safety will be placed in jeopardy.
• Atypical Predator – these are the ones that leave their targets confused as to motivation based on a perceived lack of need to engage in such behaviour. Examples would include a Dominant who is well respected in the community, who has a primary SO, several less seriously committed partners and a seeming endless supply of partners for one time play. Why would they NEED to prey? The answer is a driving need for constant Domination at all times.
• The Passive Aggressive Predator – those who come on strong and then back off claiming it was all a joke, a misunderstanding or harmless flirtation if confronted. But are quite serious in their attempts to manipulate another into play, sex, etc.. if not ever confronted. ‘Oh I was just kidding, unless your answer is yes.’
• Quid Pro Quo Predators – an exchange of play or sex for a benefit of some kind (standing in the community, bragging rights, ownership, protection, entrance to events, etc..) is forcefully or subtlety demanded based on the aggressor’s standing in various hierarchical  dynamics (community, cliques, relationships, circle of friends, etc..). this varies a bit from the ‘Pay for Play’ type in that the Quid Pro Quo type often uses a negative threat to get his demands met rather than barter for a reward.
• Helpful Predator – These will try to create mentor-like relationships with their targets in an effort to mask their untoward intentions under the pretense of exemplary behaviour. They may take great pains to carefully build up an image beyond reproach so that people would find it hard to believe they would do anyone any harm. They plan their approaches carefully, strike strategically so that it is their word against that of their victims or even speak at length with the victim after the incident in an attempt to convince the victim of their being a non threat, confuse the events in the victims recollection or downplay the actual impact of the event
• Trying to fit in Predator – these are motivated by a desire to belong, because they see the activity as humorous and wish to be one of the cool kids, or trying to emulate a perceived proper way of behaving in an effort to gain favour from others. They may initiate or egg on  lewd comments, remarks on physical attributes, or other unwanted sexual attention. They may act individually in order to belong or impress the others, or as a part of a group by ganging up on a particular target
• Back Handed Predator – those who engage in predatory behaviour by utilizing a third party. Person A targets person B by either overtly flirting, complimenting, putting down, humiliating, harassing or fondling Person C in an effort to get a reaction (disgust, jealousy, feelings of belittlement or inferiority, etc..) from Person B
• Serial Predator – one who engages in one or a combination of predatory behaviour models on an ongoing basis rather than a one- time situational type event.
• Hands on Predator – these engage in actual physical contact with their targets at every opportunity. They will take it upon themselves to grope, grab, fondle, kiss, etc.. their targets without the consent of the target.
• Situation Manipulation Predators – these strategically utilize a change of venue to gain maximum opportunity to engage in predatory behaviour. If the parties normally meet at a munch or a party, this predator will arrange for a more ‘one on one’ environment to carry out their undesirable behaviour (coffee date, dinner, meeting at home. Etc..)
• Tit for tat Predator – inappropriate conduct is used to punish the victim for some perceived infraction, such as rejection of the predator’s advances, or making the harasser feel insecure about himself or herself or his or her abilities. The predator uses bad behavior to put the victim in his or her “place.”
• Insidious Predator – these predators try and make themselves seem like confidantes. They will approach their targets as friendly equals and share stories of their own lives and experiences in an effort to gain trust, admiration and sympathy and entice the target to share as well. All too soon the exchanges begin to take place in more intimate settings and the stories shared used as manipulative devices.
• Garden Variety Jerk – this guy is the ‘wont take no for an answer’ predator who will persist in his unwelcome advances no matter how poilitely, clearly, plainly and consistently he has been told that there is no interest from the other party.
• Smooth Talker – these predators rely on excessive ‘compliments’ and other word play that focuses almost solely on appearance and gender traits. The comments are out of context, over the top, offensive and embarrassing. They are often accompanied by sexually suggestive looks and body language.
• Maladroit Operator – These are socially awkward individuals who want the attentions of their targets even though the targets do not reciprocate these feelings. The often revert to a  display of a sense of entitlement, believing their targets should feel flattered by their attentions. When rejected, bullying methods as a form of revenge may be utilized.

At the core of the problem is the abuse of  power or authority. The dynamics involve an aggressor who holds a position of power over the victim. Predators may choose their victims based on such characteristics as age, perceived passivity or lack of assertiveness, lack of education or naiveté, low self esteem, and other areas of vulnerability. Despite the frequency with which these characteristics may be sought out, it is imperative to remember that people who have these characteristics cause the harassment or deserve to be harassed.
Predators may ‘test out’ targets with minor violations of interpersonal boundaries.

• they might tell sexual jokes or make sexual comments about their target
• display sexual/erotic materials, or ask questions about one’s sex life
• violate one’s personal space with touching and maintain that it is meant to be nonsexual
• make requests or demands that the potential victim meet him/her outside of designated places and times.

Predators often act dismissively or show a lack of regard for the feelings of their victims, even when assertive
attempts are made to put an end to the inappropriate behavior. When confronted about their inappropriate behavior, perpetrators of sexual harassment often act as if they are being victimized, or it is the victim who is at fault. This can be confusing for the victim, and might make her/him feel as if there is no basis for complaining about the behavior, feel as if they do not have the right to complain or feel guilty about trying to set limits or bringing an accusation against the predator.

This outlines some of the types of behaviours than can be used to possibly predict predatory behaviour. Its not a guarantee that you can avoid all negative interactions or that anyone exhibiting these behaviours is automatically a predator. This is information that you should integrate into your own mindset and make calls on in your own best interest.

For more information on this issue, I invite you to check out the first four installments in this series:

‘Morning After’ Regret – Fourth in a Series on Predatory Behavior

Personal Responsibility – Third in a Series on Predatory Behavior

The War Against False Entitlement – Second in a Series on Predatory Behavior

Defining It – First In a Series on Predatory Behavior

~kim

Kink In Motion

As an unowned female is it automatically assumed at a kinky space that I am suppose to do whatever the Dominants want or am I allowed to assert boundaries ?

Absolutely not. YOU determine your boundaries and YOU ensure that they are enforced. That means THEY are to respect your boundaries but they cannot do that until YOU make them known and clear. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly we seem to forget the ‘C’ in SSC. Until you explicitly consented to be treated otherwise, you have every right to be treated how you’d expect a stranger in a bar, a bank teller, or a grocery store clerk would. This should be a given, but the SM community is no different than the community at large wherein people will push, subvert, manipulate and otherwise strain the boundaries of propriety out of some misguided sense of entitlement. Yes its sucks, but its also true. Its also true that noone is going to do the heavy lifitng for you.  Being owned or unowned does not change your status as a human being, nor does it affect your personal responsibilty.So figure out what your boundaries are and ways to communicate them to ensure you get treated the way you ought to be.

How would you handle an order to give your Dominant  oral sex under the table at a restaurant?

I’d tell that ‘Dominant’ to take a hike. Again, the ‘C’ in SSC is being grossly overlooked in this scenario. My refusal to engage in such a request has nothing to do with my limits, personal comfort levels, the depth of my submission or anything else. It has everything to do with the consent of those around me.Yes, the fantasy of giving head under a table in a resturant is a hot one . But its just that, fantasy. Next time you are sitting down to dinner in a resturant, look around at the patrons next to you. Do you REALLY wanna see Mr. Pervsalot be sucked off by Ms. Suxacok? Yeah, didnt think so. And they most likely have the same thought about you. Yes you are beautiful and special, just like everyone else. But unless its in a resturant you have rented out for the evening and sent the staff home (they dont wanna see it either, noone gets paid enough for that in the service industry) or you are in a space spefically designed to accomodate such goings on (read: kink events with rules stating that sex may be engaged in and overseen, enter at your own risk) keep your fantasies of public showings of your kink where it belongs: in your head, in your writing or in your bedroom.

Have you ever had period where the D/s aspect took a back seat for a bit and the Dom and sub interacted more like equals on a day to day basis?

Well, much as we may lament it at times, fact is none of us live in Roissy. And here in this wacky place I like to call ‘the real world’ (yeah I’m a true fringe kinkster) things happen that trump kink. Shocking, I know. I also know that there are those of you who are balking at me right now saying ‘Nooooo! Its my lifestyle! Nothing will EVER make me put it second!’ I applaud your enthusiasm and determination, but I’d also like to be there when the cops show up and you explain your lifestyle to them when they come to investigate because little Bobby told his teacher all about how awesome his parents are and that Daddy beats mommy with belts and big sticks till she cries and she cant wear tank tops in public and that even mommy says ‘Yes, Sir!’ in his house! Yes its extreme. But if you never plan for the extremes you are gonna be slapped with the cold hard wet fish of reality someday. Things happen, financial stresses, infidelity, changes in preferences, illnesses, on & on ad infinitum. Almost every ‘hard core’ D/s couple I know has gone through periods of ‘equality’ due to outside factors. Sometimes the D/s finds its way back, sometimes it morphs, sometimes its gone for good. None of these are inherently good or bad. BDSM is, if nothing else, an exploration. And as any good explorer will tell you, its about the journey, not the destination.

I’m kinky, most of the people I interact with (coworkers, family, etc.. ) are not. What do I say when they ask how I have been what I’ve been up to?

With as little information as possible. Well, first decide how much you want them to know. If its not much, which is often the case, then give yourself permission to answer without really answering. You are under no obligation to give any more detail than you wish to give. I run into this alot with family:

So, what did you do this weekend?

Not much, went to a party.

You sure go to alot of parties (said with an accusatory tone and raised eyebrow)

Yup! I have tons of great friends and they like to celebrate alot! What did you do this weekend?

Thats another one, misdirection. Turn the conversation back to them as soon as you can. If nothing else in this world is true, this is: people LOVE to talk about themselves. Use it to your advantage.

Other good ones I have heard: meetups for internet groups (most of us do spend a fair amount of time online) , book clubs (most everyone I know has a favorite passage from some BDSM related book), theatre groups (wardrobe, roleplay.. what we do IS quite theatrical you gotta admit), and the best one yet: Groups for People with Special Needs!

So I went  out this weekend and while we were dancing  a man (not my owner) slapped my ass so hard the people around us heard it and gasped. Normally I would have kicked him in the knees or screamed and stepped on his instep but a month after giving in to be owned and liking the being smacked hard by my owner I reacted totally differently.  I panicked, I got upset and I ran out . Now i worry that I cant defend myself like I used to…. any advice?

Yeah, grow a pair. Sorry to be so bitchy and blunt but good grief. I’ll grant you once you delve into submission you find out alot of things about yourself you never knew were there. But you are still YOU. Why would you NOT protect yourself now where you would have a month ago? A dead submissive is no good to any Dominant. Now regardless of your ‘being owned’ status my view is, unless you consented to that interaction its wrong and you should take appropriate measures. But, if you are struggling with it in context with your being owned look at it this way if it helps: as ‘property of some sort or another’ your job first and foremost is to protect your owner’s goods: you. In other words, its your number one priority to keep yourself in the best shape for your Dom at all times.

Allowing someone else to touch you

A) is an insult to you and your Dominant

B) could lead to physical harm to you ergo damaging Master’s goods and

C) can leave you mentally rattled for at least some period of time so that your effectiveness as a submissive is lessened.

NONE of these is in any way benefiting you or your owner.If you need an SM context to give you the justification for standing up for yourself, there it is in black and white. But my friend, it is my earnest hope that you will do so simply because wrong is wrong no matter if kink is involved or not and you deserve to be treated as such.