x-posted
(disclaimer – i tend to use the terms Dom and sub in a Male Dom/female sub style simply because that is where most of my experience lies. This in no way negates other genders and other roles, this is simply the easiest way for me to communicate. Please change the pronouns around in your head as you read if that facilitates your ingestion of the material)
Today we explore begging in BDSM play. Now on the surface it seems not such a stretch to think of a sub who’s given over her power begging for her Dom to do even more debauched things to her in a scene many would see as already disgraceful . Its part and parcel, right? Like chocolate and peanut butter.. two great things that go great together?
Oh if only things were that simple!
For me, and myriad other subs I have talked to, begging is one of the hardest tasks we face. Yep, task. As in work, as in ‘a definite piece of work assigned to, falling to, or expected of a person; duty.’ Many, many tops just love to see us squirm by making us beg for what it is we want, and what they want to do to us already. And they love even more to order us to do it.
As for why that is, you’ll have to search out the writings of a Dominant. As a switchy type, I can see some allure in making a bottom beg, but not at the expense of knowing first hand the discomfort it can cause – but then I’ve just answered my own query there now haven’t i? I do that alot.
Back to begging. So what is it we are talking about exactly? oh, Dictionary.com, how I love thee:
- to ask for as a gift, as charity, or as a favor: to beg alms; to beg forgiveness
- to ask (someone) to give or do something; implore: He begged me for mercy. Sit down, I beg you.
- to take for granted without basis or justification: a statement that begs the very point we’re disputing.
- to fail or refuse to come to grips with; avoid; evade: a report that consistently begs the whole problem.
- to ask alms or charity; live by asking alms.
- to ask humbly or earnestly: begging for help; begging to differ
- (of a dog) to sit up, as trained, in a posture of entreaty
The bolded ones are the most applicable for our purposes here. Now add those definitions to having to request that you be able to do simple things like eat, speak, use the washroom .. or equally as embarrassing.. to be fucked or beaten and in explicit detail (those Tops do love a litany of dirty words and often will not consider the task complete until a certain vileness quota is reached) and you have an idea of what it is i am speaking.
Broken down like that it doesn’t seem all THAT big a deal, right? Well it is, or it can be. So what’s the big fuss all about? If you can knowingly consent to a D/s dynamic or a scene in which violence is a factor, why is this little bit of verbiage so hard?
Lots of people think its the humiliation factor. And that can be a part of it. Begging IS humiliating. To have the knowledge that ‘no, missy, in fact you are NOT in control of what does or does not happen to you and even worse you have to put yourself out there, made known your most naughty desires out loud and there is a very good chance they will not happen..and, you did this to yourself..’ is humbling to say the very least. But lots of us get off on the humilation. I know i do. So while having to say those words is incredibly shaming to me in a way, when i look back on scenes, the times I’ve had to do this are some of my favorite ones.
So that’s not really the problem, not for me anyway.. what is?
Well subspace plays a role. Lots of us get incredibly non verbal when we get floaty. I have a friend who uses hand signals or one word replies with her Dom because she totally loses the ability to verbally communicate. I get that way too. He’ll say ‘Tell me what you want, bitch..’ and my mind goes crazy with so many words and images that it puts Literotica to shame. I know EXACTLY what I’d like done, but damned if i can say it. The words just refuse to travel from brain to mouth. If they do, then brain just forgets to tell mouth muscles to move in such a way that speech is formed. I want to talk, i really do! I simply cant..
But thats only once I’m spacey. What about the other times? If I like the humilation and I’m not so far gone I can still talk, why cant I do it? Ahh, here’s the rub:
I get off on the power exchange. I like play and all, but that’s one reason I don’t seek out more play partners. I like the power dynamics to be deeply rooted, so that when you say the words and perform the deeds they have meaning attached to them. Casual play is fun and has its place (sometimes a girl just needs to get beat!), but for me to really feel it, there needs to be significance.
Example: ‘You’ve been a bad girl and need to be spanked, havent you?’
Casual play: Translation? ‘We are roleplaying so we can both get into a sexy headspace. It all ends when the scene does’
Play with a more committed Partner: Translation? ‘You didn’t do the dishes when you were told last Thursday and now i will make sure you never fuck that up again’
Both have their place, but the second has teeth. And I do love bite. There is significance, meaning, consequence. That’s what I love about D/s.
So, begging.. If I honestly love the D/s, and I’ve actively sought out a power dynamic and happily consented to a power exchange, why the issue with begging? Well, that consent is why.
I don’t ‘play’ at this with my Dom. I take it seriously. I actively said to him when i took his collar “i believe in you and your judgement. i want to rely on you to know what is best for me and i will follow what you say. if you say ‘do’, i do’; if you say ‘no’, i don’t argue”. I trust him to keep me both safe and enthralled in life and in play. And he does, and does it well. But then the bastard wants me to beg..
Well, here is my issue: If i have said to him ‘i put myself in your hands and will do what you want done’, i have no claim on what gets done. Its supposed to be HIS word is what goes, why am I being given a say? It just seems to me to turn everything on its head. Plus, begging implies a sense of whining. And I detest whining in anyone. Like REALLY loathe it. It seems to strike of :
‘i want this’
‘no’
‘but i really really want it!’
‘no and here is why’ excellent reason given
‘but i want it!!’ voice goes all shrill, feet get stamped, pouty lip comes out..
Fuck i HATE that shit. I dont tolerate it from my kids so to be made to do that just goes against everything in my being. Its rewarding bad behavior just for the sake of peace. So the bad behavior is whats topping here, and that never ends well.
But back to headspaces..
So, lets take a sex scenario. Things are all hot & bothered. Everyone is sweaty, in the zone so to speak, things are tingly and feeling good and you hear ‘tell me you want it…’ Well DUH! I wouldn’t be here all writhy and moaning if i didn’t want it! And i might add the REASON i am all writhing and moaning is because of what YOU are doing to me! Whatever it is you are doing is clearly working, why fix it if it aint broke!
But besides all that, the headspaces: we decided when we started this thing that you Top, me bottom. I am here to be used for your pleasure at your discretion. I’m to be an object, something you get to do horribly sinful things to to get off. If i beg and whine for what it is I want, all that just went out the window. If i whine and say what i want and then you do it, then that bad behavior is whats in charge here, not you.
All that sounds very logical huh? Ok, mia, you’ve laid that out very well and I see your point so that’s that.. right? Well, not so much. Why? Because he still wants begging and I still have problems with it. And I do at least TRY to be a good girl. So Dom wants begging.. suck it up girl, find a way to make it happen. Obviously a new perspective is needed. (yes I talk to myself alot, why do you ask?)
There is the ‘just do it’ approach. But for the reasons I outlined earlier isnt really effective. Sure you can just say the words, but its more than words they wanna hear, they wanna hear the desperation, the panic and the pleading. If you are just rehashing lines the same inflections wont be there. So that wont work.. damn
But what was that other thing I said up there? Oh yeah ” if you say ‘do’, i do’; if you say ‘no’, i don’t argue”. Well fuck. That’s the one isn’t it? Its what I said I wanted, and I do. Its what I said I don’t play at, so I shouldn’t. Its what I sought out, so I would be a fool to spit in its face as its not an easy thing to find.
So there we go then. That’s the headspace I have to get in, the one I love being in anyway. He orders, I do. That’s really all there is to say about it isn’t it? All these words and the explanation was right there the whole time. If it were a snake I’d have 48 puncture marks in my skin by now.
BDSM is truly unique in this way. Only thru making yourself speak horribly debauched words do you find new depths of self exploration . You have to wallow in the mud to get clean.
~mia
Kink In Motion
